If I drank, Father’s Day is definitely a day I would spend in a bar, drowning my every emotion. You see, I’m a stepfather. And being the stepdad on Father’s Day is like being the Vice President on Inauguration Day – They say nice things about you, but really, everyone’s there to see the other guy.
I’m glad the kids know their father and that they are part of his life and he is part of theirs. He’s certainly a fine father, and while he makes choices that I find distressing, he’s not a felon or anything. Their father is just not overly-focused on the things I care about, like the kids’ feelings or their education or their morality or their self-image.
So I end up the primary caregiver. I’m the one who hassles them about studying. I’m the one who pleads with them to be nice. I’m the one who listens to their stories about their friends or their hobbies or their dreams.
There’s nothing else I’d rather do, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
And they dig me, no question. They love me. They care about me. They respect me. And every day I’m with them is a treasure.
And then there’s Father’s Day. *His* day.
And what can I do but support him. I feel morally obligated to talk him up, to remind the kids that *his* day is soon approaching and let’s go get him a present and let’s stop here and pick out a card and maybe this year you should write him a nice note, telling him how much you love him.
Not easy.
But it’s only one day, and it’s ceremonial, and it’s fair. So I look at their pictures and I remember their laughter and I thank my wife for having the babies. And I remember that I’ll see them tomorrow.
by Stu Mark
Photo graciously provided by Cali2Okie, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
3 responses so far ↓
Kelly Damron // Jun 23, 2009 at 5:43 pm
The way to talk about your kids, I assumed they were your biological children. You are an amazing Stepdad! My Stepdad was/is my Dad. I never called my biological father, Dad. He was never there for me and when he took us for the weekend, we spent it in his favorite bar. Such as great roll model he was.
My mom and my stepdad divorced when I was in my early 20’s. To this day, my Dad (my stepdad) and I still act as though I’m his biological daughter.
Rocket Science Mom // Jun 24, 2009 at 2:05 pm
You know, I feel like I am kinda guilty of the same thing your kids are a little. I have a stepdad. My own Dad passed away 14years ago,and my mother remarried 12 years ago. My step dad joined my life when I was well into adulthood.
I don’t go out of my way to celebrate Father’s Day with him, but I do try to remember with a card, a hug, or a hello. My kids call him Grandpa, and we love him to bits. I could not imagine my life without him. He’s been a blessing.
Perhaps I need to tell him more.
Thanks,
Bonnie Worthington // Jun 29, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Stu, My heart goes out to you. In my former marriage, I was a stepmom. I felt the same way about Mother’s Day. But you know what we did? My ex-husband (then my husband) would give me a Mother’s Day the weekend before and it was a big ta-do for me. To this very day, my (now former) step son sends me a Mother’s Day card or calls (On the Real Mother’s Day and he’s 30 years old now) He calls me “OM” instead of mom. It stands for Other Mother. I love it.
Keep doing what you are doing and the kids will love you as their own, just as you do for them. You are very wise to support the other guy because it would backfire on you if you didn’t.
Maybe you and your wife can have a child of your own? I had my first with my now ex-husband at age 40. I’m so glad I didn’t miss out! Having a biological child is an amazing experience. Keep up the great job.
Bonnie
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