I work for the Fort Wayne Children’s Choir. Children are accepted by audition and parents pay tuition for them to participate in our choirs. My job is coordinator of volunteers, bookkeeper, and choir cook. I get to spend a lot of time in rehearsals and at performances and baking cookies and cupcakes.
I like the kids. I like their parents. We are proud, not only of the music education we provide, but also of the opportunities for our singers to make new friends and grow to be leaders in our choirs and in their schools.
We like to travel with our kids, giving them the experience of singing in other cities, states, and countries. This summer we have a group of 60 teens going to St. John’s, Newfoundland to participate in a children’s choir festival.
When we travel, there is always a group of parents and staff who provide supervision and security for our singers. It is our policy to hand-pick the chaperones, and each one goes through an official background check.
Next month we are taking a group of 35 pre-teens on a two-day trip. There will be six parents and staff members traveling with them. We will visit a children’s museum, shop at a mall, sing at the mall, attend a college student’s voice recital, have some pool time at our hotel, and give a concert at a church. During all of these activities, the six chaperones will be close by to provide security and safety to the children.
Our unwritten policy has been to not invite parents, other than the chaperones, to travel with us on these tours. Additional parents tend to be a distraction for our singers, especially when they begin to infringe on the instructions and guidelines we have set out for the children.
Until recently, parents have honored the policy. This time, however, parents are asking to go along. They want to stay in our hotel. They want to be part of the activities. They want to protect their children.
As I interact with young (anyone under 40) parents these days, I’m discovering a trend. Parents want to be involved with their kids. They want to experience everything that their children are experiencing. They want to know all of the details of what their child is doing. They include their children in all of their own activities. And, it seems, to some of us in positions of leadership, that they don’t trust us to take proper care of their children.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for parents making time for their children’s activities. Jon and I have always made ourselves available for soccer games and concerts and recitals and science fairs.
But, can a parent’s participation become too protective? When does the insistence on “being in the room” interfere with the educational process? At what age should a child be allowed to travel without his parent? How much information do you need in order to trust the teacher/chaperone/scout leader/band director/camp counselor?
by Nancy Swanson
Photo graciously provided by jon.swanson, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
6 responses so far ↓
Kimberly // Mar 11, 2009 at 3:54 am
I hope you all stay firm. In my experience the parents that do this will break all the rules and try to make this a family vacation at your expense.
Last spring we were awarded a grant and took a group of 4th and 5th graders to Natural Bridge Caverns. When we arrived, we found the we had been trailed by 5 – 6 families. They expected us to pay their admission. We didn’t they were very put out but paid their own way.
They were allowed to join our tour and pretty much RUINED it for all the kids.
1. They had children to young for the tour that whined and had to be carried. One of them expected me to carry one of the kids up a slippery path – and i was carrying all the photographic gear for the trip.
2. They had adults that were physically unfit and dragged the whole hike.
3. One family interrupted the guide every few words to loudly translate the information to Spanish (the BIL teacher had her kids around her and softly was translating without interrupting the guide. )
4. When every other child had to wait their turn to go to the gift shop – these parents jumped the line and walked in with all their kids.
Both as a teacher and as a museum employee I’ve seen this behavior EVERY time there were tag a long parent. At the museum it would be the tag a long parents that went into the cupboards to get out different activities than those planned. I find chaperones are more even handed. I think it is because they have a set of expectations and kids they are responsible for.
As for age. I was 4th or 5th grade when my mom stopped being a chaperone every single time. I have a life threatening food allergy and by that age she knew I could handle adults not listening and trying to force me to eat something I shouldn’t. That was her standard.
Rocket Science Mom // Mar 11, 2009 at 9:26 am
Ok, I sit on both sides of this fence. I am on the board of trustees at my children’s daycare and as such help to keep the school financially solvent and take care of parent/school issues. I have seen what “involved” parents can do.
I am also a parent who wants to be an active part of her kids lives. I volunteer for just about everything and am a constant presence. My son also has food allergies, so on field trips, I chaperone so that there’s no worries.
As for trust, I do admit that this world scares me sometimes, and if my kids were traveling somewhere overnight, I’d be darned sure to be there to make sure nothing bad happened. It’s not about trusting the teachers, it’s about not trusting society.
The teachers I talk with would love to encourage more parents to be involved.
So, while you both see the extra-involved parents as a nuisance, I see that there needs to be some middle ground.
Life is moving too fast. Kids grow up and out and you miss it (especially if you work full time, like I do). So, I’d encourage parents to be a part of their children’s lives. However, just like the kids have to follow rules, the parents should also have to follow them whether or not they are there as an “official” chaperone.
I hear what you’re saying from the coordinator point of view, but if I want to spend time with my kids, I can be courteous and follow rules. The parents you mention above, and in the comments exhibiting rude behavior aren’t everyone. There are rude people in life.
I just hope that a few bad apples don’t spoil the whole bunch and ruin it for the rest of us parents who want to tag along.
Kelly Damron // Mar 11, 2009 at 10:42 am
As an under 40 mom, I see myself being much more involved than my parents were. I don’t think it is about trusting you or not trusting you to care for my child. But rather a true desire to be a part of their life, a part of their activities. I’m wondering if a lot of moms my age had parents there were not involved and they want to do the opposite. This is truly the case for me.
My parents didn’t attend my sporting events, didn’t acknowledge my good grades, didn’t take my horse back riding or other “family” type activities. So, maybe the parents like us are compensating for what we perceive as lack of involvement by our parents.
I agree with Rocket Science Mom – maybe there is a middle ground somewhere. Rules can be established at the onset and anyone who doesn’t follow the rules isn’t able to participate in future events.
nancy // Mar 11, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Kimberly, RSM, and Kelly: Thank you for your varying points of view. I’ll share your comments with my co-workers. We are sending a letter to the parents of this particular group of singers, tactfully explaining our policy. We have been taking trips for almost 12 years and have never had a security issue, and we pray that we never will. We don’t travel overnight with children under the age of 10, and only singers over the age of 12 go on longer trips. We have chosen to hand-pick our parent helpers, because we know the ones who are the best–as well as those who will disregard our instructions. I think any one of you would make a great chaperone.
Joyce // Mar 13, 2009 at 5:12 am
I think there is alot that goes into this protectiveness, but for thought…
I am 35. When I was 8, Adam Walsh disappeared. My “freedom” as a child changed drastically.
I was no longer allowed to ride my bike to the park without an adult. If I was playing on the street and went into someone’s house without telling my parents, it could start a neighborhood wide alarm.
Parents that are 5 yeare older had a different childhood reality.
nancy // Mar 13, 2009 at 5:36 am
Joyce-
That is the very reason we have established stricter policies regarding the safety of our singers. Every choir parent goes through a background check. To the best of our ability, children are never left unattended by an adult. Our offices and rehearsals are on a university campus where people come and go freely, so we attempt to be aware of their interactions with the singers.
Your comments are a reminder that there is more that we can do, giving assurance to our parents and without making the children fearful. Also, we hope that parents are teaching their children about being safe when they can’t be with them.
It’s the world that we live in, and we do not want to have our heads in the sand. Our hope is, as a choir staff, that parents will trust us to provide for the safety and security of their children when they are with us.
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