We’re weird parents,
I concede it.
We don’t dictate, we request. We don’t demand, we put it to a vote. We don’t insist, we explain. It’s all part of our attempt to run the family through consensus-building.
Sure, it’s tempting to run the family through dictatorial means. Fascism would have it’s up-side. Even a benevolent monarchy would be fun. But in the end, we parent through consensus-building. In other words, unless there’s an emergency, every rule in our house is agreed upon by parents and children alike, before it is enacted.
Some rules are easy to set: No hitting, no yelling, etc. We, my wife and I, present them to the kids as, “This is the rule we’re proposing. We think it makes sense, how ’bout you?” The kids invariably nod in agreement. What kid wouldn’t support “No hitting” as a rule?
Some rules require some explanation: Do your best in school. Help out when someone needs help. Don’t litter.
But in the end, we don’t *demand* that they don’t litter. We don’t *forbid* it. We discuss it. We make a plea for not littering. And they decide, of their own free will, not to litter.
My point here is, it really works for us. It may not work for everyone, but it works for us.
And, no, not 100% of the time. Every once in a blue moon, there’s an open rebellion. And Team Grownup-Parents needs to put down the rebellion. But we do it with regret. There’s a part of us that roots for them to win. We listen to them. We give them every opportunity to win. But if what they want is “No Bed Time,” well, I’m sorry, but that’s just not going to happen, not on our watch.
However, such an event, which would necessitate a heavy punishment, like “No TV Tonight, comes very rarely. Because 99% of the time, they listen to a respectful, reasoned argument as to why you shouldn’t run with scissors.
But like I said, we’re weird parents.
[tags]parents, kids, rules, government, decisions, family[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by JWas, some rights reserved
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4 responses so far ↓
Whitney // Apr 2, 2007 at 6:21 am
Us too, most of the time. And it is amazing how rarely you have to “drop the hammer” on the kids- mid-stream corrections and suggestions seem to work, and rarely does the “deprivation” punishment need to be employed.
And it’s not trying to be your kid’s friend, but it is leading by example, and trying to show them that respect and communication really do work.
But like any long term R & D project, we’ll know more about our results as time goes on.
Annie // Apr 2, 2007 at 9:14 am
Unfortunately, I live in one of those “benevolent dictatorships.” And no, I’m not the “dictator”? My hubby was brought up in a household where “Whoever pays the bills, make the rules.”
When it’s just me and the kids, I use a lot of positive reinforcement and a lot of redirection. I don’t mind playing blocks or reading books with them, but I do set boundaries and try to be consistent.
So, yeah, sometimes hubs and I have some issues with this.
Annie
Misty // Apr 2, 2007 at 10:34 am
Wow Stu! I wanna be just like you when I grow up!
Seriously, it’s so wonderful to hear someone who actually respects their children as people…with choices, feelings and desires. So many people still have the “I brought you into this world and I can take you out” attitude. It’s disheartening. Unless we adopt a shared value of respect for all living beings we won’t grow as a human race. Like everything, it all starts at home.
Thanks for this post. It made my day and gave me hope!
Lori // Apr 3, 2007 at 6:37 am
i can relate. i guess it takes one to know one!!! and i do love knowing you bro!!!
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