How Do You Teach Shared Responsibility?

June 8th, 2009 by AmyL · 6 Comments

Here I am again, talking about kids and cleaning up. Are you getting sick of it yet? Hope not!

Today I walked into the office and the wireless keyboard was sitting in the middle of the floor, ready to be crushed by someone who wasn’t watching the floor carefully. I mentioned to the boys in the room that this was not cool, and before I could go further The Manager immediately blamed A, who was visiting for the evening. It didn’t matter that this was the third time I’d had to move that keyboard out of harm’s way in less than 12 hours.

I completely understand The Manager thinking that this problem was not his fault. However, he knew the keyboard was in the wrong place and he left it there rather than fix the problem. In my mind, while he’s not to blame for the situation, he should have taken the initiative to solve a problem he knew existed.

But how do you teach that? How do you get rather careless children to care about taking good care of their possessions? To notice there’s a problem and then solve it? I don’t want to complain or nag about it. That won’t do any good, and will make the situation worse. Blowing up and yelling: also not a good choice. So what does work? Any ideas?

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by AmyL

Photo graciously provided by //amy//, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

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6 responses so far ↓

Nan // Jun 8, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Hmmm… Occasionally, I blow up and yell. It happens so seldom that my boys KNOW that THIS IS SERIOUS. I pick my yells carefully.

But most of the time, I am like a stuck record. Today I told my eldest to pack away his MP3 stuff (cables, speakers, batteries, etc etc…) TEN TIMES. Finally, he did. I got his attention, looked him in the eye and said “You just spent a lot of money for some of this stuff. You’re going to be sorry when it gets lost.” If he were younger, I might have confiscated the stuff for a few days.

It’s a work in progress. We have to just repeat ourselves over and over. And we have to make it clear when we have had ENOUGH.

As I tell my kids, “BECAUSE I SAID SO!” From the Ye Olde Booke of Parenting.
AmyL // Jun 8, 2009 at 9:41 pm

Nan,

Maybe it’s unrealistic for me to want to NOT repeat myself so much. I’ve noticed that I get to 3 and my patience is gone.

Interestingly, I’ve also noticed that the boys tend to respond the third time….methinks one side has trained the other in some way. But who trained who?

Today I experimented with my Game Show Host voice: YOU have just won the “Clean Up the Towels in the Bathroom Because You Left Them On the Floor Prize”!!!

At least I didn’t yell. I don’t do it all the time, but I do land there too often.
Three Things - Earnest Parenting // Jun 8, 2009 at 11:18 pm

[...] We’re talking about teaching responsibility over at GNMParents. Got any suggestions for [...]
Megin Hatch // Jun 9, 2009 at 6:11 pm

I don’t have any answers- but sometimes I want to have a t-shirt made. Save my voice in case there is a real emergency.

Some of it must be natural consequence, I guess. The rest might just be consistency… long beyond when they “should” get it.
STL Mom // Jun 10, 2009 at 11:07 am

I read a parenting book that said if you have to repeat yourself over and over, your kids have been trained to only respond after the 3rd or 10th repetition, or when you start yelling.
The author suggested that when calm, tell the kids what the consequence will be next time they don’t do what they are supposed to do. Then next time the problem occurs, the parent reminds the kid once, calmly, what the consequence will be if they don’t do it. If the kid doesn’t do it immediately, the consequence occurs and no arguing or second chances are allowed.
Unfortunately I’m not consistent enough to be good at this, but I’m working on it. I like related consequences, like if the computer stuff is messed up, no computer time for a day.
Also, a few weeks ago I took almost every toy, gadget, craft supply, and stuffed animal out of my daughter’s room and put them in the attic. She was told she could earn them back one at a time. She’s earned quite a few, but I’m thinking that since she’s not trying that hard for the rest, it is probably time to make a big donation to charity.
AmyL // Jun 11, 2009 at 9:08 pm

Megin, I keep trying new phrases and ideas on them, trying to clearly communicate what I want. Today a new question came up: Are you making the world a better place? I asked a boy and he shook his head no. He seemed to understand what I was asking, so I’m hoping to use it again when I catch them doing good. Then maybe we’ll take a step in the right direction.

STL Mom I absolutely have trained them to wait until the third time. No question about it. I’m working on improving that. Hubby keeps telling me that the older boys have too much stuff in their room. We’ve pared back and pared back and still the room is difficult to maintain. Part of the problem is that I’m storing a lot of school supplies in their closet. A goal this summer is to get that out and see if we can get the room under control.

And I’ll keep hitting the “make the world a better place” theme. Maybe that will stick.