There are a lot of times when I am busy and my kids want my attention.  I sometimes have to triage which gets attention first, how important is it, etc.  Sometimes I don’t give them my full attention even when I am allegedly listening, because I’m worried about the 27 other things on my plate.    And sometimes, behavior and what they’re saying, if you really listen, tells the story that their words do not.

For example, my youngest has developed a habit of saying “But Mom, you have to listen to me.”  I’ve started to tell him that actually, no, I don’t have to listen to him- he should be asking for my attention, not demanding it, and I will respond much better than when he’s interrupting me repeating the “But but Mom” mantra.  “Mom, I need to tell you something” and  “Mom, I still have something to tell you” works much better than stepping over me and interrupting me when I’m talking to him.  What he’s really trying to say here is probably “I need you just to listen, please”  but this gets lost in what ends up sounding like a demand for center stage. 

The lesson here is probably that I need to really listen, and he needs to do the same, and we’ll have less of this conversation that gets caught in semantics.

A girlfriend recently had a problem and called her husband at work, asking if he’d come home at lunch to help her with it.  He was clearly not excited about the prospect and busy with work and she got mad at him for not riding to the rescue.  This drama, under the first layer or so could be translated as: “Hi Honey.  I am having a crappy day and I’m asking you to come home and help me because I just can’t deal with this alone right now, I am tired and exhausted and have had enough.  If you can spare the time, it would mean a lot to me if you could come help.” 

Instead, the request is read by the husband as “Here she goes again, and I can’t believe I have to go home in the middle of the day to help her with this thing.  Lord, she’s an adult-figure it out.”  But he, too, if he read her request in the second vein could have said:  “I understand how you feel, and I will be happy to come help you and make you feel cared for and share this experience with you.  Right now, my boss feels like I should focus on what’s happening here, is it alright if I handle this when I get home at dinner?”  Instead, a tone that could be read as “Do I Have to?” sets her teeth on edge, and this little mis-communication causes way more stress than it probably needs to.  She thinks he doesn’t care enough to come help her when she says it’s important, and he’s having problems judging why it’s so important that it needs to interrupt the work day.

It can be really difficult to hear what someone is saying, particularly if the words misdirect you.  Sometimes a kid’s dramatic behavior is more about wanting your attention and showing them you love them than it is about taking a stand and doing something stupid, like deciding to sleep out in the rain.  Kids are looking for borders and boundaries, as are most people in our lives.

We want to know what’s okay and what’s not, and that the people around us love and care about us.  Sometimes, we act out to get those needs met, and often, it’s not in the most mature or responsible way ever invented.  I think in many relationships, affairs start because people aren’t good at asking for what they need in a constructive way.  If your spouse doesn’t understand you, how about talking to them and helping them to understand you?  It’s much easier for a stranger to put up with your quirks when they don’t have to live with your toothpaste in the sink and underwear on the floor.  But at home, you are both accepted and criticized for who you are, because there’s no hiding from those closest to you.  Communicating requires being vulnerable, and sometimes hearing that you don’t always listen, or the person you’re closest to doesn’t feel heard or understood.

Take some time this next few days, and listen both to the words, but also the tone people use when talking.  Is that client really clear or indecisive about what they want?  Is your child really happy, or is there an undertone in their voice that makes you think maybe something else is going on?  Is your spouse upset because of work, or upset because they feel underappreciated at home?  What’s not said directly is often more important than the words we use, and listening, with all your attention instead of half of it, will tell you more than you thought you knew.

I know I’ve been surprised.

by Whitney Hoffman

Photo graciously provided by jemsweb, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved