I’m in charge of the house, and by default, in charge of the family. I didn’t ask to be in charge, nor do I enjoy being in charge. But my kids are, well, kids, so they’re not mature enough to be in charge, and my wife works 60-80 hours a week, so she doesn’t have the time or the energy to be in charge. That leaves me.
Now, while I don’t want the job, I realize that it has to get done - the family needs leadership.
But what kind of leadership?
Since it was up to me, I made a decision a long time ago - we would function under the basic rules of consensus. The idea of consensus, in my family, is that everyone gets to express their opinion, and that everyone has a say in what happens within the family. While my wife and I may step in from time to time to steer the family ship away from the jagged rocks, for the most part we let the kids have an equal share in family decisions. Whether it’s food, activities, rules, freedoms, or what-have-you, the kids get a vote. (For those who need a translation, we’re hippies.)
Surprisingly, this works for us. It requires trust and it requires everyone to exert their moral best, so sometimes it’s not easy, but the upside is huge: We’re happy almost all the time, there are very few arguments, and, at one point or another, everyone gets what they want.
It’s scary, sure, no question. And there are the rare potholes in our road to bliss. But these are few and far-between, and are most often easily resolved.
And lastly, it seems to really have made the kids emotionally mature and content. They may chafe at the bit on occasion, especially if they have to concede and watch a movie that’s not enjoyable, or have pizza when they’d rather have pasta, but even then, they concede with class. It’s as if they see the bigger picture, that consensus-building leads to general well-being and satisfaction.
I realize this isn’t for everyone, and so I ask of you: How do you run your house?
by Stu Mark
Photo graciously provided by smackyface, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
6 responses so far ↓
john doe // Jul 14, 2008 at 1:14 pm
I doubt you have teenagers…
Stu Mark // Jul 14, 2008 at 1:40 pm
LOL! - Mr. Doe, I have a 12 year-old (almost 13) and a 16 year-old - 2 TeenAgers!!! AAAAGGGGHHH!!!!
Actually, that’s the best part of my parenting methods - when they become teenagers, all the normal stuff fades away and they are cool with whatever happens - well, not all the time, but 95% of the time, my kids are very cool with my decisions, whether they go their way or not.
Feel free to read any of my other essays, they’ll explain more about how I parent - maybe that will give you a better idea about me.
And, to be clear, my methods are just *my* methods, they may not work with anybody else. If they do, great, but if not, I get it completely - parenting is incredibly complicated.
Thimbelle // Jul 15, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Stu, you knew I couldn’t leave this one alone! LOL!
At our house, we have what The Wrench and I have always called a “benevolent dictatorship”. Twinks has grown up knowing that while we *will* listen to her requests/pleas/begging, *AND* while we *will* always have her and her best interests at heart with every decision we make… In the end, WE (meaning the parents) are the decision-makers. She has input, and we value it, but the final call is ours.
Having said all that… as she has grown up, and begun to take more responsibility around the house, and for her personal belongings, we have begun to include her as an active participant in more and more family decisions.
I’m not just talking about “Do we have pizza or hamburgers for dinner?” but including her thoughts and feelings when we made the decision to bring my Mom home to live with us. Or, asking her for input when we remodeled the house, and specifically regarding her room.
But at the end of the day, TW & I rule this roost; and while we try to make as many occupants of the house as happy as we can… sometimes, someone (including but not limited to Twinks) will be unhappy with the decisions that are made.
Small price to pay to live in paradise…
STL Mom // Jul 16, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I tell my kids (ages 5 &
that they can think whatever they think, and they can feel whatever they feel, (they can even express those thoughts and feelings as long as there is NO whining), but mom and dad make the decisions.
The kids get to make minor decisions, like picking what they will wear or what kind of sandwich they get at lunch. I’m trying to gradually increase their decision-making power along with increased responsibilities.
On the other hand, I still cringe when I remember yelling at the kids for messing up “my” house, and my daughter responding in a hurt tone, “but it’s our house too!” Oops. Yes, it is, honey. So let’s not mess up our house, okay?
STL Mom // Jul 16, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Hmm, apparently the number 8 before a parenthesis makes a smiley face. So that’s how you make those!
Debbie // Jul 23, 2008 at 9:00 am
We’re still working this one out. Our kids are 4 and 5, adopted as “older” children at 3 and 4. They had lived in a family-like setting before they came to us, so they understood about following rules and having a parental figure.
Our kids seem to feel most secure knowing what the rules are and that they are enforced–at only 19 months home, they want to feel protected. However, I think we will end up with a consensus-run household eventually. We listen to our kids more than any other parents I know, and we work hard to understand the root causes of their behavior, fears, and desires. Our kids seem to understand that Mom and Dad make the major decisions right now in a way that benefits everyone as much as we can.
I look forward to our kids’ growing contributions to family decisions.
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