We just got back from a week with family in a rented beach house. Sounds like a great summer vacation, right? A lot of the vacation was wonderful, but other parts of it transported me back to my own childhood in ways I’d rather not have been reminded.
I came to realize just how much my parenting differs from the parenting I received as a child. How I make different choices for my kids. The one area that was most obvious was about emotional honesty.
I grew up in a home where the subtext of what was really going on was far more rich that the words actually spoken. I saw my mom as a strong woman. But now, I realize that underneath that outward strength and aggressiveness is a very fearful person.
My oldest son and my Mom had some disagreements over the trip. My Mom snapped at James and hurt his feelings over something stupid; and I encouraged James to talk to Grandma about it and tell her how he felt. This left my Mom feeling devastated and hurt; as she told me about what James said to her, she began to cry. (It was a respectful disagreement, actually, no bad words or inappropriate language.) I tried to explain to her what she sounded like to me when she snapped at him; how this hurt him, and how I encouraged him to work it out with her himself. I told her they needed to forge their own relationship, and this required talking to each other, not me mediating between them. Mom then continued to cry for a few moments, and turned away, refusing to talk about it any more with me.
This brought me right back to so many incidents in my life with my family. Moments where when there was a choice between being open and honest with feelings and perceptions, or we could sweep things under the rug- Mom would always choose avoidance. And this sense of never being able to ask questions and get an honest answer…..feeling shut off from the truth…feeling shut off from the bond you create when you share both joy and pain- this is the emotional hurt I carry with me from my childhood, and it’s what I avoid doing as much as possible with my own kids.
As a parent, I’ve decided I need to be honest and open with my kids as much as possible. When they are upset with someone, and ask for advice, I encourage them to talk to their friends, their Dad, or with whomever they are having a conflict. I can’t mend their relationships for them. While I can ease the way for the talking to take place, and can mediate disputes, it’s only by facing their problems and talking about them that they’ll be able to repair hurts and move on.
This isn’t an easy skill to learn. I feel I’ve been learning it all my life, and have to continue to work on being honest and straightforward even when there’s bad news to be delivered. This is the heart of courage and cohones- the ability to face the tough stuff in the eye and say- “Whatever happens, I will come through this for the better, and with more self-respect for having faced up to a challenge rather than avoid it.”
This is also what causes my disdain for the passive aggressive- those that say one thing, but mean another; those that hide their true feelings with a veil of “Sure, whatever…” when that is definitely not the case. I hated feeling like I never understood what was going on in my family growing up, and that was because on the surface, everything was painted as a perfect, serene picture. Underneath the surface, there was a lot of unhappiness. I did not feel protected by not knowing this- I felt lied to, once I really figured out what was going on.
So I hope, in the end, encouraging my kids to be emotionally honest will help make their relationship with others stronger. I hope it means there is very little guessing to how each of us is feeling. We’ll find out, eventually, whether this is a better approach or not, once my kids start to have close emotional relationships with the opposite sex as they get a little older. For know, I know that I feel better facing up to our problems rather than hiding them, hoping they’ll disappear.
[tags]kids, children, parents, parenting, relationships, grandparents, grandmother, grandfather, emotions, emotional avoidance, distance, love, communication[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by RVC77, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
10 responses so far ↓
Wacky Mommy // Aug 1, 2007 at 7:42 am
That is some sound advice. Your kids are fortunate, and you are, too.
Whitney // Aug 1, 2007 at 9:02 am
Thanks, Mommy.
I just have gotten tired of being scared about other people’s feelings, or judging the worth of what I’m doing by whether someone else will appreciate it or how it makes them feel- something I have no control over whatsoever.
Giving up the battle to control the feelings of others has freed me tremendously, but it wasn’t easy. It makes you understand the trite sayings you hear, like “Let go and Let God”- ultimately, I think happiness comes from giving up trying to exercise control over that which you simply cannot. And this is coming from someone who is a control junkie at heart- we’re talking stangle holds over the small stuff, here, especially when I have no grasp on bigger issues and feel afloat in a sea of no answers and unsureity (Is that even a word??)
Thank you so much for your comment- it means the world to me.
Whit
Finn // Aug 1, 2007 at 10:07 am
You are so doing the right thing with your kids. Emotional honesty is so important in life. It will go a long way to making them happier in their relationships later in life. Plus they’ll never have to wonder where they stand with or most people.
Good job.
Nan // Aug 1, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Your kids will soon learn that “some people” live like that. Mine did, and sometimes when we are with family and there is an undercurrent of tension, we give each other a look or a wink which means “what gives, mom?” or “we’ll need to discuss this later.” kids need to realise that first, you can’t always teach an old dog new tricks. And secondly, you will meet people like that everywhere. My kids talk about feelings, but they know NEVER to do it around grandma! It will certainly be taken the wrong way!
Whitney Hoffman // Aug 1, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Thanks, Finn and Nan. It’s all about helping your kids “customize” their expectations with different people, but knowing that being honest and open with your own feelings is the most important thing of all.
I hate those moments when you can cut the tension in the air with a compund miter saw. Gives me an ulcer. I never want my kids to feel that way. yuck.
Carrie // Aug 2, 2007 at 12:28 am
I admire your enthusiasm. When I have a problem, I usually don’t deal with it for a moment. True, honesty is a good thing. It’s better to let it out, than to keep it for ourselves.
Danni // Aug 5, 2007 at 7:46 pm
The truth is always important in family relationship. But some people are just like that and it’s better to go with the flow than to oppose them. It could be worse if they can’t do what they believe.
Larry // Aug 8, 2007 at 2:01 am
It’s nice that your son and mother are doing fine. Conflicts are normal in relationships and I really admire people who knows how to clear the problem.
Lisa // Aug 8, 2007 at 2:02 am
It’s nice that your son and mother are doing fine. Conflicts are normal in relationships and I really admire people who knows how to clear the problem.
Whitney // Aug 8, 2007 at 4:01 am
I think you just have to be honest with others about how you feel, and feel safe and brave enough to do that. It’s hard to be vulnerable to others, but I always feel so much better having been honest and open rather than scared and perhaps avoided a situatin i should have just dealt with honestly at an earlier time. It’s taken a long time to learn those lessons- hopefully the kids are learning them much earlier that I did.
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