Homework – The Supervision Of A Teenager

November 24th, 2008 by Stu Mark · 16 Comments

My son is sixteen years old, and I try to give him as much leeway as possible. I do my best to give him the opportunities to try out different methods of living, letting him make mistakes, hoping he learns.

But I recently ran into a situation that had me compelled to take action, to rein him in:

His father shares custody with our kids and has a place nearby. My son discovered that his dad’s house was closer to his school than our house. So when his books became too heavy to lug all the way to our house, he’d just go to his dad’s house to do his homework, even on day’s when he was to spend the night with us. I was ok with this, as I feel he’s old enough to make these decisions. Except… When he goes to his dad’s house, there’s no one there – so the homework wasn’t getting done, or it was getting done while the tv was on.

I let this happen for a bit, to give him time to straighten it out himself. But after a week of goofing off at his dad’s house and then staying up super-late doing homework at our house, I stepped in. From now on, I drive him to school and pick him up after, so he has no excuse but to bring his books to our house, where I can keep an eye on him and make sure he does his homework without the tv.

It’s a tough call – I could let him take his chosen course, but high school is a one-shot deal. Even one bad semester is enough to bring his GPA down to a level that would hamper college admissions. And yet bringing him back under my watchful eye has its own downsides – Will it hamper his ability to be independent? Additionally there’s the stress of the conversation – “You don’t have to tell me to do my homework!” “Well, I kinda do, ’cause if I don’t, the homework doesn’t get done.” “Yeah, but…” Not a great conversation.

Anyway, that’s the way it’s shaking it out on my end. Feel free to point and laugh, or offer helpful suggestions, or polite empathy, or a recipe for brownies.

by Stu Mark

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16 responses so far ↓

Cecily T // Nov 24, 2008 at 7:59 am

Well, mine is 16 months and not 16 years, so I have little advice from the parent-child side, but as a teacher, I’m glad that you are doing this. You are right that one semester can have an impact, not to mention if the way his school ‘tracks’ students into next year’s classes is affected by this year’s grades. I know some schools run classes that are only one semester long as well.

One idea…maybe you don’t have to tell him to do his homework while he’s at your house. If he knows already that you are going out of your way to pick him up for this express purpose, then maybe he’ll take the hint. And if he was doing the homework just fine before the whole unsupervised time at the other house, maybe he’ll go right back to it. It could also just be a time management thing…he thinks he’ll just watch a little TV, or whatnot, and he doesn’t have good control over turning it off and getting down to business.

Here’s my favorite brownie recipe (a tad time-consuming compared to a box, but definitely worth it!):

Triple Chocolate Brownies

BROWNIES

1 cup butter
4 ounces unsweetened chocolate
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
1.5 cups of all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (6 ounces)

GANACHE

.75 cup heavy whipping cream
8 ounces of semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tablespoon butter

BROWNIES

1. Preheat oven to 350.

2. Prepare 9×13 baking pan. Grease baking pan with butter or cooking spray. Lay parchment over bottom and allow to overlap 2 sides (by a lot). Grease parchment.

3. Melt butter in LARGE saucepan (5 quart) over very low heat (1). Add unsweetened chocolate, and stir until chocolate is melted.

4. Remove from heat, mix in sugar, add eggs and vanilla. Stir until incorporated.

5. In a separate bowl, combine flour, baking soda, and salt.

6. Stir flour mixture into chocolate mixture until flour is just mixed in.

7. Stir in semi-sweet chocolate chips (can use 4 ounces).

8. Spread mixture in prepared pan. Bake 30-35 minutes, just until brownies begin to pull away from pan.

9. Let sit 2-3 minutes. Remove from pan and cool completely on rack.

10. When brownies are cool, prepare ganache.

GANACHE

1. Over low heat (3 or 4) in medium saucepan, bring heavy cream to a boil.

2. Remove from heat, and add 8 ounces of chocolate chips, a pinch of salt, and a tablespoon of butter, and a tsp. of vanilla.

3. Let sit to melt chocolate, and stir until smooth.

4. Let mixture cool and thicken, stirring occasionally, for about 15-20 minutes.

5. Spread chocolate ganache over completely cooled brownies.

6. Let ganache cool before cutting.
Megin Hatch // Nov 24, 2008 at 8:08 am

Mmmm… brownies.

Sometimes allowing for natural consequences isn’t the best approach to take. 16 year olds aren’t meant to be totally independent. If you allow lots of opportunity to flex the independence muscle (and it seems you do) then it’s good to balance it with some simple expectations- like doing homework responsibly.

Seems like you’re spot on here.

I believe.
Stu Mark // Nov 24, 2008 at 8:12 am

Cecily – first, great recipe – you rock!

second – I hear you on the hint, but he’s not hint-oriented – I had to have another conversation with him about homework last night: I let him do what he wanted this weekend, reminding him of his homework, but not making it an issue. Then Sunday night came and, sure enough, homework was not done. So I had to sit him down and explain the concept of quality vs. last-minute. – He’s a good kid, he’s just got a normal amount of aversion to homework. :-\
Stu Mark // Nov 24, 2008 at 8:15 am

Megin – Yeah, natural consequences is a good parenting model for some things (like tying your shoelaces) but, yeah, sometimes it’s not something that works, especially on the more long-term consequences of poor performance in high school. I find that this is the toughest hurdle with my teens – maybe you’ll have better luck when your kids hit that era. – As for the balance, that’s something that *never* gets easier – it can be achieved, but never with ease.
Thimbelle // Nov 24, 2008 at 10:25 am

Sorry – my reply would have been here minutes ago, but I got distracted by the recipe for the brownies, and then I had to clean up from all the drooling. Not to mention that there was a brief, frantic search for chocolate…

All right. Back to the problem at hand. First of all, Twinks has always known that we consider school to be her number one job – and that her job isn’t done for the day until all of her homework is. Big projects are broken down on the calendar, and each part that is scheduled for that day must be completed as well.

Does it always work? Well, mostly. It’s hard, though – between friends calling on the house phone, her cell phone, text messages, and emails, (we don’t allow IM; we feel she has enough distractions as it is) and now her “boyfriend” there are days when it seems like she’s doing everything BUT schoolwork. But it does (eventually) get done.

We just recently had to talk with Twinks about all of this again; she had started to slip a little, and we decided to be proactive, and address things before they slid too far. We pointed out to her that her “job” is still to go to school, and make the best grades that she can. We told her that we will allow her to have the after-school calls and messages, as long as she continues to perform. And we also told her that we don’t like being the bad guys – and that she controls that as well. When she indicated disbelief at that last statement, we simply told her the truth… Get your homework done – and done well. Do well on your tests and projects, keep your grades up, and WE WON’T BE ON YOUR CASE ABOUT THIS STUFF. So, you DO control our behavior. You do well, we shut up!

Suddenly, she realized that she did have the power to affect our behavior. And so far, it is working…

I remember being a teenager, and feeling frustrated, because I felt like I had not control over so many things in my life. We are trying to give Twinks some control – but safely, while she is still under our roof, where she can learn in a controlled enviornment.

Does that make sense?

(Off to find more chocolate…)
Thimbelle // Nov 24, 2008 at 10:27 am

PS: I have a great (old) recipe for Blondies, if you want that. They are much more popular at our house than Brownies!
STL Mom // Nov 24, 2008 at 11:28 am

Mmm, brownies….what was this post about again?
Oh, yeah, homework. I try to remind myself that the hardest part isn’t doing the homework – it’s organizing yourself and your time so you sit down and get it done. I have to help with the hard part, so my daughter can do the easier part.
I have to admit, though, I cringe to think that I’ll still be homework police eight years from now. I’m already sick of it!
p.s. The King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking cookbook has an awesome whole-wheat brownie recipe.
Nan // Nov 24, 2008 at 2:37 pm

OOOH, Blondies recipe, yes please!

I, too, have been having homework issues (son went and pitched a tent in the yard, and vowed never to come home) so I’m really here to listen in and see if there’s any more advice I can get.

Oh and the recipes of course!
Thimbelle // Nov 24, 2008 at 3:36 pm

My Aunt Ellen’s recipe…. These are RICH and yummy, and have about a million-zillion calories each, and they are SO worth it!

AUNT ELLEN’S BLONDIES

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Grease a 9 x 13 pan.

- 2/3 cup Crisco Butter-flavor Shortening
- 1 pound Brown Sugar (you can use dark brown, or light brown)
- 3 large eggs (allow to come to room temp)
- 2 & 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 & 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- 1 teaspoon almond extract (optional, but recommended!)
- 1 cup finely chopped pecans or walnuts (optional, but recommended!)
- 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 1 cup butterscotch chips

In a large bowl, cream the shortening and brown sugar well.

Add the eggs, vanilla and (optional) almond extract, and mix well.

Add the baking powder and the salt, and mix well again.

Fold in the nuts (if desired) and the chocolate and butterscotch chips.

Finally, add the flour, roughly in thirds. This batter will be VERY thick by the time you get all of the flour folded in.

Press into the greased 9 x 13 pan, and bake at 350 degrees for 25 to 30 minutes.

Allow to cool, and cut into bars.

Enjoy!
Stu Mark // Nov 24, 2008 at 4:22 pm

Nan – advice gets harder to give as the kids get older. That said, my son is 16 and my daughter is 13 and I find that one way to bring them back into the family center is to validate with sincerity and enthusiasm. For me, validation seems to make a lot of the bitter pills easier to swallow.
Sue Blaney // Nov 24, 2008 at 4:38 pm

Great discussion about a hard topic! (love the intermittent recipe sharing…even a hard topic like this goes down more easily with that spoonful of sugar :>) . There might be a role for the school here; perhaps the guidance counselor could strategize with you, or you might look into a peer support group for your son …just a couple of ideas. Believe me, I know there are no EASY or OBVIOUS solutions to this. (been here myself.) Sounds like you are on the right track, though. Here are a few other ideas:
http://tinyurl.com/6pt3vt
Stu Mark // Nov 24, 2008 at 4:44 pm

Let me add something else, which will possibly be my essay for next week – the kids get WAY too much homework. My son is a sophomore and carries a full load of classes that include several honors/AP courses. His homework ends up, on average, to be four to six hours a night. I think that it’s absolutely crazy – I empathize with him when he bitches about his homework – I would too.
Nan // Nov 24, 2008 at 6:16 pm

Yes… Validate, validate, validate. It works. Sometimes all they need is to hear “Man, this is hard for you” and they can do a big sigh and get back to it. But other times….
Nan // Nov 24, 2008 at 6:39 pm

Other times you need brownies!
Debbie Blicher // Nov 24, 2008 at 8:27 pm

LOL! I agree that we need delicious distractions sometimes.

Now, my own kids are 4 and 5, so maybe my two cents are worth nothing. But what do y’all think of approaching the homework issue as a problem of too-delayed consequences? Like, say, sticking to a diet? The consequence “I want to get into the college of my choice” might just be too far away to motivate a student NOW. Like “I want to have lost 20 pounds” is a poor motivator when there’s a plate of brownies in front of me.

How to motivate one’s teenage child, I’m not sure. I was motivated by the thought that, if I didn’t keep my grades up, I wouldn’t be allowed to do all the extracurricular stuff I loved. This struck me as a natural and sensible consequence, but only because I’d been brought up to believe in “work before play” and “school is my job,” two lessons we’re trying to instill in our kids now.

As for the amount of homework–I was raised to value a good night’s sleep, perhaps more than most because I manifested an allergy to most antibiotics when I was very young. So I learned to work smart rather than long, which sometimes meant sitting in the back of some of my classes and catching up on work for some of my others. I have little advice for today’s high schoolers except not to be afraid to keep parents informed of the load. Maybe parents can gang up on teachers who assign too much time-consuming busywork.
Laura // Nov 26, 2008 at 7:52 am

Boy, can I relate. I have a smart 13-year-old boy, who is so disorganized he regularly misses assignments, forgets to turn stuff in, etc. I used to work full-time (until just a month ago) and it was nigh impossible to make sure his homework got done. He outright lied much of the time.

We are now in a mode where as long as he gets his work done, he can do stuff–like play video games, play with friends, etc. We do this on a weekly basis. So, he’s grounded this week because he missed an assignment last week. We don’t know yet about this week because we haven’t seen the report yet.

I agree about the amount of homework. I asked his teachers once how much time he should be spending. They said 1.5-2 hours/night. Sometimes that’s true, but sometimes it’s twice that. And when I was working and didn’t get him started on homework until after dinner, it completely ruined any opportunities for family time after dinner.