Grasshopper New Media Presents...

Well. I go to a hippie church. It’s a very personal thing, church, isn’t it? I have been trying to be pretty private about it. As private as you can be when you tell the Internet everything. In the “real” world, I kind of whisper, “We’ll be at church Sunday morning?” when people ask if we can have brunch, or go out and get drunk on a Saturday, or something. I won’t tell you the name of the church because you will think it’s a Moonie cult or something, unless you’re familiar with the religion, but it’s not, I promise! You can guess in comments, OK? Yay, yippie, we’ll make this interactive! Oh, wait. I need a cup of tea. You go get something too, if you can. Be right back…

OK, got the tea. And some toast with real butter and Rapunzel Organic Chocolate-Hazelnut Spread. (It’s like Nutella, but organic. So I’m feeling like it’s perfectly OK that I’m having chocolate on bread for breakfast.) Ready? This primer should be called “How Not to Teach Sunday School,” because after three weeks of class (a blend of third and fourth graders) I am an expert at what not to do. However, here are some tips:

•  You do not want to have your own kid in the class, if possible, because she/he will be the worst behaved. (Not that I’m speaking from personal experience. This is just a pretty good guess. Ha. Ha. My children are extraordinarily well-behaved.) (Fingers crossed behind back.)
•  If your kid is well-behaved, well then, color me shocked. Or color you the kind of parent who smiles indulgently as your child (”Isn’t he/she adorable? Such creativity!“) sprinkles glitter into the hair of all the eleven other students. Or dumps half a bottle of white glue all over the table. Or doesn’t listen to your teaching partner. Or says, “I don’t like these snacks, why do we always have pretzels?” Again, not that I’m speaking from personal experience.
•  You want to teach the lesson, which may require remembering your lesson book, and which also may require that you speak. And not clear your throat compulsively. You may want to limit the talking, because children really do hear the “wah wah wah wah wah wah” voice from the Charlie Brown cartoons when you open your mouth. It is OK to wish you had a cup of coffee, but it is not OK to leave your teaching partner solo with the kids while you go get a cup of coffee. If you need a bathroom break, those are sanctioned.
•  Also, it turns out that websites and e-mails are involved nowadays in teaching. So there are a lot of typed-out details, and urls of National Geographic websites you should check, and creative games and teaching strategies.
  ?   Why did I sign up to teach this year? It’s an unpaid position, with a commitment to teach every single Sunday morning with a few mornings off throughout the school year for holidays. I won’t be able to attend services as often as I like. But we were desperately short on teachers at my church, with a student enrollment that is growing. One of the education program directors caught me (via e-mail) while I was relaxed on vacation, and the upcoming school year for the Wacky Family looked like one big empty slate. Or dri-erase board, figuratively speaking.
•  Speaking of dri-erase boards, there is a lot more to decorating a classroom than setting out a handful of dri-erase markers and calling it a day. I am no interior decorator, so my classroom is looking barren. (In our defense, we share the space during the week with a private academy, and are in a sort of “detente” in regards to what decorations and math equations can stay up on the boards and walls.)
•  In fact, one mom already transferred her kid out of my class because, “This room is so… stark!” (Also, my teaching partner could not remember the kid’s name.) Again, in our defense, because I’m feeling a bit defensive, alright? names are hard to remember. Especially all these crazy-imaginative names people choose nowadays, and it was only the second class. No, I’m not giving any examples of names because that will be the name you chose for your sweet little widgie, and then you’ll cry, and I’ll have to apologize and bring you a glass of wine, and make your feelers feel all better.
  

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  Yes, we played some “name games” but apparently they didn’t work. Did I mention that the mom marched in mid-class and took her away? Yeah, that wasn’t too disruptive or anything.

  ! (Am failure as Sunday School teacher. Sob. OK, re-group. Deal. That’s… twelve kids left? I think we started with thirteen.)

• You will want to leave your purse or bag at home, if possible, or find a high cupboard to stash it in. If you leave it on the counter, the kids will think it’s fair game and root through it. “I was looking for scissors!”
• You will need to remember that even though there are two teachers and between 12-14 kids, they will not remember your name for at least a few weeks, if ever. And that you will be expected to memorize all of their names within three minutes of meeting them. This is the most critical advice I can give you: What you teach isn’t as important as remembering the dang names. And that some of your students will not be polite, but that you can’t hiss at them, “Be polite!” like you do to your own poor little children, because these are other people’s poor little children, and you are not the boss of them. Well, you are, but not really. It’s a no-man’s land, in a way.
• You should know that even though the parents will not learn your name, in the beginning or ever, and will most likely not thank you, you will be expected to remember their names and thank them.

That’s all I don’t know, for now.

WM

(PS — Edited to say: I wrote this on a Sunday morning, before going to church. In our crafts session, one of the little girls made an owl for me, cut out of brown construction paper, with an orange pipe cleaner beak, black pipe cleaner eyes, and pink feathers. Awwww. Now I know why all you teachers stay in it. It’s for the love-bucks, isn’t it?)

[tags]church, temple, mosque, Sunday School, holy, education, religious, religion, kids, children, education, teaching[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by michaelrighi, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved