Grasshopper New Media Presents...

We arrived at my brother’s house at midnight tonight, which in your time is actually last night. I often choose to drive in the wee hours if I’m solo parenting the kids for a trip. They fall asleep in the car and usually transfer pretty easily when we arrive at our destination, meaning there is one less night to struggle through the challenge of sleeping away from home (this is usually compounded by the fact that we are visiting cousins, which means excitement x 10= unbearably late bedtimes).

As I lay in bed typing this, my newly 4 year old Punk breathes rhythmically by my side. I dumped her in bed and went about the bathroom rituals of bedtime preparation with one ear tuned into her across the hall, prepared to jump in and squelch any potential fussiness which would disturb her brothers and cousins in the next room. As I finished up and crossed the hall she sat straight up in bad and desperately pleaded to “get it off the bed Mama!” Apparently, she felt or sensed a “spidery thing” near her.

Real or imagined it caused me a flash of angst. What am I passing to her? I often awaken, particularly in times of anxiety or stress deep in hallucination that there are a gazillion bugs and crawly things on the walls and furniture in my room. This is not a dream, but a vision, which in the past has scared the living daylights out of me. Now, I’ve grown so accustomed to the sightings that I feel only a flash of panic before settling into the peace that comes from knowing that it’s just another “vision,” for lack of another word.

Lucy knows not about these nighttime occurrences, yet her reaction causes me to wonder about what my children learn from my methods of coping with the challenges of of high concern, worry, and anxiety. I’m deep in one such period and while I try to maintain normalcy, I know that my lack of sleep and frequent preoccupation mean that I am less than who I want to be for them. And they know this.

I’ve been thinking about this challenge. About ways in which I can tackle challenges and painful times in such a way that I set an example of how to cope instead of examples of how not to cope. At the end of the day, what do I want my kids to learn?

In a conversation earlier tonight about priorities and mothering and surviving seemingly insurmountable challenges, someone said that when you decide to have children you sacrifice the right to put yourself first. The other side of the statement, someone else’s perspective, was that in order to survive said “seemingly insurmountable challenges” you have to decide what you want and how to get it.

My belief is that one can’t happen without the other. When faced with a challenge a parent must think about where they want to be on the other side of it. The question “where do you want to be” can only, in my opinion, be answered in relation to the driving relationships in your life. Your marriage. Your children. Your faith.

These might seem to me to be 2 different posts. But they aren’t, not really. Because as a parent, when you are faced with a challenge, the only thing to do is to ask what the right choice is for your family. And the size, the content, and the context of the challenge is only a side note.

Which doesn’t provide the answer, but it does help me to better frame up the question.

Thoughts?

P.S. Were you wondering how often I used some form of the word “challenge?” The answer is 9. Spectacular!