I admit, in front of you all, that I am indeed competitive. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, maybe it’s because of my birth order, maybe it’s because I live in Los Angeles. I don’t know the why. But I do know that I am, indeed, competitive.
Now, I’m not competitive about the stuff I used to care about. I’m no longer competitive about my salary. I’m no longer competitive over my education. I’m no longer competitive over my politics.
However, I’m now competitive over my kids.
Allow me to create a tighter line of distinction: As I attempt to keep up with the Jones family, I focus on very specific items: I’m not competitive over my kids’ sports scores, I’m competitive over their test scores. I’m not competitive over their artistic skills, I’m competitive over their social skills. I don’t play “one-up” over my kids’ beauty, I play “one-up” over my kids’ compassion.
And let me be clear, this is just me. I’m not suggesting that I’m right, I’m just being honest about where my head is at. I don’t ever want to publically judge another’s parenting practices. But in an effort to eliminate any “holier-than-thou” vibe I might give off, I want to be up-front about what’s important to me, and, even more candidly, where my pride is centered.
So let me say it plainly: I’d put my kids up against your kids any day of the week and twice on Sunday. My kids are better than your kids. There, I said it.
Now, how many of you, right this moment, are thinking ill of me? How many of you are thinking to yourselves: “What a jerk!” And, conversely, how many of you are now nodding your heads, saying to yourselves, “Hey, when it comes to compassion and other basics of good citizenship, I’d happily have my kids compete with your kids.”
In my opinion, competitiveness is not entirely an inefficient mechanism, and that with the proper focus, competitiveness can be used to help build a better society, a better tomorrow.
And isn’t that the real reason we all became parents?
by Stu Mark
Photo graciously provided by Shenghung Lin, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
3 responses so far ↓
Deborah L. Blicher // May 19, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I find I feel competitive, and about the same issues you do. I didn’t feel this way when we first adopted: at the time, I was comparing my kids to other kids to get a sense of norms. Now I feel so proud of my kids that I find myself comparing them for other reasons. I am extremely careful about how I talk to them about it, though. For example, we have several friends whose children don’t know how to share. My kids, having been the two youngest in an orphanage with few toys, learned early about sharing. When they are indignant that another child won’t share, I try to help them understand that maybe he or she is still learning. “[Your friend] isn’t mean. [Your friend] just needs help sharing. How can you help?” If there’s no way, then I try to teach tolerance by redirecting my own kid rather than disciplining the non-sharer.
Stu Mark // May 19, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I think that is brilliant parenting - to differentiate between selfish (intentional) and needing help (unintentional).
I don’t *actually* say anything competitive about my kids, I just think them. However, I do talk to my kids about their special abilities - to let them know that just because some other kids aren’t quite in the same headspace as they are doesn’t make them lesser then, just different.
And, yeah, for the record, I think all kids are great, as they are all innocent and capable of virtue. And I take capabilities on faith, so I treat them as though their capabilities have already been realized.
AmyL // May 20, 2008 at 11:04 am
Yep, nodding my head and saying “Amen!” here.
I think that our kids know when we’re proud of them and that makes them work harder to measure up. As my father-in-law loves to say, my children don’t live up to my expectations of them. They live up to what they think my expectations are of them. When my pride in them shows, they stand a little taller and work a little harder.
That said, I do want them to knock people’s socks off academically when they’re older because of the homeschooling label they carry. A family in particular that we know is a bit disparaging, and I’m looking forward to the day when they finally realize that my boys know as much or more than their kids. I try to keep that little competitive streak strongly in check.
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