In last week’s post I asked people for clarification on the concept of “socialization”. Heartfelt thanks to Stu, Anita B, InTheFastLane, STL Mom, and Amberlynn for extremely thoughtful answers.
As a home schooler I am frequently met with the question about how my children are socialized. Implicit in the socialization question are some assumptions which I find troubling. To repeat my own comment to Anita,
Why do we think that children can only be properly socialized when exposed to large groups of other children who may not share similar values? Why do we not trust parents to teach their children proper manners and interaction? And, given that much (not all) of the public school milieu is unique unto itself, why do we worry that children who do not participate will somehow be handicapped?
I’ve spoken to parents both online and in real life who seem to lack faith in their own abilities to bring up their children and I find that very sad. Am I saying that children shouldn’t spend time with peers in groups? Of course not. I think that peer interaction is quite important in any child’s development. I just don’t think that it takes precedence over parental leadership, instruction, and encouragement.
Values (religious/moral, political, cultural) is another area that I ponder. It’s fair to say that all parents want to pass their own values on to their children. That is as it should be. However, there are ideas that I as a Christian hold in esteem that an Atheist would not for example. How do we resolve that tension? The answer for me is three-fold. 1)Give my kids a strong foundation in what we believe about how to be the best human beings they can be; 2)Teach them to accept that other people can and will disagree along the way; 3)Teach them how to question, then defend and live by their own convictions.
Another consideration for me in home schooling is environment. The public school system is well, a system. It’s a culture and a world unto itself. Which is fine, I’m a product of public schooling myself. I really am (respectfully) serious when I ask what in the public school world transfers to real life. Are they missing out on some experiences? Yes. The boys and I have discussed the fact that there are things in public school-sitting at a lunch table giggling with friends or riding a school bus for example-that are not easily replicated at home. Can I balance that out with other opportunities? Absolutely. Can I teach them what they need to know to transition out into college and adult life smoothly? Yes, I believe so.
I mentioned last week that a conversation with someone regarding socialization surprised me. The father I was talking to said that he believed children should be in public school so that they would experience differing value systems and peer pressure; he believes that strengthens them.
I’d never considered it from that vantage point before. I do see his point. There’s something to be said for not asking them to run before they can crawl though, and I prefer to delay some of that questioning and testing until they’re a bit older and more confident in their own skins. Children are so frequently rushed along toward adulthood. Why not slow that down and let them enjoy some innocence while they can?
If you haven’t read Amberlynn’s comment on last week’s post, I recommend it. Here’s a snippet:
Learning to handle criticism, bullies, and hard times is nothing we want to subject our children to – but valuable nonetheless
She’s right. I’m not going to easily replicate a year or more of bullying for my boys to experience. However, I can daily set standards for them to meet and be uncompromising in my quest for excellence (insert image of my children grinding their teeth here). And I can seek out opportunities for them to learn and be tested that cause them to push their own limits and grow.
One final piece of information about home schooling and socialization. The first large group of homeschooled children in the US is now all grown up and having kids of their own. Naturally, this group has been studied and followed (dontcha just love researchers?) and there’s a lot of data available about how they turned out, what they think about their own experiences, and what choices they’re making for their own children. One resource is the National Home Education Research Institute.
by AmyL
Photo graciously provided by mia3mom, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
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6 responses so far ↓
Amberlynn // Apr 7, 2009 at 9:52 am
Thanks for the kind comments, Amy. I tend to get long-winded when I explain my opinions, so thanks for reading through. Also, thanks for giving us some great points to ponder.
Thimbelle // Apr 7, 2009 at 8:49 pm
I haven’t had a chance to comment until now, but I have found this to be an interesting and enlightening pair of posts.
TW & I have considered (more than once) either homeschooling or “virtual school” for Twinks. Primarily because she misses so much school every year due to medical issues; last year she missed a total of nearly three months of school.
We have the resources to teach her effectively, and we are blessed to be living in a town with a strong homeschool co-op. The only reason we don’t homeschool/virtual school Twinks is that… she wants to go to public school. She will graduate with friends that she has known since Kindergarten.
When we discussed homeschool or virtual school with family and friends, we always heard the “socialization” argument. Our response was always the same… That Twinks, being an “only”, has grown up in an adult-dominated world anyway. She will (hopefully) live 80% or better of her life in an adult-dominated world. We know, as her parents, how to help her have fun as a kid. We also know how to teach her how to behave in adult society. Regardless of WHERE she learns, what is more important is WHAT she learns… WHAT is in her heart… HOW she treats others… End of “socialization” argument.
Even though I did not get to have the privilege of homeschooling Twinks, I hope that some day – soon! – as a society we can accept that it doesn’t matter so much WHERE you learn, as it does WHAT you learn, and what is in your heart.
Anita B // Apr 8, 2009 at 7:35 am
This has been a very interesting discussion and has given me a lot of things to talk about when those demeaning eyes look at me and say, “Are you nuts?” I don’t really get this from my family as do a lot of other homeschoolers I know, but from people at church (my husband is a pastor and yes, I know that it’s really sad that all the criticism in my life comes from the one place where it shouldn’t-but that’s beside the point) A lot of the comments I get are about socialization and I’ve always said the same thing, “Have you met my son? Do you think he has any problems relating to people?” Some of the comments I get are about other things like, “How can you stand to be around your kids ALL day?” and “Do you really think you can get them all the way through high school?” (did I mention I teach high school?) Anyway, all of these questions and comments are met with a smile and a quick explanation, but sometimes I would love to just tell people to mind their own business. But that really wouldn’t be good coming from the pastor’s wife, now would it? Thanks so much for the wonderful discussion. Looking forward to any future comments.
STL Mom // Apr 8, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Oh, Anita, I know all about criticism at church. I’m a P.K. (pastor’s kid) and I know my mom faced a lot of, shall we say, examination of her life. My sympathies!
Amy, we don’t homeschool, but my husband likes to point out that it is only VERY recently in human history that we have segregated ourselves by age instead of living and working with our families.
Anita B // Apr 8, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I’m actually also a PK. My mom took it the opposite direction than I do-she was all about keeping up appearances, but I just let everyone know that *gasp* I’m not perfect!
AmyL // Apr 14, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Amberlynn, You’re welcome. And thanks.
I really appreciated your comments!
Thimbelle, here here! I hope for more understanding from all parties someday. It’s important for people to do what works best for them. But. They have to also let others do the same, even if that means making different choices.
Anita B. Oy. Being a pastor’s wife adds a whole other layer of ummmm, complexity to the situation. My hat’s off to you.
STL Mom, your husband is correct. It’s funny how short our collective memory can be.
I was talking to a local homeschooling mom about this the other day and she made a new point that cracked me up. In a nutshell, she said, “Well, who is my son going to interact with when he grows up? Adults! So why is it a bad thing that he spend time now learning how to get along with them?”
Anita again. Good for you!!! Less stress and more honesty all around.
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