My advice this week is brief, yet this may be a small tool with many uses. Yours to decide.
Here’s the thing: When we have young kids with us at the market, and someone says “Hi” to our kid, we’d like them to say, “Hi” back. But kids are shy. And when they don’t say “Hi” back, sometimes we see that as rude and we chastise the child, passively or actively. This leaves the child no closer to unlearning “shy.”
My concept is this: In private, at home, maybe before bedtime, teach your kid that there are two words: “Hi” and “Hello.” Teach them that they can save “Hi” for people they know, and use “Hello” for everyone else. This way, they won’t be rude, you won’t feel tense, and your kid will gain an extra step towards courage.
That’s it. Good luck, let me know if it works for you, or if you can use this tool in other ways.
And with that, I officially open the door to questions. Send me any concepts you’d like to see addressed here at GNMParents. My email address is stumark@verizon.net. And remember, I’m no more knowleadgble about this parenting stuff than you are. I just write about it because my kids are too old for a babysitter and I’ve got a little free time on my hands. 
by Stu Mark
[tags]kids, children, parents, parenting, shy, hi, hello, social, out of the house, strangers, politeness, rude, appropriate greetings, salutations[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by James Zwier, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
5 responses so far ↓
SJ // Oct 29, 2007 at 7:01 am
Funny, I have almost the opposite problem - my son says Hi to everyone! and wants to know their name and their kid’s name, and their dog’s name.
Which is all great most of the time. But many people actually ignore him, which makes him (and me) a little sad.
Stu Mark // Oct 29, 2007 at 7:07 am
Mean. People. Suck.
How could you ignore a kid who engages you in conversation? Sad indeed.
However, the glass is half-full. Think of all the lives he touches with his upbeat and inquisitive nature. Good for him!
AmyL // Oct 29, 2007 at 12:02 pm
A parent on a forum I’m on pointed out something interesting regarding teaching children to say hello in stores: when we encourage that, we’re teaching our kids to speak to the very strangers that we usually warn against. So for the very young, I think I’d say let them stick to the shyness and then teach them the social skills a bit later when they’re able to discern whether it’s appropriate to speak to someone or not.
One of my little guys was pretty friendly in stores all the time too, and I did see adults not responding. I think some of it was they just plain didn’t notice him. I know I have often made the mistake of missing friends talking to me because I was so focused on the shopping mission that I wasn’t paying attention to anything else.
nan // Oct 30, 2007 at 5:23 am
I love a child with nice manners, and I don’t think it’s dangerous to say “hi” to a stranger. Manners need to be taught, though, and learning to say “hi” can be a good way to help a child overcome shyness! Sam used to bury his face in my lap and mumble “hi” if anyone spoke to him. He always ended up grinning, while the times when he couldn’t say anything at all made him sad. Even shy children, I think, get a lot out of a very brief conversation. That little “hi” can help them, eventually, move on to “fine, thank you.” if you tell them afterwards that they made old Mrs. Smith feel very happy when they spoke to her, they can begin to learn kindness. But they should never be forced to speak to someone if they don’t want to.
James Zwier // Feb 12, 2008 at 8:42 pm
While googling myself, I found you used one of my pictures for your blog. It’s fun to see someone else using my pictures! This is exactly why I use Creative Commons.
I imagine you searched flickr for “shy kids” and found my photo. Thanks for the publicity!
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