If you’ve been following my writing/life, either here or at A Mom, a Blog and the Life In-Between (what? you haven’t?? why???), then you could probably see this post coming from a mile away.
Now that Max is 2 and a 1/2, we’ve reached that place: the one where we’re trying to figure out how to get him out of our bed and into his own room. First, let me give a brief history of our sleeping situation:
Max started out in the bassinet next to my side of the bed. Within a few days, after constantly pulling him out and putting him for and after his night feedings, I was done with it. It was a PITA and plus, he was so friggin’ tiny that he was lost in that bassinet. He had also developed this reflux-like condition, and so, for our peace of mind, we moved him onto our bed, where we could monitor him (you could hear the milk come up and him clear his throat to push it back down, and on top of that, I was terrified of SIDS, so basically, if I was going to spend the entire night up observing him, I wanted to at least be in the comfort of my bed). At some point, I learned how to nurse lying down, and I also went back to work. So we settled with co-sleeping for the longer term, since it’s what worked for us.
Then when Max was about 10 months old, his sleep patterns changed and he became very restless in our bed, and he transitioned to his crib without any trouble.
And here’s where things get weird. All was well - he would sleep in his crib and, while he fussed some, he would self-soothe and go to sleep in a short amount of time. Then when he was about 20 or 21 months, another change came, and he grew petrified of his crib. Like, the howling and shrieking was awful. Not having anywhere else to put him, we went back to co-sleeping.
So now Max is 2 and 1/2, and the co-sleeping thing just isn’t working anymore. Or rather, the I-must-have-mami-or-daddy-or-both-lay-down-with-me-or-I-will-not-at-all-fall-asleep thing is no longer working. I would be o.k. to still have him in our bed if he could just learn to fall asleep on his own, or with minimal interaction with us. Because the pattern that’s developing is that one of us must lay down with him (and even then there are nights where he’s up and running and basically not going to sleep), and by the time he falls asleep, it’s one to two hours later, and whoever one of us is with him also falls asleep. But it’s only 8:30 or 9:30 p.m., and it’s totally messing up our sleep patterns. We are, generally speaking, suffering here.
We got him a toddler bed and are going to move it into our room to transition him out of our bed and into his own, with the hope of eventually moving the bed (with him in it) back to his room. (There was a brief period where he slept in his bed, but we still had to lay down with him, and honestly, my husband and I both are a little too big to comfortably lay in that tiny bed). It seems like that’s a good way to do this.
However, I’m still concerned about this going-to-sleep process. We’ve tried putting him to bed earlier (thinking he’s overtired by the time we get in bed) and have also kept him up later to go to bed when we do, and neither has made a difference in his behavior. He plays, jumps, gets up and runs into the living room, etc. And I vacillate between being gentle and being harsh, humoring him and being strict and “mean”. Is this normal? Should it take a boy his age an hour or two to fall asleep? Is it realistic to expect to be able to teach him to fall asleep on his own by now? Or to at least teach him to settle down without it requiring one of us to fall asleep, too? And how do we even go about doing this?
by Tere
[tags]parents, baby, babies, kids, children, toddlers, bed, awake, sleep, alone, process, methods, advice[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by brookesb, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
8 responses so far ↓
Lance // Mar 25, 2008 at 12:02 pm
My wife & I are sooo going through the same thing right now with our 2.5yr old son! I’d love to hear more about what you try (& what works!) Hang in there…
AmyL // Mar 25, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Tere, We didn’t do the co-sleeping thing (with twins, it’s really hard!) but had SERIOUS struggles getting Captain Earthquake to sleep all night in his own bed. I wrote about some of the factors we had to deal with here: http://www.gnmparents.com/he-sleeps/
Ultimately, it took a lot of patience and resolve. The Captain is strongly attached to me (showed up at 4:30 this morning to ask if I would “sweep wif me”) and it’s hard to say no to that. By gradually reducing things, he was able to learn to go back to bed on his own without screaming when I tell him to. We’ve come to an understanding where if I’m already in bed, he has to go back to his. It didn’t start out that way. At first, I had to lay down with him. Then I carried him back to bed. Eventually, we reduced that to walking holding my hand….then him walking in front of me….then him walking with me ten seconds behind, etc. until he did it on his own.
Ultimately I think you have to figure out what his issue is, then plan a strategy and keep exploring along the way. Is your guy experiencing fear? Is he just doing the toddler-control thing? There are different solutions for different problems.
Let us know what your progress is! I know how hard it is when you don’t get a night’s sleep over and over and over again…
Megin Hatch // Mar 26, 2008 at 5:24 am
We co-slept through night nursing and then made the transition. With #1 he hated his crib so we took the mattress out and put it on the floor. Then began a long and cumbersome process. It was a weaning of a different kind, still very gradual.
1. we rocked him to sleep
2. we laid next to him
3. we sat next to him
4. we sat farther away from him
5. repeat #4
6. repeat #5
7. we left the room for “just a minute”
8. we extended that minute
9. repeat #8
10. repeat #9
It was a lengthy process. Each stage lasted a few days. What I learned from it for child #2 and #3 was to develop a routine and stick to it. We never feberized- I never wanted to let the kids end the day on a sad, lonely note. We did develop routines and we do our best to stick to them when we aren’t traveling.
My 3.5 year old had trouble transitioning from a crib to a toddler bed. So we now have a routine where we sit quietly next to her and she falls asleep within a few minutes. We aren’t touching her or talking to her, we are simply there. It’s working for us now and is a million times easier than the frustration of repeatedly walking her back to bed, both child and parent becoming more frustrated every time. Soon we will alter that routine until she learns to fall asleep alone.
It’s not easy. I think routine (not necessarily the same as schedule) is key. Establishing a new routine at 2.5 won’t be easy, but if you commit to trying it for 2 weeks I think you will identify progress.
Also, when my boys were 3-6 they came in to sleep with us often. This didn’t work for us because they are restless sleepers and getting pushed off the bed is not my idea of fun- so we went to bed at night and laid sleeping bags next to my bed. They’d come in, have a quick snuggle and were given the choice of sleeping in the bags or going back to bed. AND they worked through it on their own and rarely come in except for an occasional nightmare.
When all else fails remember:
1. It’s just a phase
2. He’s not going to be sleeping in your bed in high school… (this too shall pass)
Tere- let us know what you decide and how it works. It’s not easy now, but the memory softens as they get older and stop climbing in bed with you.
radmama // Mar 26, 2008 at 6:13 am
I often laid down with mine when they were that age while they fell asleep. A bath and bedtime story helped, but the cuddle was the necessary part of the ritual.
Many toddlers I have known, co-sleeping or not, have had a hard time falling to sleep around 2.5. It seems to be a common stage.
We have co-slept on and off, but both were mostly in their own beds by their choice at the 3, with morning visits to my bed.
Actually, now that they are 9 and 12, they still get a cuddle at night but will tell me when they’re ready for me to get up.
Bedtime snuggles are such a fleeting thing, even when they seem very long.
Claudia // Mar 26, 2008 at 7:46 am
I second the routine idea. For as long as I remember our night time routine consists of bath, pj’s, storytime, singing, prayer and off to bed in the crib. At first it was hard because he would cry, but I would come back and check on him after 1 minute, then 2, then 3. Eventually he would settle himself to sleep. If you don’t want to do the cry-it-out method then you can sit with him (and each night sit further and further away until you are outside of the room).
There was a point last month when Chris all of a sudden started crying and didn’t want to go to sleep in his crib, so we had to go back to the checking in on him after 1 min, 2, 3, etc. He didn’t really cry, but he called my name out alot and asked for all sorts of things. It lasted for a week or two, but now he goes to sleep by himeslf again like he used to. I guess it’s a phase they all go through at around 2.5 yrs old.
Another thing, when he wakes up (anywhere from 5:30 to 7:30), we bring him to bed with us and give him some milk and he falls alseep again with us. This is mostly so we can get more sleep. Ha ha.
I hope you find a method that works for you.
nan // Apr 3, 2008 at 4:23 am
We co-slept too, and now I miss it! We used the technique above too: lie with them, sit beside them, sit on the floor folding laundry in the dark (I got SO MUCH laundry folded! It was great!), and saying “just going to brush my teeth, be right back”, and gradually on to “going to have a shower, back in ten minutes”, and “I will be in the kitchen. Call me if you need me”. The idea being that if you call, I will come, so there is NO NEED to get out of bed! (when they call, go. But be as booooring as possible. Monotone. “oh. Ask me tomorrow, I’m too sleepy.” grownups are boring after bedtime, see?) It is grownup time now, all children must go to bed. Because I said so! This worked really well with all three boys, with no crying. Sometimes I think that I should go back to folding laundry and humming lullabies on the floor in the dark. Because DUDE! When else am I going to fold it all?
angela // Sep 5, 2008 at 5:49 pm
oh I so understand this. My son is 18 months old. But I fear the issue isnt with him, its with me.
Ive always laid with him or rocked him to get him to sleep. Sometimes we will be watching a movie and he’ll konk out…but we have no set bedtime or routine. Im starting to think it might be time for this to happen because it just cant be good for him to be going to sleep at midnight some nights.
But im just holding on to those precious moments of holding him and singing to him while he goes to sleep….its just so wonderful and I wonder who long is too long to do this with him….I mean i could set a bedtime and lay down with him and he will fall asleep…but still he wont be doing it on his own….today I put him for his nap and he went right to sleep in his own bed…..and at night after he falls asleep he sleeps in his own bed right until morning.
So i dunno its a tough thing all around.
t // Sep 24, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Let him cry. One week of crying for years of sleep. Be the parent
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