Once again, dear reader, I need your advice.
Let me tell you a story. My son is about to graduate 8th grade. He is in the final stages of school, most grades having already been determined. He spends a good portion of these last days in conversations with his teachers and classmates about plans for the summer and dreams of high school.
Last Friday was a special day for the 8th-graders, a field trip to a special spot, for a day of fun. He left for school at his regular time, and I set about my morning routine. About 9:30 or so, I get a call from the attendance monitor, asking about my son. I told them he was at the special event, and they replied, “He didn’t check in to his homeroom, which he was supposed to do.”
Hmmm. Ok, so maybe they just miscounted or whatever.
But then later, right around the end of school, I called his cell phone, to ask how things went. He said he had a good time and that he was on the bus with the other kids, on the way home.
10 minutes later, to my amazement, he called back and confessed that he lied, that he wasn’t on the bus, and that he had skipped the entire thing, spending the day on his skateboard, exploring the local parks and skate-spots.
Wow.
Pause. Deep breath. Remember, at these moments, breathing is your friend.
So I waited until he came home, and I walked him outside, to a quiet spot in our backyard. I sat him down, took a seat next to him, and talked to him:
I’m ok with the hooky thing, on a personal level, because you didn’t have classes. Essentially, it’s a victimless crime. Although technically it’s a crime, called truancy. If a cop had seen you skating at 10:30 on a school morning, you might have gotten pulled over and I might have gotten a very unpleasant phone-call. So, probably not a smart thing to do - if you’re gonna play hooky, keep out of sight. Obviously playing hooky on a regular school day is really bad, but on a free day, not such a big deal, save the cops. You might have been smarter coming to me first, to ask permission. I might have said, sure, and kept you out of sight. I might not have, but I’m normally pretty cool about such things, right?
He says he understands, and that I’m making sense, and that he’s sorry he put me in an awkward situation (’cause now I have to hope that the truant officer doesn’t call, because I’d have to lie to protect my kid. Oy, what we parents do for our kids).
However, I continue, I am bummed about the lying. We have a really great relationship, based on respect, and based on trust. While I commend your confession, which I’m sure took no small amount of courage, I’m bummed you lied to me in the first place. Nothing I can do about it, it was your choice to lie. I’m not gonna freak out or yell or whatever. But I am gonna let you know that I’m sad about it, and that this is something you should consider for the future. Not just for me, but anyone you care about.
And then I wrapped it up with a movie quote, from Thief, starring James Caan and Tuesday Weld: “Lie to no one. If there ’s somebody close to you, you’ll ruin it with a lie. If they’re a stranger, who the heck are they you gotta lie to them?”
And that was it. I haven’t mentioned it further. And the question is now before you, dear reader: Did I do the right thing? Did I handle it right? Did I show too much restraint? Did I become too preachy or guilt-serving? What would you have done?
[tags]parenting, kids, children, teens, tweens, behavior, hooky, truant, truancy, lie, lying, truth, honesty, respect, relationships[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by Olivier Bareau, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
9 responses so far ↓
Whitney // Jun 18, 2007 at 6:16 am
See, with me, it’s always about the trust. “Trust is one of those things you can’t fix once it’s broken”. To my kiddos, I try to emphasize I have to be able to rely on what they say as the truth always, so I can help them out of any situation, good or bad. It goes under my heading of “health and safety rules ” not the “room-mate-consideration for others” subset of rules in the house.
Without the truth and the facts, I can’t do my job. It’s the lie that gets punished around here, not the action or inaction, per se.
I think you handled it well, and I would emphasize the “I need to have an idea where you are” thing, get a hold of you in an emergency thing, the worry thing. The kid skipping class isn’t a great thing, and the trying to get away with something- shoot, to him he feels like James Dean and Rebel Without a Cause- that situation of freedom and naughtiness had to feel pretty great. And coming clean on the issue took some serious guts as well. That has to be honored.
You know, he’s old enough to be able to read this entry and its comments, and then let you guys talk about it further. This is a tough one, Stu. You are a great Dad! Happy Belated Father’s Day!
Finn // Jun 18, 2007 at 7:02 am
It’s the lie I have the most trouble with too. But you know your son, and you know how your disappointment will affect him. I think that’s the key. My son would rather eat his own foot than hear me say I’m disappointed in him. Other kids could care less.
I think I would have done essentially the same thing in your position, especially given that he did come clean on his own.
And Happy Belated Father’s Day!
Thordora // Jun 18, 2007 at 7:25 am
Sounds about right. I adored my father, so getting busted was the WORST. of course, I couldn’t lie to him. He’s just one of those people…but he never freaked out with stuff like that-usually he would have just told me “just ask!”.
Plus, it’s the end of Grade 8, he’s likely nervous about that, and needed to feel “grown up” so to speak. I wouldn’t panic. Sounds like he’s growing up.
Slouching Mom // Jun 18, 2007 at 7:32 am
I think you did more or less what I would have done. Oh, man, I can’t wait to have an eighth-grade boy. Only four more years…
At the very least, I think it’s commendable that he confessed, not under duress, but of his own volition.
MeMoBaby // Jun 18, 2007 at 7:46 am
Thanks so much for this post - I truly enjoyed it. I am the mother of an 11 month old, so other than a stern “no” when she’s facing something dangerous, we’re not really disciplining at this point.
Originally, as I read the first part of your chat with your son, I thought that you were being too soft on him (By the way, I normally wouldn’t judge, but you asked for it.). As I read on, however, I learned that you don’t always have to be super stern and authoritative with your children to teach a lesson and establish rules and boundaries. I am impressed that your son came clean with you in the first place. That shows that he is not afraid to talk with you and that you have laid the ground work for a very open relationship. Anyway, based on the outcome, it seems like you handled this very well - and taught me some valuable parenting skills in the process! Thanks for sharing!
A.L. Hatch // Jun 18, 2007 at 8:29 am
Clearly he knew what he did was wrong. Your decision to focus on the lie, rather than the act (which he already regretted) was just right, I think.
I was a chronic class skipper my senior year of high school. I never got caught, but at the end of the last semester I got a failing grade due to my truancy and had to ‘fess up to the parents. Not a fun time, that.
They gave me the “disappointed” speech. I was essentially a very good, clean kid, so it was devastating.
I think you handled it just right.
Erica // Jun 18, 2007 at 9:37 am
Not making a big deal of it was a great move, considering (from what I hear) his behaviour and attitude is usually spot on. I think he specifically chose a day when it didn’t matter all that much on purpose, which actually demonstrates positive traits too.
I hope I can keep as level-headed as you did!
Doodaddy // Jun 18, 2007 at 9:43 am
Well, he only “lied” for 10 minutes, after all. Seems reasonable for his age.
He’s also entering a time when there will be legitimate things he doesn’t want to talk to you about. It would be great if he never lied about that stuff, but if you ask him about such things, he’ll either have to lie or give up his privacy. So I’d recommend that you stop asking at some point — let him volunteer information if he chooses.
Char // Jun 19, 2007 at 7:27 am
Wow! This is a tough one. How many of us skipped school as kids and never owned up to it? In the big scheme of things, skipping school once in a while is not the worst thing in the world, but not telling the truth is tough.
I think you handled it with a lot thoughtfulness and class. And I think this would be a great post for the contest I have going at wearyparent.com.
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