In reality, it comes and goes, ebbs and flows. I have days where it is all I think about, where I’m obsessed and worried and a plain old freak about it. But then I’ll go through days, weeks even, where I don’t think about it - and I’m calm, rational, sane.
Still, the topic won’t go away and in fact is becoming more and more present, commanding more of my sincere attention and deepest consideration. And because I am obsessive and needy, I’m turning to you for advice and reassurance. And yes, also for a little delusion; because I’m the kind of person who analyzes and analyzes and over-analyzes in an effort to control, at least mentally, everything that scares her.
People, I’m talking about baby #2.
I’ve been obsessing about this a lot lately. I’m o.k. with that, it’s my way of getting used to things. But even as I try to get over my fears, the questions linger. And believe me, I’ve taken the comments I’ve received on this to heart. I know you can never be really ready, or that there’s no way of knowing how well or how badly it will all go. And I want so badly to believe that it will be easier, or not a total nightmare, and that my husband and I will do well and be o.k.
But.
But but but but but. I’m so scared. I’m so full of dread. I can’t yet feel excited about the prospect of making a baby, even though I really want to feel that excitement. I want to banish the thoughts about those awful newborn months. I want to not feel worried over what will happen to my relationship with Max. I want to believe the pregnancy and labor will be as great as the first time around. I want to know, or at least believe (really believe) that it will all be o.k. Maybe even better than o.k.
I always end up in the same place: we want more than one child, sooner rather than later, and we very much want Max to have a sibling. If I can over myself and all these fears and what ifs, it would all actually be wonderful. I feel the wonderfulness of it all lingering underneath all this stuff, and I’m aching to unearth it and hold it and make it all real.
by Tere
[tags]parents, baby, babies, kids, children, pregnant, pregnancy, family, fears, apprehensions[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by losiek, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
7 responses so far ↓
Whitney // Mar 5, 2008 at 7:05 am
It took us longer than we thought it would to add baby #2 to our family, so we went through the beginning stages of worrying whether we would need to see an infertility specialist. Then, when I was just getting frustrated and sure it wouldn’t happen, it did.
Baby 2 changes things a bit- you have to balance more things, but it makes a whole family. I don’t know if you ever feel totally ready- I think the best parents always have some doubts and fears, because it’s a big step bringing a new person into the world. That’s reality and caution speaking. But children are a terrific blessing, and each one brings something different into your lives. Each of our sons reflect different aspects of my husband’s and my personality, and it’s amazing seeing ourselves in these little people as they discover the world.
And the newborn months, while tough, I miss them now that my kids are 13 and 9- I wish I could do them again. There’s a peacefulness along with the stress and craziness- those quiet, cuddly moments realizing you brought new life into the world. (Now I only get that sense when I wake them up in the morning, or check on them before going to bed at night.)
You are totally sane, but you need to do what’s best for you- and siblings are a great thing for a child to have- to learn to share and get along with others.
Cecily T // Mar 5, 2008 at 7:58 am
Oh, I sympathize. We have an 8month old, and while memories of the newborn months are receding; I don’t want to fool myself into thinking it was all bunnies and blankies! (not much chance of that though).
While I have reached a point where the perspective allows me to recognize that I (and my boobs) will survive the newborn period, I’m still not sure that I ‘want’ another. Not like I wanted the one I have now. I feel the same way about the sibling thing; hubby and I both have one, and an only child seems, well, sort of strange. OTOH, only one means only one college tuition, only one who wants friends over at a time, etc.
I guess I’m waiting for the longing for another child to hit me. Perhaps when our little girl can walk and talk it will strike me that I want another little person in my life. I think I just wish they’d arrive aged 8 months!
Chris // Mar 5, 2008 at 8:22 am
This may sound like a strange suggestion, but if you’re having so much trouble maintaining equilibrium in the face of the unknown, you might consider learning self-hypnosis. It’s basically a form of deep relaxation and I learned it when I was pregnant with my second (I purchased a childbirth prep program called HypnoBabies). I asked myself all the same questions…I was terribly concerned about how the second would affect my relationship with my first and had a lot of anxiety about birth defects (Down syndrome in particular, as I was 37 when I got pregnant with my second and the first of those awful tests came up “positive”).
I started that birth prep program because of my anxiety about childbirth (the birth of my first did not go as I had hoped), but it helped me overcome much of my other anxiety as well. I now use the same techniques for relaxation at the dentist office and, when I think of it, whenever I’m experiencing anxiety. Anyway, you can probably find a similar program that’s not specifically for childbirth. Anxiety is a natural and necessary part of life–it makes us think, but if it’s preventing you from doing what you want, then perhaps it’s time to do something about it.
SJ // Mar 5, 2008 at 11:19 am
I am doing hypnobirthing with my second (due soon!) and second that idea. I also would suggest counseling with someone who specializes in birth type issues - I started seeing someone on the recommendation of my midwife (my first birth, not with a midwife, did not go as planned nor did my recovery) and it helped me get to the right place where I was still anxious about having baby #2 but ready to take the plunge. Now she’s almost here and I can’t imagine not having her - even though I am going into the newborn thing with eyes wide open - knowing that it doesn’t last forever and that I have a better support system in place helps.
Tere // Mar 5, 2008 at 5:51 pm
These comments really do so much to make me feel both normal and better. Thank you all for that.
Fancymap // Mar 7, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Yes, I have my 6mo old daughter and my 2.5 yr old son…and it was/is hard at times. Isn’t it said somewhere that we become stronger when we struggle through the challenges in life? Yeah, well whatever. When you’re sleep-deprived, everything is a big-ole, butt-pain…speaking of butts, BUT….it’s so darn beautiful to see your two (or more) children giving each other cuddles and share your parenting…And heck, my great-grandmother had 23 children with only 14 surviving…THAT would be something I don’t think I could take, watching so many of my children die from illnesses or mishaps, and having so many children…I don’t know how she did it (probably the older ones were helping a lot)
Learning stress management for the hard, tired moments and remembering to bask in the wonderful, sweet moments when they happen has to be the best we can aim for. For me it’s yoga class and hot baths for the stress. Making time to spend 1-on-1 with each child is part of it too. Good luck!
Debbie // Mar 12, 2008 at 1:51 pm
We adopted both of ours at the same time. We had, of course, applied to adopt only one child, but we had checked that little box that said, “Will consider sibling groups in special circumstances,” and here we are.
While we were trying to decide whether to accept the referral for two kids, my mother told me something that has turned out to be true: “With two kids, your attention is divided enough to allow you to appreciate each kid instead of wonder whether your one kid is okay. You learn fast to quit worrying so much and think of each child as an individual.” She’s been absolutely right. I probably worry less about the two of them combined than I would have about only one.
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