I am a stepfather. When I married my wife, she had two children from a previous marriage. As I love my wife, I love my children, regardless of their biological origins. And not just because part of them comes from my beloved. I love them for who they are. However, there are times when being the stepdad has a cost. For me, from my perspective, the cost is a barrier, especially with my youngest.
As the primary caregiver, it’s my job to raise them. And, as you are well aware, raising kids sometimes requires asking them to do things that they simply do not want to do. I’m ok with that. I’m ok with the slight unpleasantness that issues from their bodies when faced with an unattractive task. I’m ok with the fact that it’s not easy for them to walk the good path. I’m ok with their resistance. But my oldest looks at me with love. He has a fine, close relationship with his father and with his mother. But he also has opened his heart to me, he’s let me in, inside his very soul.
My daughter has not.
It’s not that we don’t get along. There are many times when we have long conversations, many times when we share a hearty laugh, many times when we are the ones who get the joke that fails to blossom in my wife’s mind. But when I need to provide instruction or guidance or leadership, she rejects me in the most strongest of terms. And yes, I get it, she’s a 12 year-old girl, this is normal.
My issue is not with the difficulty of dealing with a stubborn child, my difficulty is that she doesn’t balance the stubborness or the rudeness or the selfishness with anything that I can perceive as love. I see how she loves her mother and her father. I see how she runs to the door when my wife comes home from work, shouting “Mommy!” at full volume. I see how she does the same when her father comes to pick her up. But it doesn’t happen to me, nor has it ever. It’s as though she sees me as a friend, as an equal, so that when I have to be a parent and say “Please wash the dishes” or “Please don’t shriek at your brother” or “Please consider giving of yourself so that others in the house may benefit,” she seems to react the way she would if one of her same-age friends would say such a thing. I see that she treats her mother and father similarly, as did my son.
But my son has also voluntarily hugged me and voluntarily said “I love you.” I see how he reacts when i ask him nicely to help, how he seems eager to help me, almost as if he understands the debt he owes me (just as I owe him a debt for all the joy and love and teamwork that he initiates). My daughter seems immune to this feeling of debt, this sense of obligation.
And for me, the pain is not eased by the thought that every other parent has similar experiences. For me, the hardest part is that I don’t get the love. And that’s all I really want. But I understand that love is earned, and I’ve read enough books on the step-parent/step-child relationship to see that it might never happen, that my daughter might resent my very existence, as though I were responsible for her mother and father’s divorce.
Certainly things may change. And I have love in my heart, and will always do my best to turn the other cheek. But I also admit that I pray at night for my daughter’s heart to open to my love.
by Stu Mark
14 responses so far ↓
Jon Swanson // Apr 28, 2008 at 5:00 am
Stu-
I will join you in the prayer.
Jon
Slouching Mom // Apr 28, 2008 at 6:57 am
Oh, Stu. I’m really sorry. And, though this may not be what you want to hear, I never did open my heart to my stepmother. Is it something about girls? Dunno. You sound like such a fabulous parent that I’d expect, with time, things will change. More time than you want, I know.
I do think it’s wonderful, really wonderful, that your son has given you his love. I don’t think my brother ever did the same with our stepmother.
Stu Mark // Apr 28, 2008 at 7:26 am
Jon, thanks most sincerely.
Stu Mark // Apr 28, 2008 at 7:28 am
Slouch,
Yeah, I hear you. And I deeply appreciate your candor. I’m gonna do my best to keep my mind open and hope, and pray, that she’ll open up to me. And while I don’t actually *know* if I’m a fabulous parent, that is certainly my prime directive - to give my kids the best childhood possible. We’ll see what they say when they become adults.
Debbie // Apr 28, 2008 at 8:30 am
I’m so sorry you’re not getting what you need from this relationship!
When we first adopted K and M, K (age 3y 9mo) caught on right away that I was Mama. M (2y 9mo) wouldn’t even speak to me for two weeks. Those were a hard two weeks. However, now, 16 months later, M is the more happily attached of the two: K grieves a lot for the loss of her beloved orphanage caregiver. It is as if K knew she was supposed to accept me as Mama, so she did, even though her heart wasn’t entirely ready; whereas M waited until he was wholly ready.
The point: I think different kids have different ways and reasons for attaching to adults, and it’s our job to wait them out.
InTheFastLane // Apr 28, 2008 at 8:33 am
My husband adopted my daughter when she was 4. She is now 13. She never really knew her biological father. And yet, my husband tells me that he feels a distance with her that he doesn’t with the boys. They have a good relationship, but there is a difference. I don’t know, as you said if it has to do with her gender and her age? Or it is just their personalities? Is it something that might come with time and maturity? I know I am much closer to my dad, now as an adult that I was as a kid. I don’t have any answers, just empathy and a common prayer.
Jill in Atlanta // Apr 28, 2008 at 8:34 am
It all looks different when we look back at our own childhoods. I know it will be a long slog to get there, but when she’s a mother some day I suspect she will find that (if she is the primary caretaker) she models herself after you and gains a new appreciation - and love - for what you did all those difficult years. If you’re lucky, she’ll tell you so.
Megin Hatch // Apr 28, 2008 at 11:50 am
Stu-
I feel for you. I do.
My middle kid became allergic to hugs and kisses not too long ago and it ’bout broke me. He’s not as bad as he once was, but he would rather lick an alligator than hug or kiss anyone aside from his dad and I. Even us, it’s often an acquiescence. The times when he does initiate a snuggle I always check his temp.
I know it’s not the same, and I don’t mean to imply that it is. Just- some kids are sometimes funny about expressing affection to all BUT their bio. parents Some kids are even weird about that.
Does she express love to her brother?
I suspect no, as she’s 12, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel it.
Stu Mark // Apr 28, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Debbie, I hear you on the waiting, and that is my intent. However, I’m the youngest of my sibs, and if you buy into Birth Order Psychology, I’m a baby and I want it now! So my patience is something that is constantly under maintenance. Thanks for making the point, it really helps me focus on my patience.
Stu Mark // Apr 28, 2008 at 2:27 pm
InTheFastLane,
Good point about gender and relationships. This all could be a girl thing, though I also see she’s tight with her emotional purse-strings around her parents, so I suspect it is her specifically. So it might come with maturity and it might come with her first sense of romantic love. I wait, and I so appreciate your empathy.
Stu Mark // Apr 28, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Jill in Atlanta,
From your mouth to G-d’s ear!!
Yeah, I hear you, I do. And certainly my own childhood plays a role in all of this. Good tip, something for me to investigate further.
Stu Mark // Apr 28, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Megin, I hear you about your middle one. It’s absolutely a reasonable comparison - your kid is your kid, no matter the biology. For me, the biology is just part of how I view this particular stepping stone in my relationship with my daughter. With your middle one, you had your own set of circumstances with which to view your struggle with the snuggles. And I feel for you on that tip, I miss the actual hug part, the affection. Now, with me, I never really got it from her, and so I have less to miss - you actually got some from your middle one. The withdrawal must have been so very painful.
As for expressing emotions, she has plenty of girlfriends who she hugs and expresses affection for, so I see that she is capable. She may just be a typical Valley Girl / Los Angeles teenage girl who thinks that she’s above the adults. Certainly there is that aspect - she treats her parents and I as though we are all equally stupid. I know it’s weird, but I thank G-d for that, because it keeps me closer to her, knowing that she doesn’t think I’m *stupider* than her parents.
And as for her brother - no, no affection. She begrudges him almost everything. And he tutors her in math! I observe some of the tutoring sessions and even then she occasionally disses him. So it may just be her. What I can’t comprehend is, where does it come from? How am I contributing to her behavioral development such that this is appearing? I keep thinking that if I figure out the key, I can alter my behavior accordingly, willingly, gladly.
Thanks for the comment and for caring. I sincerely appreciate it.
Cheryl in Sacramento // Apr 28, 2008 at 3:14 pm
The father daughter relationship has been a puzzle to me from about ten years old on. I remember being close to my father at an early age but at some point my father was absent off and on for months and from then on I refused to hug or snuggle. Now that I’m an adult there is still that distance that I can’t seem to cross. If my father had stepped in with affection I’d imagine my attention starved self would have accepted more but he didn’t and I didn’t. I hope you continue to try even if she doesn’t return affection readily. It could be a stage that she will out grow or she may be feeling a lacking that you might be able to fill. Be there but don’t push.
thimbelle // Apr 29, 2008 at 1:17 am
It seems almost as though Nicole is holding her affection very close to the vest - perhaps because she is more afraid of being hurt (as she undoubtedly was during the divorce) than because she doesn’t like you.
You said that she seems to treat all of the adults the same, so I’m guessing that perhaps on some level (conscious or subconscious) she is holding back because after all, she loved her parents, and look at what they did. They got a divorce.
Then you moved in. You were *different* than her dad, and you treated her *differently* from most of the other grownups in her world.
Don’t forget to add in that she is (some would say “stubborn”) strong-willed, focused, and sharp-as-a-tack. She’s already one heck of a force to be reckoned with - and will be an incredible woman once she’s all grown up… but along the way she is trying to figure out who she can really count on to be there for her.
If I were to give you one bit of advice, I would try talking with her about all of this. Be open; let her know that you aren’t going anywhere. Tell her that you love her, and why. Let her know (again) why you are proud to be one of her Dads. Ask her what she would change about your relationship with her. See if you can get her to talk about your relationship a little. At least you will know that you have told her these things, that you tried; what she chooses to do with the information is up to her.
You know I’ll be keeping all of you in our prayers.
PS: Despite my own step-parental experiences, I hope you know that I have always admired your attitude, your openness, your unabashed and unashamed adoration of your kids. If every “step parent” was like you, the world would be a much, much better place.
(((hugs))) Thim
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