This past weekend we had a birthday celebration for my twin girls, they turned four on Monday. To tell the truth, the weekend went much better than I expected but it was not without normal family drama. My dad flew in from Colorado and it was wonderful for him to spend some real quality time with my daughters. My mom lives just a few miles from us so she was around too. Thankfully, my divorced parents like each other enough that we can all have a good time together.
It’s the in-laws where the family issues stem. Shortly after my husband and I married my relationship with the in-laws went from good to horrible, not just bad, horrible. During our infertility it got worse. Then after my daughters were born it was almost unreal how ugly we all became toward each other. After counseling sessions, time and effort on all of our parts I can honestly say I have a decent, if not friendly, relationship with my in-laws.
So, the drama… My sister in-law has been living with her boyfriend for about 10 months. The parents don’t seem to like him much and he knows it. Because of this, my SIL and her boyfriend made themselves scarce during the weekend festivities. Not the best way to bond with the possible future in-laws. In addition, he fell asleep on our couch - again, not scoring any points with the family. There was some drama with regard to how many events they (SIL and boyfriend) were going to attend and where the in-laws were going to stay, a blog post for another time (normally they stay with us, but my dad got first dibs since he traveled farther and stayed longer). They did end up attending more events than they had originally planned, but you could tell everyone was on pins and needles. I must say that it was nice to have the focus off of me and onto someone else - sorry buddy.
The point of this post is really a question - why is it that in-law relationships are so challenging? Why do the parents of the adult children dislike their child’s partner? They, the parents, made the decision about who they wanted to spend their lives with so why can’t everyone get along?
Families only get together a few times a year. So, as the holiday season nears, I ask you to keep in mind that it should be all about the children. If you don’t like your in-laws or even your own family members I offer this advice that my counselor provided to me, “Go along, to get along.” I promise you’ll be glad you did.
by Kelly Damron
Thanks to Incurable Hippie for the photo, used under creative commons license.
4 responses so far ↓
Sarah // Oct 10, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Oh dear … I don’t have an answer to why adults can’t get along, but I too have drama, drama, drama with the in-laws. It is bad enough that we have considered moving away from the “problem” family to save the heartache. I would love to hear tips if anyone else has overcome their problems!
Whitney Hoffman // Oct 11, 2008 at 5:34 am
It’s funny. My husband’s folks are divorced; I am very close to my MIL, I have a cordial relationship with my FIL & SNIL- It’s my mom that can be the problem.
How does your husband feel about the problems with his folks? Can he talk to them about it- about lightening up or being more accepting?
In the end, we’ve decided that sometimes, I’ll take the kids and see my folks alone, and not feel like I have to drag my husband in tow like my trophy. When I do that, he is miserable, and that makes me all tense and miserable too. Now, when all of us do get together, like when my mom comes down for the holidays, everyone gets along so much better- because the sense of forced time together is gone. And it’s also made it easier for me to take the kids alone to his parents, without feeling guilty or weird (and that requires a solo plane ride)
Also remember to know what you add to the stress and see if there’s ways you can help be more accepting and accommodating to their needs. You can only control your actions and how you feel, but others feed off of those emotions.
It may feel like sucking up, but I think the goal is to have your children feel family is a warm, soft landing place where people love you unconditionally, not a battleground where the people who are supposed to love you and accept you for who you are are the first people lining up to critique you and make you feel small.
Don’t expect instant miracles, but the more you lead with the relationship you want to have, the more liekly you are to get it.
Anita B // Oct 11, 2008 at 7:18 am
My mom is also the problem. I actually do the same thing as the above poster-I will go visit my parents alone or with my son and not bring my husband along. I feel that it’s just not fair to my dh to put him through all that. I also went through extensive counseling learning how to deal with my family, but it was one sided because they would NEVER agree to anything, let alone admit they were the problem. DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA! Anyway, good luck with your family challenges. It’s actually good that they are trying to work on things as well-my sister once told my mom that she created drama and my mom disowned her for a couple of years!
Kelly D // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:33 am
Sarah, the best advice I can give you is to accept that the in-laws are the way they are. Moving away from the problem is only a temporary solution. I’ve found that by accepting them as who they are and where we all fit in to each others lives was the best way for me to manage our relationship.
For years I wanted to be loved by my in-laws, but realized they couldn’t offer me what I needed to I had to reevaluate our relationship and figure out what I needed to change in my mind/heart about our relationship and once I did that it became so easy to move on and get along.
Also, I make everything about our kids and exclude my life or my marriage to their son from all conversations.
Good luck!
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