I was all set to write about how much better my middle child is doing in school so far this year, as far as bringing home the correct books and completing assignments without us being right on top of him.
Last year was very difficult as far as homework and studying for tests went, but, his grades were fine.
However, when I sat down to go over his homework with him this evening, I realized there has been more than one instance of him not doing his homework, or, bringing home the proper materials.
I also figured out that he had no idea he was supposed to be using each section of the required 5-subject spiral notebook for each different class. It’s just not that hard of a concept, and, to be honest, I really don’t understand what he doesn’t understand about it, and I get very frustrated. There’s plenty of people to ask what to do.
He didn’t do several listed homework assignments after school today, after he said he was finished. Seemed to have no idea it was a problem either. He said he “forgot” even though he was with a kid from his same class doing homework all afternoon, and, I know he looked in his assignment book to do some other things.
I have to confess, I can’t relate to his thought patterns and behavior here. I’m a girl, and I did my school work, probably almost to a fault. I would rather have died than forgotten my homework.
Yes, yes, I know one theory is that he should just be left alone to make his own mistakes, but, right now? I think nothing at all would get done if we had no part in his homework. I just don’t think that’s the right approach, but I sure don’t know what the right approach is.
I threatened his participation in football if he didn’t get it together, and know what work he has to do. But, truthfully, he doesn’t respond to consequences like that, he never has. He can see the seriousness of that, but he truly doesn’t connect his behavior to that outcome. It’s hard to explain, but he just isn’t motivated by traditional approaches like that.
I try to be positive, and motivate him that way, but there are times I resent feeling like I have to cheer him on for things he’s supposed to be doing anyway.
Some people say, “He’s a boy, it just takes longer,” but that frustrates me too. How old does a boy need to be before you can expect some academic responsibility from him? He’s not really happy with himself in this area either, yet, nothing seems to change.
He has no learning disabilities, or attention issues, or anything. He is very smart, and, luckily, makes good grades anyway. There’s plenty of help available, he just won’t ask when he doesn’t understand something. It’s not that the work is too easy for him either. This is just who he is sometimes.
We both need to improve in this area. He needs to tune in, and, I need to be more patient. Like I told him this evening, tomorrow is a new day.
It’s a new day for my attitude about it, too, and I plan to take advantage of it.
[tags]kids, children, parents, relationships, middle child, school, homework, teamwork, studying, tests, test taking[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by golly gee damn, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
8 responses so far ↓
Nan // Aug 29, 2007 at 2:37 pm
*sigh* let us know if you figure it out. One of my boys is like that, and I get so sick of the sound of my own voice that I am going to make a CD instead and play it in his headphones: “do it now. No, now. Don’t you have math? Maybe you should check, just to make sure. Oh, look at that! Math homework! You forgot the textbook? Call someone. That’s okay, the number is written down right there! Well call someone else. Oh, that number is right there too. Pencils? In front of your nose! Look, If you do it all before, um, MIDNIGHT, I will give you a PRIZE! It says here, “to number 20″. No that’s not a 2 it’s a 20. Fine. Don’t do the other 18. When your teacher calls, I will be in the shower, permanently!” I have another son who grabs his bag, spreads everything out on the kitchen table, and does it all in no time flat. Why are they so different?
Megin Hatch // Aug 30, 2007 at 5:45 am
It’ only day 3 for school here, but I hear you. A is in 2nd grade and we had our share of struggles with his summer homework.
My plan this year is to set up a homework station that has everything he needs, and then review his homework before it goes into his back pack. Right now I am trying to help him learn good habit so that we reduce future battles. I dunno how long this will last… and I know from my own past homework avoiding tendencies that he will find ways not to do it, but I’m hoping that won’t happen for years.
Keep us posted and share with us what’s working (or not) for you guys!
AmyL // Aug 31, 2007 at 8:09 pm
If it were me, I’d look for a way to throw the responsibility on the child as much as possible a la the Love and Logic approach. Right now, you’re describing situations where the adults are doing all the work.
You can spring sudden rewards “for boys who have done their homework”. Try to hit some times when he hasn’t done his work, and other times when he has. I would also try not to nag or oversee the homework, but rather let him make the choice to skip it and face some consequences at school on his own.
I know it’s hard to let them fail, but better to do so when they’re younger and the consequences are less severe. Even if it goes to the report card stage, a low mark in second grade or even middle school does not tend to affect one later in life. And if there are grade requirements for the football player, let him fail once and miss a game. It’s not easy to do, but it’ll be worth it when he realizes that it’s up to him to do the right thing. And he’ll be a better man someday for it.
Nan // Sep 1, 2007 at 3:58 am
You are right Amy, and that approach works wonders withmy other 2 boys! But my eldest doesn’t MIND getting low grades, etc. He wants to be in the bush or on the sea, and many of his heroes have no proper “education” at all, but still make money, and are even hired by university types to guide and inform them. He just spent a week in the rainforest with such a group, along with a similar boy who is 14, and the only thing I can think of now is “you can go back, (around October) if you are a good boy and do what you have to in school. Because I did it, and dad did it so you can do it. ” It’s not terribly logical, but it has worked in the past. I need a way to help him understand that it does matter that you get good grades and do your work, because the system is very competitive around here. How?
Wacky Mommy // Sep 1, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Yeah, I can understand both points of view, but with my ex’s kid (stepson) we tried the hovering, and we tried the Love ‘n’ Logic and the result was he very nearly flunked out of middle school. (Didn’t seem to really care.) Then did flunk out of high school by sophomore year. Now, age 21, he refuses to get a job and couch surfs with friends. (Not with us.)
In his case, it was severe depression that started around age 12, so I advise everyone to keep an eye on any possible medical stuff, depression, thyroid problems, low blood sugar.
Um. Maybe try flash cards, like our babysitter made for our daughter in preschool? Breakfast! Clothes on! Socks and shoes! Ha ha just kidding. Good luck though, I’m next in line… 3rd grade and we’re already battling over chores and homework.
AmyL // Sep 1, 2007 at 8:53 pm
Ahhhh. Well then I’m right there with you, Nan. My older boys (age 9) have never seen the point of school. When they were 4, they literally cried and threw themselves on the floor because they thought it was too hard to learn their letters. I have been schooling at home, and I don’t know if peer pressure would have motivated them more, or if I’d be sitting in a lot of special education meetings had I sent them.
We are starting lessons up again in 3 days, and I’ve already informed them that if I catch them even beginning to affect the little boys (age 4, starting kindergarten) in a negative way that I will cause pain in their lives. “Pleasant, positive, and do your best!” are the marching orders. You’re right, it’s going to take all of us to get through this. On a totally different note, have you considered that he’s gifted? My brother dropped out of school and was just awful. When my folks had him tested the psychologist called him “Severely Gifted”. He didn’t bother to do anything in school because he saw it as such a waste of time. He dropped out, moved to FL and starved for a while before he came home and went to school. He now has a double master’s degree and works for a big hedge fund. There is hope, ladies!
Nan // Sep 1, 2007 at 9:24 pm
Yes, he is extremely bright, he is 9. He goes to a private school, and they are pretty good about giving him interesting stuff to do, but he still needs to do the WORK. Alas. Every year I get a call from a new teacher saying. “this child is brilliant. How can we make him work?” my middle boy is fine. They skipped him a year, he comes first in class and he likes school, and gets through his work very quickly so that he can run around and fix the computer in the next-door classroom or whatever. He teaches the other kids, and his teachers adore him. But my eldest? Once climbed a tree and swore he was staying up there till we agreed to let him drop out. He only came down when my husband got a saw. And that was over homework. I feel for him, truly, but surely its not that bad? He has friends, and his teachers like him. They have a great science lab. Feel like I am taking over here, sorry, but I KNOW someone out there has the answer. We have no gifted program here.
AmyL // Sep 2, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Okay, lol. That. Was hilarious! Oh, I’m sorry to laugh, but wow. Didn’t see the tree thing coming at all. Major kudos to you and your husband for getting him down. One thing that worked at least temporarily with my brother was to allow him to finish his work early and be done with school for the year. Granted, he was in a mastery learning program, so all the units were already laid out for him. This was in middle school, btw. He finished his work in April and then was allowed to go to the local junior college and take classes. That particular strategy won’t do anything to improve your son’s outlook or grasp of the big picture on grades, competition though. Sounds like what you said about allowing him to go back to the nature thing if he works hard is doable.
My boys are in a slightly different situation. At least part of their hatred of learning has to do with their belief that they can’t learn. I have long thought that they have a language delay of some kind. It’s amazing what vocabulary they don’t have to this day. I have to be careful when I’m speaking to remember to ask if they understand major concepts that I’m trying to get across. When they were little they rarely learned anyone’s name. I was shocked when the younger boys were 2 and could name friends from church. I do believe it’s something they will either outgrow or overcome. We just need to keep slogging away at it.
What Busy Mom said in the first place still holds true. It’s going to take both the parents and the child to finish this journey. I think for a long time yet it’s going to get accomplished through sheer force of will (on the parents’ part). That would be us: dragging them through brick walls underwater. This is honestly the first time I’ve heard from any other parents that have boys who have awful school attitudes, and it’s a major reason why I started blogging in the first place. I take great comfort in knowing I’m not the only one.
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