Can You Make Them Love Each Other?

October 20th, 2008 by Stu Mark · 9 Comments

My kids are now 13 and 16, boy and girl. Let us say that they are not the best of friends. In fact, they’ve been at odds with each other since I can remember. And every so often, I try to come up with some methodology for getting them closer. And every so often, I fail miserably.

So am I dreaming? Is this an impossibility? Will they ever become friends?

I tend to think that while they may not find a way to mesh during their adolescence, if I remain consistent in my nurturing of their relationship, maybe they’ll find their way as adults. And maybe that’s a pipe dream. But as someone once said, if you ain’t got dreams, you got nightmares.

Of course this all has me wonder whether I’m actually causing them psychic damage by pushing them together, by insisting that they try to be nice to each other. Maybe their souls are diminished by being forced to sign a birthday card or help the other carry a load. Maybe I’m oppressing them with my desires for unconditional love. Maybe I shouldn’t try to make my needs their needs.

Maybe.

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9 responses so far ↓

Meg // Oct 20, 2008 at 5:28 am

I definitely don’t know the answer.

What I do know is that no siblings hated each other more than my brother and I. We could not say a civil word to the other for 17 years. Then my brother went to college and it got a little better- I’d even go visit him sometimes.

Then in our mid-twenties it smoothed out more- now we are good- far from perfect- but definitely good.

I don’t know if you can make it happen- but I have faith that it can happen in time. Especially once there’s a little physical distance between them-

Out of curiosity- what kinds of things have you tried?
Lori // Oct 20, 2008 at 5:43 am

I do not believe you can make anyone do anything. You can only model and give them tools. You can validate and guide. The future is theirs. Right now they may not need each other and until they do they may not know the depth of their relationship. Stay patient my friend. They will come through in the end.
Goddess in Progress // Oct 20, 2008 at 5:46 am

Just wait it out. As a parent, you still have to insist on rules like respect and all of that. But don’t expect them to like each other.

My brother and I were 17 months apart. From my earliest memory, I hated him so much I could taste it. Not dislike. HATE. I was perhaps a bit on the over-sensitive and insecure side, and he was flat-out mean and aggressive. Hate, hate, hate.

Honestly, we weren’t able to get along at all until we left for college and lived in different states. Not being in each other’s faces all the time helped. That, and we just both grew up. I mellowed out and felt more confident, he became less overtly mean. I don’t think we’ll ever be best friends, but as adults we can now chit-chat on the phone or enjoy a visit with one another.

Not to be a total downer, and some people who fight as kids grow up to be really close (example: my mom and her six brothers and sisters). But sometimes you just have to very different people who will never be the bestest of friends.
Rachel // Oct 20, 2008 at 6:02 am

I firmly believe that it both possible and desirable to impose rules concerning their behavior towards each other, but you cannot demand specific feelings. Indeed doing so might backfire.
Kimberly // Oct 20, 2008 at 8:04 pm

Leave them alone don’t push it. Not my sibling but my cousin. We are very close in age. Everyone expected us to be best friends. We were compared to each other.

She is social and out goings. She also made it through a very tough High School with an at the time undiagnosed LD – Dyslexia with a B/C averaged.

I was a book worm with good grades – except for my handwriting (undiagnosed Dysgraphia). I am NOT social – the opposite.

We battled royal. (All this while undiagnosed ADHD)

Age 3 – I penned her in a sink and washed her mouth out with soap.

Age 3 or 4 – Swimming lessons I tried to hold her under water – she tried to beat my head against the side of the pool. (The instructor ended up locking her in a closet and me in the laundry room. We weren’t left alone with none family members till)

Age 10/11 – Sleep away camp. Battles were now all verbal. Drove everyone nuts because we would rip each other apart – but you really saw our teeth if you criticized or attacked the other one. Poor Dusty about fainted the 2nd year. She told us they put us in the same cabin to “teach us how to get along” we told her we were 1st cousins and hated each other.

Age 16/17 I’ve been listening to Mom read me the riot act about being anti-social all the way to cousin’s house. Cousin was going to my prom and I wasn’t. Cousin was read the riot act about her SAT scores compared to mine. We get into a verbal fight in her room. Boom a light bulb goes off that this is about our parents expectations. We go downstairs ant tell the to never compare us to each other again – and go to a movie.

The family backed off – we are now best friends.

Insist they respect each other and treat each other politely. Beyond that let nature take its course.
STL Mom // Oct 21, 2008 at 11:42 am

My brother and I were great playmates as young children, mortal enemies in the teen years, then good friends in college (we went to the same school together for two years). In our 30’s, we even lived together for a while.
I think you can have expectations for polite behavior (signing cards, helping with chores, etc.) but you can’t make them get along. All you can do as a parent is model supportive, caring behavior, both with your kids and your own siblings, if you have them.
You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family. In the teen years, that fact alone can make your family seem unbearable. When you get older and have more control over your own life, they don’t seem quite so bad.
Jessica Y. // Oct 21, 2008 at 12:15 pm

I am pretty sure that teaching a child unconditional love will not harm them. Quite the opposite. (They of course don’t realize this until they have their own children.)
mom, again // Oct 27, 2008 at 5:13 pm

sometimes, you have to accept they aren’t each others ‘type’. This was the case with my daughters. If they met at school as non-sibs, they’d have different outlooks and attitudes and not end up friends. That’s OK. Past a certain stage I no longer dreamed, in the way a woman with no sisters does, of my darling daughters being best friends.

But, we did insist upon mutual support of the family, and loyalty. the helping carry a load thing.

And, respect/concern for others, even the sib you don’t like. (sign the birthday card, just as you may someday have to do for a dis-liked mother in law, or co-worker. social white lies begin at home!)

Result: They are now 21 anda 23. When either has been dumped by a boyfriend or is in some sort of problem that I can’t fix since I moved overseas, they call each other first. They cry to each other first, and listen to each others advice first, before involving girlfriends or buddies. They may then not be in contact with each other for weeks or months. But, when the chips are down, they are there for each other.

They also share the important things with each other, having recently insisted that no girlfriends were allowed on the wedding dress shopping trip.

They aren’t friends, but they are family.
Marcy // Feb 7, 2009 at 9:56 am

When I was pregnant with my second child, my husband started a campaign with our 2 year old son to prepare him for a sibling. Often he would tell him what an amazing gift he was about to get, a gift that would last a lifetime. He would tell him how his new sibling would look up to him, and how he’d be able to show him/her all the cool stuff he knew how to do. And once our second son was born he would often tell them individually, how lucky they were to have each other and how much they each loved the other.

As they grew up, they squabbled and fought at different times for different reasons, but they also valued each other. I very much believe that you can engineer loving relationships between siblings if that is what you wish. Our experience demonstrated to us that this is possible.