I have no idea what was so important that time I got upset with Andrew. Or that time. Or that time I scolded Hope. Or that time. The time I hollered? No clue what it was that seemed to be worth yelling.
In fact, I don’t remember all the times I yelled.
And I have had moments of wondering about how scarred our two children were going to be from the yelling, from the scolding.
What’s interesting, however, is that we’ve been having occasional conversations with our 21-year old and our 17-year-old this summer about parenting. And we are hearing is that what our kids remember is being loved. They remember that we’ve created a space where there is discipline, but in the context of growing and loving. On average, we encouraged, we talked, we listened.
We, the parents, remember the dumb things we did. They remember the context.
I listen to lots of younger parents around me worrying about whether they are doing everything right. I listen to coworkers who have spent time at camp with kids this summer, trying to wean the parents from the kids, trying to get the parents to stop texting their kids every night.
I listen and I think about the number of times I worried about not doing things exactly according to this expert or that method or those apparently perfect parents.
What I know now is that there is no way I could do everything right. And so to try to live up to so many methods and standards was guaranteed to do one thing: make me a failure as a parent.
A failure as measured by the multiplicity of measures, that is. As measured by how our kids are emerging, however, which is the measure that counts, I am finding myself grateful.
I have no idea what I was so upset about. Which gives me an idea.
Maybe we shouldn’t decide we are failures in 30 minute increments.
by Jon Swanson
Photo graciously provided by the author, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
7 responses so far ↓
Chris // Jul 30, 2008 at 6:13 am
Thanks, Jon. I needed to hear this from a parent with older kids. Mine are just 2-1/2 and 5 and I must admit, somedays there’s some yelling in our house. I have even accused my husband of damaging his connection to our kids with his yelling and nit-picking. Yet, they adore him and whenever he comes up from working in his office, they want to be with him. I yell too, yet I also snuggle, laugh, listen, play, teach, and just let them be themselves.
I wonder, have you ever “apoologized” to your kids for yelling at them years ago? Do they express any lingering feelings of hurt or anger?
jon // Jul 30, 2008 at 6:27 am
thanks, Chris.
Yes, across time there have been apologies. At the time, when our comments were driven as much by our own anger as their behavior, we apologized. We still kept to the boundaries, however (”I’m sorry I yelled. That is wrong behavior. You still can’t do ___.”) And both of us have done explaining and apologizing as they have gotten older and more able to understand the complexity of human behavior.
And I still have to remind myself with our kids, with Nancy, with coworkers that my exhaustion doesn’t excuse inappropriate responses from me.
And I have to remind myself that I’m still learning, too.
Stu Mark // Jul 30, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I’m too old to keep score anymore - Judging my parenting gets me nowhere and makes no one happy. Instead, I take each moment as it happens and remember the surfer’s credo - See the wave, watch what it does, join it.
STL Mom // Jul 30, 2008 at 3:24 pm
There was a great story on This American Life
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1249
about a boy who got a new bike, then left it outside without locking it up. When he went back out, his bike was gone. Assuming his brand new bike had been stolen, he sadly walked home. But when he got home, he discovered that his dad had seen the unlocked bike and decided to teach him a lesson by taking the bike home and scaring his son.
The father says that later he was sorry he did that, because he took away some of his son’s joy in having a new bike. The the son, now grown, tells his dad that the most important lesson he learned that day wasn’t “take care of your things.” The lesson he remembers is, “sometimes you get a second chance.”
Sometimes I feel like I spend all day trying to teach my kids table manners and nagging them to do some chores. I hope that when they grow up, they remember the really important lessons.
Stu Mark // Jul 30, 2008 at 9:14 pm
And to be clear, I’ve screwed up in front of my kids (and with my kids) many, many times. I just apologize, make sure they’re cool, and move on. And they treat me the same way.
I won’t know for sure whether my parenting works or not until they hit their 30s, but if I can keep them off the therapist’s couch, I’ll be happy.
jon // Jul 31, 2008 at 3:14 am
Stu - i figured it out before you clarified. but I’m glad you did. The constant “am I a good parent” struggle take so much energy. On the other hand, at risk of messing too much with your metaphor, kids don’t get to be the wave always. Sometimes they need to be the fruit tree that needs pruning, just not in anger.
STL Mom - I love that story. In my teaching, i’ve realized that there are the lessons I have in the syllabus and there are the lessons my students have learned. I am amazed often what people have remembered 20 years after class. Never what I intended. Often what I wish I could have intended.
Stu Mark // Jul 31, 2008 at 6:04 am
Well, sure, pruning, I get it. What I meant by the surfer’s credo was about the self-examination, the worry about whether my parenting style is working. I try not to judge, but to just accept it as it happens, and to go with it. As golfer’s say, play it where it lays. Take two and hit to left.
Leave a Comment