Most people explain pregnancy to children something like this: “Babies grow in a special place inside their mommy’s tummy….†But what do you do if the mommy in whom the baby grew isn’t the mommy raising her?
This is the problem my husband Peter and I are experiencing: We adopted our two children, M and K, fourteen months ago from Russia, when they were almost three and almost four. Being at the age when children typically start to wonder where they came from, they’ve been noticing pregnant people and animals. We’ve talked about babies growing in “a woman’s tummy,†but we haven’t explained further because of our kids’ complicated history: the mother they remember is not their birth mother but their orphanage caregiver, for whom they are actively grieving. When we tell them the full narrative of their origins, they’ll be aware of yet another absent mother.
Research has shown that the more adopted children know about their history, the better their mental health tends to be. Peter and I plan to tell them everything and help them find out whatever is lacking; our question is when to tell them what. The books on talking with children about adoption can only guide us so far.
I took the plunge last week. At an adoption-related support group, I had finally found a picture book that I thought would serve our purpose. I’d long been looking both for an adoption story that included a picture of a birth mother and a birds-and-bees book that didn’t say the baby came out of “the mommy’s†tummy. This book, â€How I Was Adopted,†does both. So, before bed, leaving plenty of time for discussion, I read it to M and K.
Both kids sat in my lap, M accompanied by his Russian stuffed bunny. K was fascinated, her shower-damp auburn head bent to the drawings of the baby growing and being born. But M hit the book with his bunny. When I removed him from my lap, he threw other toys across the room. He is generally an easygoing guy; I had never seen him show aggression towards a book. Obviously it had upset him.
I talked with him after putting K to sleep. I knelt beside his bed, stroked his little body in Lightning McQueen pajamas, and asked, “Did the book make you feel scared or sad or angry?â€
“Scared,†he said into his pillow.
“Do you know what scared you?â€
He shook his head.
I wracked my brain. I told him that Peter and I are his parents forever, that we know how to take care of children, that we have a house and enough of everything to share. I told him that I’m happy to be his mommy and always will be.
He raised his head and asked, “Mom?â€
“What, honey?â€
“Why the baby on the mommy’s chest?â€
The drawing hadn’t looked that way to me, so I wasn’t sure how to answer. But I’ve learned about parenting that not knowing how to do something is no excuse for not doing it. I said, “That’s how babies grow. A baby grows inside a woman like a chick grows inside an egg.â€
“Why chicks grow in eggs? Why babies grow in womans?â€
I was stumped. I gave an answer I’d never even considered. I said, “I dunno. That’s how God made us.â€
To my astonishment, M giggled, reached out for a hug, and said, “’Night, Mom!â€
I left him and he fell asleep.
I guess, like everything else in parenting, this discussion is a process. I’m glad I began it, but I sure hope Peter and I can handle it as it continues.
by Deborah L. Blicher, the newest GNMParents contributor. Welcome!
[tags] adoption, family, conception, talking pregnancy[/tags]
11 responses so far ↓
Jill // Mar 19, 2008 at 6:57 am
I truly believe that the earlier children are taught about the birds, the bees, the birds adopting the bees, the birds getting artificially inseminated with bee pollen… the better. No embarrassment, no hidden secrets, no Big Talk. That’s just the way it is and the way it has always been. Keep talking and more questions will come your way.
Megin Hatch // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:24 pm
We need to talk about sex more at GNMP.
I agree with Jill and definitely want there to be an ongoing conversation about childbirth, conception etc.
At 8, 6 and 3 none of my kids have ever asked a question. Never. I keep waiting for there to be some cues, a small indication that they have any interest… but I don’t want to give them more information than they are ready for…
Jill // Mar 19, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Don’t wait for them to start the conversation. My kids are 3 & 6 and we’ve had the conversations many times already. Now, before you freak out about this, I haven’t exactly described HOW the sperm get to the egg except with my 6yo (who took a sex ed class through our Unitarian church). Even with him I explained that “the penis puts the sperm in the vagina” without really getting personal about it. My 3yo asked how babies get out and I simply said that the hole in the mommy, next to where she pees and poops (NOT the same is important) gets really big when the baby is ready. Then the midwife/Dr. can help the baby come out. Then the hole gets small again. We’ve certainly discussed adoption. My sister is in a lesbian marriage so we’ve covered that too. They just aren’t embarrassed. Vagina. Elbow. Whatever.
Remember, if they don’t know the topic is embarrassing for you, it won’t be. Get a few good books (It’s Not the Stork or Where Do Babies Come From) and leave them on the shelves with other books. Use springtime to talk about it. Go see a duck pond and mention that the ducks have eggs outside their body. “Gee kids, did you know women all have eggs inside their bodies?” etc. Just look for excuses and bring up little bits each time, casually. It gets easier, just like potty training makes body vocabulary easier to say.
AmyL // Mar 19, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Welcome Deborah! I’ve read your blog before and am thrilled you’re joining GNMParents.
As for the sex talk, we’ve covered most of it with our older boys up to the actual how the sperm gets to the egg part. They’re almost ten and quite frankly don’t want to hear about it. Anytime something remotely like kissing a girl comes up they’re covering their ears and shouting “Blah blah blah” to stop us from talking. Lol. I’m confident that they’ll listen when they’re ready. We just keep the doors open and are staying calm about the whole thing.
Well, okay. We do like to torture them by kissing when they can see us. But other than that we’re very calm and well-behaved.
Jill // Mar 20, 2008 at 5:41 am
My mother’s theory was that she needed to teach EVERYTHING she wanted us to know about reproduction, human sexuality and personal safety BEFORE we turned ten. After that age she figured we would stop asking questions and we’d go to the playground for answers. She hoped that we’d be the kids on the playground with the correct answers. We were. I remember being astonished that a friend had been told something about a cabbage patch and I set her straight. Her parents had no intention to do so. As an adult I’ve met many people who were never given any Big Talk. They’ve figured it out of course, but they had a lot of awkward times.
It’s great that a few of us are in this discussion, but it needs to be a bigger topic. More parents need to talk to their kids while they’re still young enough to listen.
AmyL // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:18 am
Jill: agreed on most points. Parents should be the ones giving that information and not kids on the playground, and it should be clear and direct with no cabbage patches. Lol. Why did your friend’s parents think they could get away with that??
I don’t necessarily agree that age ten is a magic cutoff, and usually think that kids are saddled with the responsibility of understanding sex way too young.
I’m not going to deny the boys any information, but if they’re avoiding hearing it then that’s a clear sign to me that they’re not ready. Most likely, we will try to tell them this year (they’ll be 10 in May) but that’s more a result of the gradual journey we’re on.
Jill // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:34 am
Chances are, my friend asked for info on sex when her parents thought she was too young, and they intended to have a Big Talk when she was older. But she wanted to know then, and so she searched out the answers on the playground. We were probably 8 or 9.
My guess is that having two boys (twins?) they’ve sort of encouraged each other to be bashful about the topic. They may not come to you for information unless you have a particularly open relationship with them. If you’re game to taking advice from total strangers on the inernet
try putting some books on their shelf and see how they react. Push the topic a little.
Debbie // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Thanks for a great welcome!
We plan to have the discussion about sex per se as early as possible, but it’s complicated by the whole concept of “birthparents.” Sex is often a tough subject for kids who aren’t being brought up by the people who conceived them.
SJ // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I honestly can’t remember when my mom told me about sex - that’s because, it was, as Jill says, just talked about along the way in a very natural way, long before there was anything awkward.
I think it’s easier to talk about with the 6 and under crowd even than the 7-10. Not to give them too much info - but to give them something other than the media and friends. And some sense that it is a normal part of (adult) life.
Jill // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:30 pm
My sister is in a lesbian relationship and has a lot to explain to her kids. Two of them are from artificial insemination and one is adopted. All are bi-racial although the adopted child is the only one who really looks different. They have talked openly about the differences between them and from other families, and the similarities between each of them and with other families. And, where each of them “came from”. As her sister, and with her children the cousins of my children, we’ve had some of the same discussions. I’ve touched on the topic of artificial insemination, and explained adoption. We’ve talked about some of the reasons people want to/need to adopt and some of the reasons women decide to let their child be adopted. Again, it isn’t weird to them because it’s just part of learning about the world. Most things they hear at this point are new and interesting and this is just one of them.
Now, I see the point that children who only remember a foster parent, not a birth parent, have extra to work on. I agree that it might be touchy too since their adoption was at an age of memory. My original comment to Deborah was to congratulate her on opening up the conversation and to keep it open. Many of us don’t even open that door until it’s too late.
(and c-sections make the topic complicated too- as you explain how babies get in… and come out!)
I followed a comment of Stu Mark’s (on Parent Hacks) and ended up at GNMP. I’m glad I did. There’s good conversation over here!
STL Mom // Apr 6, 2008 at 7:31 pm
The book “It’s So Amazing” describes the birds and the bees in a great, kid-appropriate way. It includes artificial insemination and adoption. Because the books covers lots of different birth situations, the kids might feel like their situation is just one of many alternatives, instead of something that gets its own book. Might help? Good luck!
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