Both our kids’ birthdays are in March. Having brought the last batch of cupcakes to school, I can now finally shut off the oven and wipe the frosting off the walls. We had a happy month. But we might not always.
For many adopted kids, birthdays are a time of grieving. Even some adopted adults I know find them sad. The reason is the idea of “birth,” as in “birth mother.” Every birthday is a reminder that the person who brought them into the world isn’t their mother now.
Our kids M and K, aged 4 and 5, aren’t yet fully aware of the losses they’ve sustained. They know intellectually that someone gave birth to them, then their orphanage “mama” cared for them, and that Peter and I brought them home from Russia when they were 2 and 3 to be their Papa and Mama forever.
Emotionally, however, M and K are just not old enough to understand the full impact of their narrative. At some point, possibly soon, it will occur to them that Peter and I chose to raise them because other people chose not to. When that understanding dawns, birthdays will become sad reminders that two different mothers let them go.
Adoptive parents are advised to approach birthdays with care. We should notice our kids’ behavior changes. We should make even more of an effort than usual to open conversations about their history, since they might not know we’re okay about discussing it. In fact, we should pretend we’re okay about discussing it even if we’re not. We should consult with our kids about how to celebrate, so they feel they’ve got control. We should support our kids’ desire to honor their previous parent(s) as part of the celebration, if they choose to do so. We should consider having as much of the celebration as possible outside the home, so the home can be a safe place for retreat. Finally, we should allow our kids down-time and alone-time on the birthday itself.
Yesterday, watching K scramble through the giant climbing structure at the facility where we hosted her party, I delighted in her joy. Her hair was flying; she had shed her turtleneck and socks for maximum speed. Down in the jumping pit, M was crowing and bouncing his little feet off. Let them revel in it as long as they can, I thought. Let them have memories of happy birthdays to draw on if they need them later. And let Peter and me help them learn to cope with whatever future birthdays bring.
Photo graciously provided by Laura-Beth, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.
[tags] adoption, family, birthdays, talking pregnancy, parenting[/tags]
0 responses so far ↓
AmyL // Apr 2, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Wow. Deborah I had no idea and I thank you so much for teaching us about adoption and the surrounding issues. I pray that you and your husband are able to make birthdays joyous for M and K while supporting them through their grief over the next several years.
Carl // Apr 2, 2008 at 3:41 pm
My neighbors have two adopted children, and they don’t celebrate their Birth day. They celebrate their “gotcha” days. Looks and feels like birthday, but it’s all about celebrating the day that the children joined their family.
I have no direct experience, but it makes a lot of sense; it doesn’t hide the facts - it celebrates them.
Debbie // Apr 2, 2008 at 4:56 pm
AmyL: I’m glad to hear this topic is of interest even to bio-parents! Thanks for your prayers.
Carl: The opinions on “Gotcha! Day” vary. Parents tend to love it, but some adopted kids find it a pain to have to pretend to be engaged when they’d rather ponder their lost origins and other lives they might have had, etc. As you might imagine, the younger the kid, the better an idea they think it is to have a party.
We will probably not celebrate our “Gotcha!” very much–we don’t at all now–simply because it’s the day after Valentine’s. I imagine that, when the kids are older, we’ll ask them what they’d like to do. We’ll also keep the dialogue open about birthday celebrations.
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