A typical day with Max now includes a minimum of 30 tantrums, staunch refusals to use the potty, and so much whining I want to stab my eardrums out.
At almost-three, this child of mine is asserting himself in all that he does. He is fiercely independent, maddeningly stubborn - an amplified version of all he has been since he was an infant. I love this about him - his spiritedness, his strong will, his absolute certainty of who he is and what he wants.
The downside of these marvelous traits, though, is that he is stubborn to the point of physically endangering himself when he is attempting some new feat; this stubbornness is also problematic when it’s really not in his best interest (either because it really isn’t or because I just say so) to cling so tightly to his position.
The thing is, I am now mothering this child alone. Well, not really. His father is a good father, and we are working very hard to parent him together and keep things civil, mature and efficient. But at home, I am alone, dealing with this creature that honestly drives me crazy when we spend three or more days straight together. I can’t begin to express how disappointed I am in myself, watching as I deteriorate in the wake of my son’s non-stop, well, everything: whining, disobedience, jumping on furniture, climbing on furniture, throwing things, etc. All of it - whatever he does, he does it full-force and doesn’t know when to stop.
And so considering all the changes we’re going through, I wonder how much of all this is typical of a soon-to-be three-year-old, and how much of it is a reaction to the fact that mom and dad no longer together. And if it’s the latter, what on earth can I do about that? As it is, Max’s dad and I are doing all we can to communicate and keep similar routines. Every night, we each make sure Max speaks to whichever parent he’s not with; we make sure that in his presence, there is no tension.
What more can I/we do? Or is this more about where he is developmentally and I need to ride it out? Either way, I can see that the underlying issue is control, and even with that, I’m not sure how best to handle it.
Sigh. Looks like it’s time to pull all the books out again and hammer this out.
by Tere
7 responses so far ↓
STL Mom // Aug 19, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Sounds like both my kids at that age! Some kids just are more willful and stubborn than others, and have to learn everything the hard way.
It’s possible that the stress in your life is affecting your child’s behavior, but it’s also likely that your stress makes it harder for you to deal with your child’s bad behavior. With a two-year-old wrecking your home and a separation from his father, you’re probably more traumatized than your kid is.
Is he in preschool or daycare? Sometimes it’s good to get the opinion of someone who has seen lots of young children go through this stage.
Tere // Aug 19, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Good question! His caretakers say he’s wonderful; active, plays well with his friends, behaves, follows instructions. They love how affectionate and well-mannered he is. I regularly ask after him and his behavior, and there are never any concerns on their end. If he bit or hit a child, they will tell me and explain the incident, and there’s never been a time where they’ve told me he just went and hit a kid or anything.
And yes, I suspect I am more traumatized than he is, because he is not (yet) cursed with an over-analytical brain!
slouching mom // Aug 19, 2008 at 5:07 pm
i’d say it’s more his age than your separation. try to give him alternatives whenever possible. if he has to eat veggies at a meal, that’s nonnegotiable. but he could chose which of two possibilities… ditto for many other situations in his life.
InTheFastLane // Aug 19, 2008 at 6:17 pm
This sounds very much like my, just turned three year old. I don’t think I remembered three being so hard. Maybe i blocked out this phase from my older two. But, it has been hard. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make the separation OK for him.
AmyL // Aug 19, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Kids at this age want very much to try out all their new skills and independence they’ve been developing for the past couple of years. The choices thing is a big key, like Slouching Mom said. So much of his life is non-negotiable, but you can still find creative ways to let him have that control he desperately wants. The Love and Logic for Early Childhood book has tons of examples, even down to asking him things like “Do you want a hug or no hug?” at bedtime. If he says no, be cheerful and walk away. Most likely he’ll want that hug after he tests you to see if you’ll honor his choice. Getting dressed is a must, but he can easily choose whether he’ll wear his blue shirt or his red one today. Wearing socks: another must. But he can decide whether to put his socks on first or his pants.
When my little guys were 3 I read the book and started asking them what they wanted, and it wasn’t long before I learned how to question my way right out of a tantrum. It took effort, but when the smile started playing at the corners of the mouth, I knew he was mine.
Good luck and hang in there!
The Mrs. // Aug 20, 2008 at 7:53 am
My son just turned 3. He also has many days that wear me out due to not listening, climbing, throwing things, etc. My husband and I just had another baby right before his 3rd birthday so we believe alot of this may be jealousy and change in routine as well as normal 3 year old independence.
Nan // Aug 23, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Tere, you remind me of me when Chas was 3! Some kids are just so intense, and exhausting, doing everything to the fullest and getting into all of the trouble. My advice? Do a first-aid course. It sounds like you’ll need it. Also, don’t be afraid to set stern limits. He will fight you at first, but I found that my little maniac was calmer, and still is, when he knew where the line was drawn. I drew those lines for my own sanity: An early bedtime, no junk food in the house, whatever will keep him, and you, rested and healthy. Chas is now 10, and I still say to him “Dude, it’s bedtime. I am tired.” He laughs at me, “YOU’RE tired, so I have to go to bed?” “Absolutely, my darling son!”
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