Giving New Meaning to Parenting

After 3 years of being the part-time nanny for my twin girls, my mom is no longer on my payroll. This is a huge relief on many fronts. My husband, who was so gracious during the past three years, is looking forward to putting “that” money to put into our girls college savings accounts. Something we haven’t done even though we both agreed to make contributions each year.

But the best part is that I no longer have an employer/employee relationship with my mom. Boy has it been challenging. It’s very difficult to offer “constructive criticism” to your parent. In our case, we both struggled with separating the job of nanny from Nana/Mom. We’ve always had the role of parent and child reversed anyway. I’ve tended to “parent” my mom more than she “mothered” me. As a teenager I was the one creating rules and limits since none were established for me.

Most of all, though, I hope this is a time for new beginnings. One of my challenges the past three years was learning how to stop parenting my parent. Since it was a role I had played for such a long time I didn’t know how to change my behavior. Thank goodness for counseling as I was able to change my thoughts and actions without realizing I was doing so.

I’m looking forward to rebuilding a relationship with my mom that doesn’t include the hurts from the past. While I’ve been processing my issues, she hasn’t. To this day she has no idea what past hurts or what specific issues brought me to seek counseling. I don’t think rehashing the reasons with her will be productive, which makes the rebuilding somewhat complex and possibly one-sided. We are in two totally different places and I have to be okay with that as it may take her longer to move forward.

A book that has helped me a lot along the way is called The Mom I Want to Be: Rising Above Your Past To Give Your Kids a Great Future by T. Suzanne Eller (find it using this direct link on Amazon). I was a little skeptical about this book, but as I continued to read I found myself in full agreement with the author. Reading this book in tandem with counseling has been an amazing combination. I want to thank Rolland of TruVue radio for the book recommendation.

So, as I say goodbye to my mom as she reunites with old friends, moves back into her own home, and returns to work in familiar surroundings, I’m hopeful we will find a healthier relationship waiting for us on the other side.

How have you managed relationships with your parents now that you have children? Have you successfully established boundaries? How has the relationship with your parents changed and how did you mange those changes?

by Kelly Damron

Photo graciously provided by mnlamberson, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved