Yesterday, I began to grieve all over again.
I watched my little girl Christina play and saw peculiar things. Little things, but as her mother, I see these things. She turned a block in her hand, over and over, and stared at it, fascinated. She waved and flapped her arms, and instead of syllables, she communicated by a set of grunts. She walked around the playplace at the Mall, over and over, in a predictable pattern. A few months ago, she would check out the different kinds of equipment: the slides, the bright sombrero hat in the middle of the area, the pink blobs of “paint” that made squishy noises if you jumped on them. Now, she stopped by them and gave each one a distracted pat, then went on her prescribed way.
Just like Michael used to do. Still does, sometimes.
I’m seeing it all over again. My maternal instincts scream at me. My head denies it, but I know. She is seventeen months old; her next appointment is next month, when she’s a year and a half. Practicality kicks in, a crisis mode that is eerily familiar: You need to document everything, everything, so when you talk to Dr. F., you have a record. I can’t do this all over again. I don’t want to do this all over again. I can’t.
When Christina was born, I hoped she would be “normal”, that she would be develop into a happy, healthy child. I hoped that she, at least, would be a “typical” child. Months ago, she showed curiosity, she climbed up and down the stairs independently, she enjoyed new experiences. Then, like a light slowly going dim, she began to show the same alarming “characteristics” that I’d seen in her brother, around the same time, except Michael was fourteen months when I started to suspect.
Just as I suspect now. My heart aches for her, for my family. For me. For the loss of my hopes.
I’m grieving all over again.
[tags]kids, parents, parenting, children, autism, characteristics, symptoms, heartache, grief[/tags]
8 responses so far ↓
Slouching Mom // Jun 28, 2007 at 9:51 am
Oh.
I am so sorry.
This really got me: “like a light slowly going dim”
That must be so incredibly hard to watch.
I hope your fears are unfounded.
autismvox // Jun 28, 2007 at 10:07 am
You know what to do—you know what to see—she will grow and flourish, though the journey will be different.
best wishes from Kristina Chew
Barb // Jun 28, 2007 at 11:21 am
Annie,
My eyes teared up as I read this. My sister also has two children with Autism. She was actually told that when there are more than one child diagnosed with Autism in a family, it might be Fragile X Syndrome. You might want to check that out. My sister has never had her children tested for this, partially because of all the emotion and work involved, and partially because there seems to be little known about it and little support (including financial, which she is extremely grateful for as it includes services that help her children).
In light,
Barb
Megin Hatch // Jun 28, 2007 at 1:38 pm
“I can’t do this all over again. I don’t want to do this all over again. I can’t.”
Oh, Annie. Despite the fact that you may have days when you want to crawl under the covers- and don’t we all- you can do this, if need be. And you can do it beautifully.
Every journey is different.
Peace-
Meg
MeMoBaby // Jun 28, 2007 at 3:57 pm
thank you so much for sharing this post. my heart really goes out to you. you provide such beautiful and honest insight into life with your children. you are in my thoughts and prayers. it is evident that you are an incredibly strong person!
Tere // Jun 28, 2007 at 5:31 pm
This makes me sad for all of you, but I have hope that (like SM said) your fears will be unfounded. And if not, that you will find the strength to face what lies ahead.
Karly Campbell // Jun 28, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Oh, this brought tears to my eyes. I hope with all my heart that your daughter will be just fine.
Nan // Jun 29, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Oh Annie! I hope all goes well for your daughter, and you. I was an art therapist in my previous life (before children) and some of the most powerful, emotional art I have ever seen was done by autistic children. Don’t despair, they are in themselves somewhere, and have so much to teach us. A bhuddist friend once told me, that these children come to special mothers for a special type of healing that they need in this lifetime. I don’t know what to believe, but its nice to think… That they go into their next lifetime healed of past hurts? Something like that. Best wishes, hugs for you.
Leave a Comment