You may have heard of the management strategy known as The Sandwich - tell them something they got right, tell ‘em what they did wrong, then finish by telling them another thing they got right.
Well, I’ve found that it works with the kids as well. If my kids mess up, I first tell them something that they’re doing well, or I tell them how much I appreciate their effort on the related issue. Then I point out the mess, and then I follow up with additional praise. I find that, just like adults, the kids seem to react well to it. They get it when I make the attempt to validate their efforts, and they seem to get positive energy from it. Certainly the mistake they made doesn’t get repeated (in most cases).
And to be more clear, I don’t use words like ‘wrong’ or ‘right,’ but phrases like ‘this worked for me’ or ‘this didn’t work for me.’ Framing it that way seems to take the sting out of the issue, which helps them not become defensive. And if I keep the whole thing wrapped in a framework of ‘team’ and ‘family,’ they seem to find it easier to make adjustments, even if they’re not easy adjustments.
Now this might no be everyone’s bag, and I get that. But if you have the patience and trust to give it a try, you might find your kids react positively to these strategies. If not, I’d love it if you’d tell me what happened - just add your comment to this essay. As I’ve said before, I’m no expert, just a parent who has found methods that work with my kids. And that’s my favorite part of GNMParents, that we share what works, so that others may benefit. Kinda like recipe swapping, without the calories.
by Stu Mark
Photo graciously provided by Sakurako Kitsa, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
1 response so far ↓
Angela Goff // May 26, 2008 at 11:19 am
I like, “This worked for me”, and I also like to ask them their opinion of the pros and cons of each choice. Sometimes we think a certain choice is wrong, when in fact, no matter how odd the idea, it might work for them. It’s good to help them hone in on their own decision making skills and attune to their inner source of intuition. So If I say, “That could have worked. Why do you think it didn’t?” instead of, “ That was a mistake“, They learn to examine the results for themselves, and become more competent in the near future when I am not there to help them decide.
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