There have been many “discussions” in my house about my need to do it all. I can’t, nor do I really, do everything. But, sometimes it feels as if my main job is keeping track of each family members’ “stuff.” There is physical stuff: backpacks, baseball gloves, school supplies, keys, the state of cleanliness of various rooms. There is organizational stuff: sport’s schedules, social schedules, music schedules, church schedules, dentist appointments… And then there is emotional stuff: fatigue, joy, disappointment, anger, encouragement. With three kids, two parents, and a dog, that can be quite a lot of “stuff.” There is no way that any one person can stay on top of all of that stuff without feeling the weight of the load.
When our children are young, all the stuff is in the charge of the parents. We are responsible for their every need. As our children grow, part of our job is to teach them to gradually take charge of their stuff. Right now, with kids who are 13, 9 and 3, I am in various different stages of handing over responsibility to my kids. What I know about myself, is that sometimes I would rather do things myself, than deal with the stress that comes with teaching someone else to do the job. But, again, I cannot do all the stuff alone. And there are important skills to be learned in learning how to get your stuff together.
Somethings are easy for me to hand over. I was more than happy to show Violet how to wash the pots and pans after dinner. I am willing to not look at the kids’ bathroom more than necessary and just pick one day a week that Dash and Violet are in charge of cleaning it, as best they can. But, sometimes, my handing it over comes in a suddenly realization that I have been doing way more than I need to and that my children are capable of doing a job that helps me and the family. Just recently I realized that Dash, at nine, was more than able to put his own laundry away. Why I was still doing this for him, I do not know. Just this week, I discovered that allowing Jack Jack to pick out and put on his own clothes in the morning, makes for a much smoother morning than when I fight with him to get his clothes on. Now that the school year is two days from being over, I watched Dash and Violet make their own lunches and do it well. When next school year begins, I may quit the lunch making line up and let everyone make their own.
Handing the stuff over is not always easy for me. I have to accept that sometimes it won’t be done the way I would do it. I have to know that sometimes it might require a reminder for it to happen at all. I have to know that sometimes it might get messed up altogether and that the person in charge of taking out the dog, might not walk the dog long enough and the dog might mess in the house. But, making mistakes is part of the learning. And cleaning up after our mistakes is a part of the process. Handing over the stuff is not always easy for me, but watching my children learn new skills and see that they can be in charge of their own stuff can also be quite a relief that they really are on their way to getting their stuff together, and that my load, while not gone, will shift a bit as they continue to grow.
3 responses so far ↓
Megin Hatch // Jun 11, 2008 at 1:10 pm
This is a great reminder. Rob and I sometimes fall into the underestimating pool, too.
And sometimes I figure it’s easier and when things are hectic easy is best
Good to think about. Thanks.
angeljoy // Jun 12, 2008 at 4:58 am
It’s all about control isn’t it?
Somethings I willing and easily give over like letting the four year old dress herself no matter what that looks like.
But letting things go because hubby said he would do it and waiting for him to get around to it?
Now that’s a different story!
Jen // Jun 18, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I think knowing when to let go of the responsibility is half the battle of parenting.
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