There’s been a lot of uproar from a lot of parents concerning the release of the video game Grand Theft Auto. And for the folks who are reading this column who object to sexism and violence prima facie, I’m ok with that. I respect taking a blanket stand on anything that displays sexism or racism or violence. So, you folks, you are free to go.
However, the rest of you who understand that violent video games have an effect on children and, therefore, believe that the only alternative is that the games in question should be banned, allow me my say: I disagree.
Video games are not only classified in the same way as motion pictures, they are also examined extensively on the internet. So it’s pretty easy to make an informed decision as to which games you’ll allow your kid to play. If a game is clearly labeled “M” for “Mature,” it seems that a rational parent would take that as a big hint when they are out shopping for their kids’ games. And if the classification labeling on games seems fuzzy, the internet will most assuredly provide additional info for you to study.
I have read the same studies and APA articles that have undoubtedly befell your eyes. And I get it, kids who play violent video games become more aggressive. But games like Grand Theft Auto are specifically made for adults, just like the novels of Phillip Roth and Bret Easton Ellis and Chuck Palahniuk and Erica Jong. We wouldn’t call for their novels to be banned, ’cause, y’know, the Constitution and all. But video games seem to be treated differently, as kids aren’t falling over themselves trying to get their mitts on Portnoy’s Complaint.
So, where does this leave us? My opinion: Active Parenting.
I have two kids, a 12 (going on 40) year-old girl and a 16 year-old boy. While my daughter’s taste in video games doesn’t extend much beyond the subject of pet-care or puzzles, my son enjoys a variety of games on a variety of platforms. His favorites include driving games, but nothing more violent than that.
Except World Of Warcraft.
I played Dungeons And Dragons when I was an adolescent, as well as a post-adolescent. When I was hipped to WoW, I fell in love with it, fell hard. So it seemed reasonable that my son would take an interest. And when I considered all the ramifications, I felt that our parenting would, in the end, leave more of an impression on him than the violence he would encounter within the online game. So I let him give it a try and he, too, fell hard.
And yet he is still an intensely non-violent person, both in thought and in deed. The other day, during a soccer match, a player on the other team took a solid hit. Without blinking, my son ran to the hurt kid and helped him, checking him to make sure he was ok, empathizing with him over the pain of injury. My kid understands that there is a Grand Canyon of a difference between killing a monster in a video game and caring for a fellow human in real life.
And that’s because we take our roles as parents seriously. We talk a lot about morality at our house. We certainly let the kids make their own decisions, but we don’t do it idly. We investigate, we discuss, we provide talking points and alternative theories and concepts. It’s not difficult to do, and it provides our kids with both a moral foundation and a sense of independence, of self-confidence.
So I offer this opinion - Banning is an easy way out, and it is a very slippery slope. If you find yourself providing a level of protection for your child that causes you to question your own behavior, take a moment to consider an alternative. Consider *not* protecting them, and, instead, consider teaching them the way you would want to be taught - with respect, dignity, and trust.
…just a thought…
by Stu Mark
Photo graciously provided by recompose, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
[tags]aggression, aggressive, behavior, censorship, children, Grand Theft Auto, kids, Parenting, parents, personal responsibility, social, society, video games, violence[/tags]
17 responses so far ↓
Debbie // May 5, 2008 at 7:28 am
I love the title of this piece, and I love the sensibility of the contents. Hear, hear! for parents who believe that teaching a child is better than depriving them of a learning opportunity.
jon // May 5, 2008 at 9:56 am
interesting, as I read.
“If you find yourself providing a level of protection for your child that causes you to question your own behavior…”
I’m not sure how you wrote it, but how I read it was, “If you ban something for your child and then wonder why you’re doing it yourself…”
That has happened in my parenting, as I reserved the right to something for myself, I had to think, “If it’s unhealthy for our children, isn’t it possibly unhealthy for me?”
Thinking, reflecting, considering, weighing. Wonderful ways to help kids learn to be rounded and grounded adults.
thanks, Stu
Stu Mark // May 5, 2008 at 9:59 am
Debbie,
Thanks - Yeah, I’m in favor of risky learning experiences over keeping a child completely in the dark.
Stu Mark // May 5, 2008 at 10:01 am
Jon,
Thanks - glad to initiate any thinking. As for my phrase, what I meant was - If you do something to your child (or in the name of your child) and then later question whether you did the right thing, consider going the other way - take a calculated risk and see how your child handles it.
Cheryl in Sacramento // May 5, 2008 at 10:31 am
A voice of reason. Hear hear! I’m always thrilled when I hear of parents taking an active roll.
Ginger // May 5, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Stu — posted this on your blogspot — meant to post here (now we’re “pimping” our comments, too?
I found your column thought-inspiring, b/c I have a 12-year-old son (going on 20 — still younger than your daughter)and the media conflicts we typically have revolve around horror movies. My son has loved horror stories, movies, Stephen King, the classics (Swamp Monster, etc.) since he was old enough to hold the remote. I, myself, am a horror fan fanatic so, like you say in your post, it seems to me that maybe there’s this genetic component (or they watch that stuff in the womb, who knows?) Anyway, sometimes the vampire-werewolf-underground zombies movies come with a bit of, uh, R-rated stuff; like biting on the neck isn’t all their up to. So we have a lot of conversations about context; what’s real in a relationship and what isn’t; we use a good bit of humor and a lot of examples of acceptable behavior and attitudes. We don’t judge other parents and their rules, and when kids sleep over who aren’t allowed to watch we abide without a word (we still love Disney and Pixar, too — and have you seen Iron Man? Wonderful. So there’s plenty to watch, huh?) Anyway, I think you are dead-on in that banning has its own repercussions and can’t be the fall back - where would we be? Actively taking a position, being confident in your values, and even being willing to change your position in a way that your kids may call “unfair” (my son does not have carte blanche about these movies — he will have to watch Last House on the Left with his wife; I’m not allowing it any time soon!) that’s a much more difficult but ultimately more connecting way to parent. I loved your thoughts (and I really liked the titlel). Thanks for continuing to hit on these topics.
Angela Goff // May 5, 2008 at 9:59 pm
I loved this post. Especially the last sentence, “Consider *not* protecting them, and, instead, consider teaching them the way you would want to be taught - with respect, dignity, and trust.” I have been wishing for years that I could hear more of this kind of treatment of young people. Kudos to you, and your young charges must be very blessed to have a parent like you.
Dave Mark // May 6, 2008 at 8:25 am
Stu,
A brilliant piece. Agree wholeheartedly. Active parenting makes all the difference in the world. You are one terrific writer, bro…
Dave
Stu Mark // May 6, 2008 at 8:38 am
Cheryl,
Thanks, I sincerely appreciate your words - I think, in the end, that reason should always carry the day.
Stu Mark // May 6, 2008 at 8:50 am
Ginger,
Thanks for the comment. I hear you about the movies (although my kids’ father lets them watch whatever they want - he even takes them to R rated films - nothing to be done, because we have a solid relationship with him and we want to keep the peace in Dodge. If he were more open to parental feedback, it would be a different story, but he has his life wired tight and is not open to most things). We watch what the kids watch, making sure not to overtly censor anything that is reasonable, although we do discuss a lot of the borderline issues - and certainly any film that shows a moral dilemma. The kids are pretty good about those conversations, especially as we preach a “there are no right or wrong answers” to them. Respecting their opinions makes it easier to get their buy-in when we make a firm request for them to watch something else. I totally hear you on films like Last House On The Left. I appreciate the genre that Wes Craven has contributed to, although I prefer films by Miike, as I find his horror to be beautifully crafted, full of symbolism and poetry. I wouldn’t let my kids watch them, as they are clearly made for adults, but I wouldn’t let my kids smoke or drink alcohol either. But if my 12 year-old were into horror films (which she’s not), I’d let her watch The Exorcist - an exceptional film rich with discussion points.
My kids accuse me of being unfair, which is fine, ’cause I get where they are coming from. However, when they do, I say to them, “I think the word you are looking for is ‘unpopular’ or ‘unappreciated,’ not ‘unfair’” - this seems to help them see the difference, which I think will help them become more rational adults. Changing lanes without signaling may be called “unfair,” but traffic is “unpopular.”
Stu Mark // May 6, 2008 at 8:53 am
Angela,
Thanks! I don’t know if my kids are blessed because of our parenting, although I do see that they are luckier than most. And they seem to have some sense of that, and when they get out into the real world and hear the horror stories for themselves, my bet is that they’ll really appreciate their childhood and how my wife and I ran the house.
Stu Mark // May 6, 2008 at 8:56 am
Dave,
Thanks, my brother. I am a big fan of active parenting. Not helicopter parenting, but active, aware, alert parenting. You certainly taught me to let my kids make their own decisions and to let them stumble once in a while, so that they learn to think for themselves. But you also taught me to be there for them, to walk them through their more difficult decisions, to help them see all the angles before they make their play. Thanks for that.
Angela Goff // May 6, 2008 at 11:28 am
I really enjoy this site so I have added your link to my blog. Thanks!
AmyL // May 6, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Stu, count me in as another saying “here, here”. For our part, I sincerely doubt Grand Theft Auto would ever darken the doorstep but we play Guild Wars (in the vein of WoW, for the unfamiliar reader) and let the boys watch. We’ve even used it as an incentive to improve reading skills, telling the older boys that when they’re reading well enough to keep up with the game they can have their own characters to play.
I mentally picture the messages kids get from various media as burdens and consider whether or not they’re strong enough to carry them. If not we’re clear about it and try to provide interesting alternatives until such time as it’s more appropriate. Horror for instance. I can’t watch any of that when the boys are around because they’re prone to nightmares. No problem, and if we’re watching anything that might be upsetting after bedtime it’s common to get up off the couch and check to see that everyone’s in bed. For now, the boys need us to shield their eyes. The Guild Wars with its more cartoon look and lack of blood or screaming doesn’t bother them, so we go ahead and allow that.
Parents are gatekeepers. The ones who do their jobs well wind up with kids who can carry the burden of what the world throws their way without injury.
Ginger // May 7, 2008 at 7:52 am
Ahh, Stu, thanks for the differentition between “unfair” and other choices! I’ll have to remember that. And, well, my son has indeed seen Exorcist and we’ve regaled him with the urban legends of the 70s when it was released! I do make my son promise he will NOT grow up to be an axe-murderer (the eye rolling tells me just what you’ve said: they know the difference between fantasy and reality, between violence in the media and compassion in their own world…) Thanks again! BTW, I really appreciate all the comments here … I wish we could create more of a “forum” or online community on GNMParents so we can see/share even more… I’ll have to think that one through…
Sharon // May 16, 2008 at 10:34 pm
This was a very well written blog entry. It include enough common sense with practical thinking and I applaud your adding this to the Internet. Thank you. (I added you to Stumbleupon.com)
Dariush // Jun 3, 2008 at 11:55 pm
I liked this. It’s a good topic, well-thought out writing and solid reasoning. More like this!
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