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Whining. Each syllable stretches out over a year and slowly drives me batty. I would rather spend 48 hours in a gymnasium while 800 second graders chuck dodge balls at my face than listen to a kid whine for 15 minutes.

Here’s the thing: It’s my job to soothe. I hold them and coo and rub their backs and promise them that it’s okay. Soothing doesn’t mean telling them not to feel what they are feeling. They can and they should, even more so when that blast of emotion happens in such a small body. It is hard for big and little people to recover from an intense emotion. At some point, we should all find ways to make it easier.

So, after I sooth them, I ask them to take a deep breath. When Kid #1 was only a baby, just past his first birthday, he was already learning to breath deeply and choose words (or use sign language) to express himself. Of course, he was #1, and by and away the most perfect of children, so it was easy. 8 years later he uses strong skills to self soothe. While the kid ditched perfection years ago, he still calls up deep breathing to work through frustration, anger that might have led to a whine-a-thon.

Let me be clear: he is not utilizing the long proven technique of crumpling all of his feelings into a tight little ball and then shoving said ball down into his darkening soul. He breathes through those feelings of wanting to scream until blood drips from our ears. He breathes through wanting to smack his brother in the face with a tire iron. He breathes through pain of falling on the pavement in front of cruel classmates. He breathes through wanting to whine about all of the injustices in his world.

He expresses himself better than many adults that I interact with regularly. Probably better than me. Let me be clear again: he is still 8 and still sometimes whines or tantrums right out. He still runs to my arms to hold him and breathe with him (thank God). That’s still his job. It’s his quick recovery that inspires me most. It’s like the adage, dress for the job you want, not the job you have. This isn’t all about being 8 (or 3, or 6). It’s about learning to be 18, 28. 38…

Enter Kid #2 and later Kid #3, both filled with wild reluctance. At 6 and 3 their skills aren’t developing at the same rate, but they are developing. Neither of them were able to watch me to learn to breathe it out. It takes more effort.

Here are 3 approaches I’ve tried or am trying. Each has resulted in some level of success:

1. If the whining/screaming kid seeks your comfort, hold him and breath slowly and deeply. (If the kid isn’t a snuggler, try sitting, laying down, or just being close to him.) Emphasize the release of breath with a quiet whooshing sound. Model the deep breathing. Rinse and repeat. When the child starts to calm, talk to him. Validate the feeling, understand the emotion, and offer an alternative. Remind the kid that you are here to help him. Model the language or action that you want to see. Example: I feel better when I blow the sad (angry, frustrated) feelings very far away. That leaves room for me to find some words.

2. Count for them. I don’t mean “Stop whining/crying before I count to 3, you little so-and-so!” I mean count slowly and quietly, preferable while holding her. Counting gives the child something calm and predictable to focus on. She knows what’s coming next and is soothed by the quiet calm of your voice. Every few numbers pause and breathe.

3. The breathing thing might still not click, as in the case of my Kid #3. She’s 3 years old and loves to pretend it’s someone’s birthday. She makes cakes from blocks and puzzles and asparagus. We blow out a whole lot of candles. Not long ago we had a quick conversation and I said, “Hey Kid, next time you’re so, so sad, lets try and blow out the candles.” I think she said something like, “Hey Mom, how about we stop talking about this and you can eat the darn cake I just spent 4 minutes making?” When the time came and she was whining, she remembered as soon as I mentioned it. She has made mad progress these last few weeks. I just put my fingers up in front of her and she blows. Then we can talk about it.

If this comes off a little preachy, I’m sorry. You all know I’m not a parenting expert. Some of these things have worked for some of our children some of the time. You might have some of the same successes. Every kid will not get it the first or even the 15th time. And you all should tweak this to meet your kid and your goals. Maybe eventually these kids will begin to find ways to quiet their bodies and minds so that they can find appropriate solutions to the problems that they face.

And if that doesn’t work, they’ll clobber someone.

by Megin Hatch

[tags]kids, children, parents, parenting, advice, wisdom, technique, whine, whining, temper tantrums, adjusting, behavior modification[/tags]