We’ve spent some time on vacation this summer visiting relatives, and doing group vacation stuff. Issues have come up from time to time about who pays for what, and it causes some awkward moments, so I thought I’d open this up to the GNM Parents readers to discuss.
In Dan Ariely’s book (and blog) Predictably Irrational, he talks about the conflict between social contracts and economic contracts in our lives. For example, when we go out to dinner, we expect to pay, in money, for the food and service. If you go to your mom’s for Thanksgiving, however, and offer to “pay the tab” at the end of the meal, all sorts of chaos and hurt feelings will ensue. So how does this work out if you share a beach house with relatives, or take your niece and nephew to a theme park?
This summer, I went on vacation with “my” family- we rented a house in a popular vacation spot for a week. We split the cost up front- no problem. We organized who was bringing what in advance. But the exchange of purchases for everything from groceries, to meals out, to tickets for things like whale watches got a bit trickier. Is one person treating, or do they expect to be paid back? When is offering to pay appropriate, and when is it not? What happens if I have my two children with me (three people, but two eating at a lesser fee) my mom, my sister, and my brother are all at an expensive restaurant and we are trying to split the bill “equally” three ways? Is this still fair when some people are eating a ton of seafood (expensive) versus others choosing dogs and fries?
What about taking other kid relatives to a theme park? We don’t see the “cousins” regularly, so it’s a real pleasure to take them and have a great day. But theme parks are expensive. When my sister in law offered to give us some money to cover the expenses of the day, it felt awkward. Treating felt good and loving; the money is return is fine and reasonable, but does it diminish the joy in spoiling your niece and nephew? Why does it feel weird?
Dan Ariely says all of these situations feel weird because we are fundamentally mixing the social contract (doing for others without thought of expense as part of a care taking or familial role) with an economic contract (making sure things are paid for, and that any one party does not feel economically put upon or that things are unfair).
Even though I understand the “why” things feels odd, I don’t seem to have figured out a way to make this any better. I tend to opt for the “offer once or twice” rule to contribute or pay, and then let someone who is insistent pay if they want to. Long arguments over the bill get ugly. I would also rather contribute more than I think I owe in these situations, to make sure tax and tip are covered, than anyone feel like they are coming up short in any way.
How do you handle these situations? How do you keep the social and economic contracts separate in your family?
Photo graciously provided through the Fair Use doctrine, some rights reserved
Da
1 response so far ↓
STL Mom // Aug 22, 2008 at 5:41 am
Oh, this can be so tricky!
It is akward for everyone. If you have less money, you don’t want to feel like you are getting handouts or taking advantage of wealthier relatives.
If you have more money, you want to help but you don’t want your relatives to feel like they are receiving your charity.
Is splitting things equally “fair” if the people who have more available funds pay the same as the people who have to sacrifice to be at the same event?
And of course, no one wants to talk about who has more or less money, so all of this is carefully negotiated while dancing around the real reasons people get emotional about this.
I’ll have to check out Ariely’s book and blog - it sounds very interesting.
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