Today we replenished our dwindling stock of rubber balls and as I always do, I inscribed each one using a permanent marker with the name of our 2 1/2-year old daughter, Fern. As I carefully printed block letters on a miniature football, it struck me that I was being completely unfair to Fern’s sister to be, expected in November and known for now by the nom de foetus “Blueberry.”
After all, soon our younger daughter will play with every one of these toys that I’ve labeled only with our first born’s name. I could revert to using our last name, I suppose, but that still means that at no time will Blueberry have had her name written alone on a basketball. Perhaps more importantly, ol’ Blue will only rarely have a day alone with her parents, she’ll be eternally in hand-me-down clothes and probably never get a treat that’s not also offered to Fern. She’ll never even be allowed to crawl without a massive 3-year old trying to pick her up.
I’m surprised that such petty disparities bother me. When I was teaching, I immunized myself to cries of “unfair” by asserting to my classes ahead of time that yes, I was completely unfair. That there were times that hard work would go unrewarded and misdeeds unpunished — that’s just the way life is.
I used to take care of three girls with an age span of about six years. I might send the 15-year old off at the mall with twenty dollars to spend on her own while her 9-year old sister and I would shop — together — for something smaller. I suppose that was unfair, but at the same time, the 9-year old got her turn coining me into cash and adventures years later.
The fairness urge can verge on pathological. My grandparents were very generous with my brother and cousins and me, but when they gave large gifts they would prorate them by how old we were, down to the day. I’m sure if I’d been paying closer attention I would have found this fairness itself to be unfair.
So my inclination is to ignore all the normal rules of fairness: the girls are different, after all, and will be brought up differently, whether I strive for equanimity or not. I will love them both and be done with it.
Still, I’ve heard stories of siblings who believe that one or the other of them was treated better by their parents, who were probably well-intentioned just like me. The prospect of really messing up their sisterhood-to-be is, I’ll admit, more than a little frightening.
Therefore — what? I have no conclusions, except my old parenting standby: I’ll continue to do what seems right at the time and constantly monitor how the girls are reacting. If need be, all my fine words about never falling for the “that’s so unfair” game — well, they’re just words and can be discarded at will. I can always go get another set of soccer balls and write “Blueberry” all over them.
by Doodaddy
Photo graciously provided by mag3737, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
9 responses so far ↓
Carl // Oct 3, 2008 at 7:17 am
I’m certainly not immune, and I often wonder where does this fascination with fairness come from? Why do we compare and contrast our lot with the lots of those around us? Do we teach our children the vices of envy, jealousy, and coveting?
Life’s not fair, equal, or just. Life is imbalanced, complicated, and filled with opportunity.
Let’s teach our children to cope with, and learn to love, the life they have. And, of course, seize the opportunities that are presented to them.
STL Mom // Oct 3, 2008 at 7:22 am
I’ve told my kids that they are not allowed to use the four-letter word that starts with F: fair. This is an issue with all siblings, and it always will be. I think as parents we just have to accept that our kids will never think things are fair. On the other hand, I try to give each of my kids what he or she needs, whether or not it is the same as what the other one needs.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the younger one being the one who gets the short end of the stick. Yes, she’ll get hand-me-downs, but she’ll also get parent time while Fern is at school or at lessons, and I’m sure Fern will point out how unfair that is!
Carl // Oct 3, 2008 at 7:24 am
STL Mom, I totally agree.
I was (and am) worried about my youngest getting the short end by being left out of stuff, hand-me-downs, etc.
In reality, my oldest is the one that’s more jealous…
Stu Mark // Oct 3, 2008 at 8:08 am
We do something different in our house - thought I’d comment about it here, with all due respect.
We try to work within the framework of the kids’ vocabulary. So if they talk about fair, we work with that. We don’t let them get there way by using it, but we validate their feelings about it. To them, it seems unfair. So we talk to them about it, and we provide examples to show that in fact, the situation is fair - it’s just that they’re not remembering certain things. And, for the record, sometimes they’re right. Sometimes they call a foul and when we examine the situation, we discover that it is indeed not fair. It doesn’t happen that often, but when it does, we recognize it and acknowledge our mistake. The kids seem to respect us for it.
Again, this is just how we do things. I’m not saying we’re right.
Kelly Damron // Oct 3, 2008 at 10:41 am
Fair is a challenge for all parents, there is no doubt about it. I have twins and everything we do is about equality and fairness. I acknowledge that all is not fair and equal, but similar to what Stu Mark stated, my girls will call me out if something hasn’t been fair and I’ll remedy it. It’s one of the more challenging aspects of parenting.
Nan // Oct 4, 2008 at 7:18 am
*sigh* I am not fair. I think that trying to give my three very different boys exactly the same things and opportunities would make me tear my hair out. Fortunately, they seem to demand what they need and I tell them separately and often how much I adore them. It seems to keep everyone reasonably happy. I have noticed though, and not only in my own family, that the middle child often needs more than the others in order to feel as loved. He tends to keep tabs, which the other kids do not.
Kimberly // Oct 4, 2008 at 8:40 am
I’m so glad my parents weren’t “fair” with Sis and I. Instead of trying to make everything equal, they listened to us about the things we wanted.
We are two very different personalities. What was right for Sis, was soooo wrong for me. The opposite was also true.
Sis played soccer. I got to buy bags of books from the school book club.
Sis had huge parties with tons of friends she loved. I go to do something with my two best friends, and not have to put up with classmates I despised.
I went to the private university I wanted. Sis went to the public university she wanted.
The same thing is happening with Sis’s kids.
For example I’m buying Younger Niece (3yo) a Running club T-shirt from my school. Her 15 yo sister doesn’t want a lime green shirt from an elementary school. Her 9 month old brother can’t wear one. The 3 yo having a big kid shirt from Aunt Kimbee’s school is a huge thing.
I’m a teacher so I have similar holidays as older niece. She knows she can call and bum a ride anytime. I got a new laptop and had my old one refurbished for her.
I think kids thrive when we treat them as individuals.
mom, again // Oct 4, 2008 at 1:40 pm
We assure ourselves that we treated each daughter according to her needs. They each accuse us of favoring the other. The older one (23) is begining to ‘get it’. The younger (21) is not there yet, and given her overall personality, she may always feel shortchanged. At this point in my life, how they feel about it is their own problem, and I’ve told them so.
When I was growing up, the 4 of us didn’t keep tabs. Somewhere along the way, my parents had gotten the message across that you win some you lose some. Being older or younger or a boy or a girl might be a positive or negative thing in any situation, and it all will work out about even in the end. At any rate, the mathematics of actually figuring fairness wasn’t worth the effort. I figured my two kept tabs because it was possible compared to a larger family like I grew up in!
As for Blueberry never having her very own first name on a toy: She will indeed own some toys from brand new which you can put her name on. There will be a lot of hand me downs, but not literally everything! As she grows and develops her own interests especially, she’ll want/need things that Fern has no interest in.
For clothes: Make a point of certain clothing items being new. Always a new item for her birthday, or the first day of school. Besides, if her and Fern are born at different times of year, or have different physical builds, the hand me down clothing may not even happen. We had both problems, and soon enough, style preference issues came up as well.
Talking In My Children’s Tongue | GNMParents // Oct 6, 2008 at 3:58 am
[…] of the parents who writes for GNMP posted a a thought-provoking essay on fairness and how his efforts will effect his children on the long-term. I urge you to read it if you […]
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