I have a whole new appreciation for my mother these days.
I can never remember a time when our house wasn’t clean. She always had a batch of fresh cookies in the jar, and she sewed countless outfits for special occasions: Halloween costumes, orchestra concert ensembles, a skirt for my 12th birthday celebration. Dinner was always on the table, every single night.
There are three of us kids, with four years between my sister and I, and seven-and-a-half separating me from my brother.
Honestly, I don’t know how she did it, and I look around my own messy life and feel totally inadequate. I’ve got one kid, a regular babysitter and a small house.
I asked my mother recently how she managed to run such a tight ship, and why I always felt behind in the housekeeping race.
“Honey, I would stay up and do it all after you kids were in bed,” she said. “I would clean at midnight.”
Can you imagine? Staying up all night cleaning the toilets on your hands and knees, just so the house was clean enough to be destroyed again by three maniacs the next day?
I thought about what she said, and what that meant for how my mother lived her life. She lived it, almost in its entirety, for us kids and my dad.
I don’t do that, and my choice is never more apparent than when I am preparing for a trip, as I am at the time of writing this.
Before every vacation we ever took when I was a child, my mother’s anxiety would ramp up into an all-night cleaning frenzy. We were all enlisted in the military exercise that was preparing the house for our absence.
I could never understand why we cleaned a house in order for it to stand empty and sentinel, awaiting our return. Over the years, we learned to laugh about it - at least, a little - and dubbed it “Hell Night.”
I’m sitting in my kitchen right now, and the counters are littered with papers, empty Coke bottles and plates from last night’s snack. The dishwasher needs to be emptied and the laundry room is taunting me, piles of clothing that we need to take with us on a jet plane in two days lay on the floor there.
My bathrooms are dirty, and the fridge needs to be cleaned out. The beds are unmade, and The Poo’s diapers are sitting on the stairs, where they took up residence when I bought them last week. Last night for dinner, the husband and I ate toast well after I’d fed The Poo her customary macaroni and cheese.
So what am I going to do today? I am going to lunch with a friend, I’m writing this essay, and I am planning to work on a freelance editing project I took on to get extra cash for Christmas gifts.
Hell Night looms large in my memory, as well as the fallout experienced by my mother, who felt so driven to create a perfect home that she often neglected her own needs in favor of ours. I see that pain lingering in her eyes even today.
Once I told her that I’d seen her job, and I didn’t want it.
I have that job now, wife and mother, but I try to do it differently, bearing in mind my mother’s eyes all the while.
What do you let slide for your mental health? Anything? Everything? ‘Fess up, you’re among friends.
by A.L. Hatch
[tags]kids, children, parents, Mom, cleaning, midnight, understanding, wisdom, cleaning[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by MindSpigot, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
16 responses so far ↓
Emily // Nov 20, 2007 at 6:40 am
What do I let slide for my mental health? Well, I sure ain’t scrubbing toilets at midnight. I think it is mostly about food. We eat a lot of pasta for supper.
Fizz // Nov 20, 2007 at 6:48 am
I had the same kind of mom! I’m still struggling with finding my own path - a big part of me still feels quilty, inadequate, and “bad” if I let the housekeeping/cooking/laundry slide. On the other hand, if I’ve learned anything from this past year, it’s that I *can’t* live my whole life for my husband and son. So, I’m trying to sort it out. Right now it seems to be the laundry that goes for DAYS and makes mountains on the carpet. And sometimes, the dishes pile in the sink. Ignore that little voice screaming about it - it’s just my mom in my head.
Wendy // Nov 20, 2007 at 6:55 am
I think I am more like your mother. My mother was not like her, so I think I have gone the other way. I totally get the clean house before you leave. Hell, I clean the house, even when there is a possibility that it won’t be there (hurricane evacuations) when we come back.
I am struggling to find something that is just mine, but until then I will do this. We all need something to do.
Ginger // Nov 20, 2007 at 7:14 am
Hi! Really enjoyed your Hell Night posting. My mom was sort of the opposite … she did what she wanted to do and dragged us along (hence I grew up in bowling alleys and local dinner theaters). But I will still never get how she made a hot dinner for all six of us six nights a week - (Sunday was takeout) and it all arrived at the table, hot, at the same time. Can’t do it. I also called her once to thank her for taking out all the seeds in the watermelon when she cut it for us. She said she didn’t do that for us… she did it because that’s the way she liked it! Ahhh, live and learn and love thyself. (I’m a fellow GNMParents blogger, also blogging at http://www.connectwithkids.com. I love your website (your old one, too). Do you give lessons? Look forward to reading more.
–Ginger
Leeanthro // Nov 20, 2007 at 8:02 am
Don’t bother making the beds! Who cares, there are more important things in life.
Leeanthro // Nov 20, 2007 at 8:09 am
Oh, and there’s nothing better than coming home to a clean house after being away.
IntheFastLane // Nov 20, 2007 at 8:35 am
I do clean for my mental health. The more chaotic the house, the more chaotic I feel. I am not immaculate, but the clutter is always picked up before I go to bed and the house is always cleaned before we go on a trip. As my kids have gotten older, some of the responsibilities are being shifted. My two older kids are now in charge of cleaning their own bathroom and it gets done once a week and I don’t look at it on the other days.
One of the ways I try do for my mental is making lists and organizing and making sure that I have time to myself each day, even if I have to get up early.
Jamie // Nov 20, 2007 at 9:40 am
My mom was not and still is not a cleaner. I want my house to always be clean, so cleaning is not what i let slide.
I guess the things I let slide are things for myself such as haircuts, highlights, new glasses, etc. But I am learning to indulge myself more. I just bought new glasses yesterday after having the others for 3 years. Ahhh I can see again!!
Henny Penny // Nov 20, 2007 at 10:11 am
What did Ann Richards say, something likem “I don’t want my tombstone to say, She kept a clean house.” True for me.
Lisa Milton // Nov 20, 2007 at 10:16 am
Hi. My name is Lisa and I’m a slob.
I try my best, but cleaning doesn’t come naturally to me - which is to say I just don’t care that much.
I’d rather do a kajillion other things on any given day.
Life is short.
carrie // Nov 20, 2007 at 11:29 am
I do the exact same thing - stay up late scrubbing toilets - and mine are STILL dirty! Not fair!
But I totally clean the house before a trip so that I have less to do upon the return. There is nothing like coming home to a clean house!
Jennifer (Faking It) // Nov 20, 2007 at 1:52 pm
I hate cleaning, I really do, and my house is nowhere near neat and tidy. But, at the same time, crazy chaos at home results in me feeling even more crazy and chaotic than I normally do. So, yep, I’ve been known to stay up until midnight cleaning. Not that it shows, after three kids wake up mere hours later…*sigh*…
Bipolarlawyercook // Nov 20, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Not enough, yet. But I’m working on it.
amanda // Nov 20, 2007 at 4:01 pm
I have to echo the lovely Fast lane on this one. I clear the counters each night because I know that for whatever reason, the next self-worth is rooted in whatever I have to bypass to get to the coffee.
Now the laundry? The laundry I let gather in a closet until it is shoulder high (and I’m 5′10″) but, they say you conserve energy if you take advantage of the heat built up in the dryer by doing successive loads…you buy that?
Jennifer // Nov 21, 2007 at 10:55 am
I hate cleaning. HATE IT. Yes, it’s nice to have a clean house, but not nice enough for me to face the aggravation.
I do like to cook, though, so we eat lots of healthy meals and not so healthy baked goods….
Margaret's Husband // Nov 22, 2007 at 4:40 am
My wife is my hero. Her work ethic is a model for our children. She is unselfish, loving, and cares more about others than herself. I want my kids to be like that. I want to be like that. I do wish she would love herself as she loves her neighbor.
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