Are You a Pinocchio Parent?

September 28th, 2009 by AmyL · 4 Comments

I ran across an article today that is simply fascinating. Researchers at the University of Toronto and the University of California conducted a study which shows that parents are routinely lying to their children to influence behavior while at the same time teaching them that lying is bad. The researchers called this “Pinocchio Parenting”. Lies ranged from white lies such as “Doesn’t Aunt Flo’s dress look pretty?” to confidence boosters like “Oh honey, that song you just played on the suzaphone was beautiful”.

Also included are protective lies; for example a parent might tell a child their pet ran away rather than admit it was hit by a car. Finally there are the Do What I Say or Else lies, where a child may be told that he needs to do something or face dire consequences. In the article a father had his 6 year old son believing that the hazard light button was actually an eject button. If the child didn’t have his seatbelt securely fastened, the dad would hold his hand over the button, basically threatening to eject the child.

I have to admit I was a little disturbed by that last example. Hubby and I have tried very hard to always be honest with the boys. Have we shielded them from reality at times? Absolutely. We’ve done it by avoiding the question more often than not. Directly telling an untruth is avoided. Have we been perfect in that regard? Definitely not. We do our very best to be truthful though.

In a world full of confusing messages and gray areas we want to be able to look them in the eye and state “We don’t lie to you” and have a history of honesty to back that up.

So what about you? Are you always honest with your children? Do you lie with abandon? Are you somewhere in between? Does the age of your child affect your honesty?

by AmyL

Photo graciously provided by emanuele75, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

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4 responses so far ↓

Stu Mark // Sep 30, 2009 at 5:11 pm

I am scrupulously honest with my kids, even if the truth is unflattering to me or may result in my child’s disappointment. My kids benefit from this is two major ways: their expectations are even-handed and their trust in me is unquestioned.

My opinion: All communication is founded on the establishment of trust. If you don’t have trust between the two parties, the rest of the conversation is a waste of oxygen.
AmyL // Sep 30, 2009 at 7:32 pm

Stu, amen and amen! We are super careful to be honest with our kids too. It’s difficult because sometimes I worry that we’re putting too much on them at times. I do sometimes withhold information if I can but I refuse to give anything other than the truth to direct questions or situations in which the boys might get the wrong idea.

I read a really great story once. A little girl asked her father a really tough question that he didn’t want to answer because he didn’t think she was ready to handle it. He set a heavy suitcase in front of her and asked her to pick it up. She couldn’t. He then explained that just as the suitcase was too heavy for her to lift yet, some knowledge is too heavy and that he wasn’t going to answer her question yet because it was a burden she shouldn’t carry. (The answer to the question was indeed too much for a young child.) I’ve always liked that analogy and used it with my boys too.
Kelly D // Sep 30, 2009 at 10:06 pm

I recently read something like this too. We are honest with our kids, but I do find myself saying things like, “That was such a beautiful song,” to off-key singing. After reading a similar article, I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good.

What about Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc. I’m assuming they fall into this category of “white lies” too?
AmyL // Oct 2, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Kelly, in my opinion the Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy is a REALLY gray area. I don’t consider someone to be a liar if they choose to have their kids believe.

Hubby and I consciously decided not to do the Santa thing (and the other characters as well) for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, if we tell them that a character (that they can’t see) is real and then suddenly say “oh, yea…they’re not really real” then how can we expect the children to believe us that God is real? It seemed inconsistent.

Secondly (and almost as important) was the fact that when I found out that Santa wasn’t real I took it really hard. I felt so betrayed! I don’t want my kids to ever feel so betrayed by their parents.

We do enjoy the Santa thing, and pretend sometimes. The boys adored the Santa Clause movies for example. And to my knowledge they’ve never blown it for other children. We talk about that very seriously every year and how awful it would be to hurt someone else’s feelings. So far…so good.

As for complimenting your girls: compliments are a good thing as long as they’re grounded in reality. Considering their age is it really important for a song to be in perfect pitch? I say it doesn’t.

And there are always creative ways to compliment. Rather than “that was so beautiful” you could say “I love how joyfully you sing”. It’s more personalized that way anyhow, which is a bonus.

Compliments that are not grounded in reality tend to cause problems over time. We’re seeing that with the Self Esteem movement kids now that the first wave is out of college.