But they have also learned about having a good marriage, developing positive relationships, modesty, faith, perseverance, being kind and generous, and making good choices. We have talked, a lot. And they have watched and listened to know whether we are practicing what we are preaching.

And now, I am in awe of my children (and humbled by them) as I watch them mature and become responsible young adults. They are capable of doing many practical things, but beyond that, they are able to make good choices…and know that they can come to us for guidance and knowledge.

Our kids seem to feel most secure knowing what the rules are and that they are enforced–at only 19 months home, they want to feel protected. However, I think we will end up with a consensus-run household eventually. We listen to our kids more than any other parents I know, and we work hard to understand the root causes of their behavior, fears, and desires. Our kids seem to understand that Mom and Dad make the major decisions right now in a way that benefits everyone as much as we can.

I look forward to our kids’ growing contributions to family decisions.

Anyway, thanks for bringing up the topic. I have nothing intelligent to add.

I have zero desire to be a helicopter parent. My kids are 4 and 5, and I am content to watch from a safe distance and let them come get me if there’s a problem. Because we adopted our kids at near-3 and near-4, we had to teach them to do that. My method, now that I think about it, is to discuss tough situations when all is calm and give them tools for managing them on their own–e.g. what to do when a classmate uses a potty word at them. I never intervene in fights at home unless a kid appeals to me directly, and then I only give a negotiating point, e.g. “There’s only one toy and both of you want it. What do you guys think you could do?”

As for giving responsibility, chores, etc–I am ALL for it. I think kids want to help, want to feel part of the work going on around them. Adopted kids, especially, benefit from feeling that they contribute to the family’s operation. My husband and I are trying out various help-out tasks with the kids right now to see what fits them; we’ll make a chore chart in the fall.

I recommend the book “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee” for advice on fostering independence and matching responsibility to the child’s personality.

But, recently I started using the counting technique to teach them that if they don’t take advantage of something the opportunity goes away. This comment is getting too long, but quickly…the other day Miss A wanted to touch my earrings. She was taking her sweet time and it was time to go. I told her I would count to three and if she didn’t touch them she’d loose the opportunity to do so. We’ll she didn’t and started screaming as we walked to the car. Is this lesson about “opportunity” being taught too soon - I don’t know.

So I guess my real point here is that as parents we make the decision about what to teach and when. There is no rule, just your instinct since you know your children probably better than they know themselves.

I have wrestled with this as well - and I finally am at a place where I try to use “teachable moments” - just insert a bit of wisdom here and there, but (hopefully) without being too preachy or heavy-handed.

It’s hard to do, but at some point we have to start trusting that we have done our best with these kids, and let them stretch their wings a bit. I would rather that Twinks make her mistakes now, while she is living at home (with the safety of Mom and Dad there as backup) than to over-shelter her, not allow her to really “grow up”, and then send her out in to the world with a head full of knowledge, but no “common sense” or real-life experiences. to draw upon.

But that’s just me…