I ran with a pack of much older kids growing up. Our neighborhood gang ranged from 11 (me) to nearly 17, and as the youngest I tried hard to keep up.
One summer, my heart’s desire was to ride my bike to the local corner deli and buy a bubble burger.
Ah, the bubble burger! I still dream about it.
This confection consisted of hamburger-shaped bubble gum, complete with all the trimmings - bubble-gum green lettuce, a little bubble-gum tomato … you get the idea. This candy was particularly alluring because it was forbidden.
I had braces. A lot of braces.
Also, I was not allowed to ride my bike to the corner deli. It was about a third of a mile from my house, located in a somewhat seedier end of our neighborhood. I can still remember how it smelled, from the times my parents drove me there.
Pizza bagels, candy and cigarette smoke.
Nirvana.
I pestered my mother incessantly about this, wanting so badly to be one of the big kids. Finally, in exasperation, she lied to me.
“You’ll get kidnapped!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. She shook her head as she walked away.
What I did not know then, and what I know now, is that motherhood turns the most honest woman into a pathological liar.
Think about it. How many times have you lied to your toddler to prevent them from getting up to no good?
Just the other day, The Poo and I were in a certain clothing retail store and we passed a huge bubble-gum machine filled with bouncy balls. For a quarter, customers could watch the balls slide down a twisty channel and then take the ball home.
It was the sort of thing that strikes dread into the parent of a toddler. Because 30 minutes and 45 quarters later, you have to take 186 balls home.
And one always gets lost. Always.
“Mommy! Look! Balls!” The Poo was so excited she could only utter single words.
“Oh, honey,” I replied. “Those are just for decoration.”
A passing clerk nodded her approval. “Nice one!” she said, winking.
I often find myself telling The Poo something is dangerous or “not for Poos” when I don’t want her to get into something.
I know someday, when she grows up and has her very own blog, I will be subjected to her recitations of all the times I lied to her.
Baby girl, it was for a good cause - Mommy’s mental health.
So spill it … what lies do you tell?
[tags]kids, children, parents, relationships, honesty, truth, braces, gum, bubble burger, memories[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by joyrex, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
24 responses so far ↓
A. Tucker // Sep 4, 2007 at 6:23 am
“What I did not know then, and what I know now, is that motherhood turns the most honest woman into a pathological liar.”
Well, you hit the proverbial nail on the head there didn’t ya?
MeMo's Mama // Sep 4, 2007 at 7:35 am
LOVED this post! Thanks so much. The Meemers is not of an age that we have to “lie” but i know it’s coming and i can also recall many a lies told by my parents to me. Let’s start with santa, teh easter bunny, etc. it’s all in good fun though. i also have fond memories of the bubble burger!
A.L. Hatch // Sep 4, 2007 at 7:40 am
MeMo - You know the bubble burger? I’ve never met anyone else who knew what I was talking about! My husband thinks I’m nuts, because I still talk about it - you know, the desire never fulfilled and all that.
Slouching Mom // Sep 4, 2007 at 7:44 am
Yes, indeed. Only at a certain age they figure out that you’re lying (mine already have), and then you must give it up, sad to say.
Slouching Mom // Sep 4, 2007 at 7:44 am
PS I know the bubble burger too!
nan // Sep 4, 2007 at 9:39 am
I love it before they learn to read: Most kids have a great respect for the written word. One day we were walking through a lovely woods with my eldest while he jabbered incessantly and loudly. A sign appeared, and he said “what does that say?” His aunt replied “absolutely no talking beyond this point!” A wise woman. He was quiet for a whole minute! My youngest is now reading, and I miss that trick so much. I have used it a million times! “see that sign, honey? It says…”
Wacky Mommy // Sep 5, 2007 at 5:05 am
When we heard the music from the ice cream man down the street we told our daughter it meant, “Everybody, dance!”
Well, it worked for two years, anyway.
Hetha // Sep 5, 2007 at 7:37 am
I loved the bubble burger! Now they also have bubble tacos and hot dogs, have you seen them?
I’ve yet to break into lying mom form, but this post has me grinning ear to ear in anticipation!
Wendy // Sep 5, 2007 at 8:38 am
Talking too much will cause your lips to fall off rendering the victim without the ability to speak. It hasn’t work. I am still working on it.
Megin Hatch // Sep 5, 2007 at 9:28 am
I can’t take credit for my favorite- and it never worked for my kids but the ice cream truck is really the music truck
a whole lotta “only the people who work here can touch that”’s
McDonalds isn’t open until after noon.
Of course that isn’t a kiddie cone. It’s regular sized.
oh, there are plenty more
LawyerMama // Sep 5, 2007 at 9:34 am
I take the batteries out of annoying toys and then tell my son it’s broken.
Henny Penny // Sep 5, 2007 at 9:43 am
Today’s lies: “If you unstrap your car seat the police will take us to jail, and there’s no Calliou in jail.”
“They don’t have M&Ms at Meijer.”
Jennifer // Sep 5, 2007 at 11:12 am
First off, LOVED bubble burgers! Haven’t thought about those in years!
I fib (I prefer the term fib to lie as it seems less evil
) about a lot!
We’re all out of fruit snacks. The [insert noisy toy here] is broken. Daddy will be right back. …
A.L. Hatch // Sep 5, 2007 at 11:18 am
Henny - LOL! No Caillou in jail! Hhe heheheheheh!
Personally, I think watching Caillou is punishment enough for any offense, no matter how bad.
KarinGal // Sep 5, 2007 at 12:09 pm
I tell my little one that the toys/videos she’s interested in playing with/viewing WHEN I’M NOT are “sleeping now” and can’t be woken up. Amazingly, she buys this every time. Lowers her voice, even. Sweet innocence.
Your Sister // Sep 5, 2007 at 1:31 pm
You got the idea for “those are decorations” from me, thank you very much.
Major Bedhead // Sep 5, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Oh, the bubble burger! I remember those. They still make them.
I often tell my almost 3 year-old that we’re out of X, Y or Z that she’s asking for for about the 8 gazillionth time that day. And battery operated toys seem to break with alarming frequency at my house. Either that or they get lost.
Cari // Sep 5, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Bubble Burgers… Wow… Even I remember those!
You should buy you one now… and perhaps even mail one to your mom… hehe!
Heather // Sep 5, 2007 at 6:56 pm
All stores often close if I don’t feel like going to a store. It’s amazing the coordination. (”Just one store Mommy?”)
You can’t play at McDonald’s playland without socks. (Don’t ever tell them you can buy socks there!)
Daddy was just keeping Mommy warm?
Bananas // Sep 5, 2007 at 9:33 pm
so, so true. my favorite is to tell CJ, when he’s begging for a toy that I don’t want him to have, “it says on the box that this is for kids who are TEN.” And miraculously enough, he lays off. You can’t argue with what it says on the box, after all.
Lisa // Sep 6, 2007 at 5:13 am
“I don’t have any money.”
This, for a while, was my pathological response to any undesirable request; ice cream, toys, candy, donuts. It worked, until he figured out that most places take debit cards. Now, when I try to cry poor, he just tells me to “put it on that plastic thing.”
I’ve created a monster.
Jordan Sadler // Sep 6, 2007 at 7:25 pm
I totally remember the Bubble Burger. I had braces, too, of course.
I do the “I don’t have any money” and am always amazed they don’t call me on it 10 minutes later when I buy a cup of coffee!
I also told my 3-year old last week that the refried beans he was afraid to try was called “candy”. Yes, I did. And he ate it all up and loved it, and I gradually changed the name to “candy beans”!! Next time I’ll try to make it just “beans” but whatever.
A.L. Hatch // Sep 6, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Jordan, I read that post about the candy beans - hysterical! I once told my daughter that a peanut-butter sandwich was a cookie. She totally didn’t buy it.
Angi // Sep 7, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Because I can not think of my own at the moment, I’ll tell on two of my good friends
One tells her daughter there are sharks in the water when she wants her to stay back (to which my smart @$$ kids say…they are only in the ocean) Hehehehe!
And the other always tells her kids that McDonald’s is closed when she does not want to go there
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