I’ve been working on improving my relationship with the boys, especially the older ones. February is a difficult month with the cloudy cold days…just blah in general. It’s easy for us to get on each others’ nerves and that’s a very bad thing. Everything I say and do sticks in their little hearts and minds. I’ve been trying to do at least two of these things with each boy every day, and it’s really heartwarming to see them brighten in response to my efforts.
- Stop what you’re doing to watch her latest trick.
- Listen when he wants to tell you a story.
- Notice how much effort she put into her latest art creation.
- Tell him you enjoy spending time together.
- Invite her to join you in an activity.
- Brag about him to someone else-when he can hear you.
- Display her picture proudly at the office.
I know I promised 7, but two really big ones are on my mind today. I’m calling them the bonus items, and in my opinion they’re really the most important.
Bonus #1: Say “I love you”.
Bonus #2: Ask his or her opinion about something.
So what about you? What are some really neat things you’ve done to compliment your child? Share with the group! We’d love to get more great ideas.
by AmyL
[tags]home, kids, parents, children, relating, relationship, love, caring, emotions, steps, ideas, plans, improvement[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by sarmax, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
16 responses so far ↓
InTheFastLane // Feb 16, 2008 at 7:04 am
Listening is the hardest one for me. With three kids all wanting to tell me something, I find that I often fall short on this one. With my oldest (13) I sometimes have to tell her “I really want to hear what you have to say. Let me finish…and then I will sit down with you out any distractions.”
Lian // Feb 17, 2008 at 9:19 am
My oldest girl sometimes feel she is less loved because the younger 2 needs more attention. So I would sometimes give her a big hug and say “I’m glad I have a daughter like you.”
AmyL // Feb 17, 2008 at 9:35 pm
@InTheFastLane: Oh, listening! That’s so hard for me some days. In the first place, I generally know what they’re going to tell me. Then they take the long way around the block to get to the point I know is coming, and 2 or 3 other boys show up with a comment/question/argument/request and I’m trying to get my own stuff done at the same time….
I’ve been consciously trying to pay attention to the long rambling stories, but it’s definitely an area that I need to keep working on.
@Lian: oh, how sweet! I like the simple and straightforward approach you use. Those hugs and messages are powerful and wonderful things.
Martina // Feb 18, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Listening is always a challenge, but what’s been working wonderfully for me is long walks with the youngest two in the buggy. There are no distractions, and I can respond promptly to all their comments and observations.
Another suggestion: Bringing up memories of previous things your child did. “Remember that time you hung yarn from the branches for the birds to make nests from?” My kids love being reminded of good things they’ve done.
Amy (from Gracobaby) // Feb 18, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I love your ideas! Sometimes it’s too easy to stop and just enjoy the moment. But you’re right that it’s so important to build the relationships now. Thanks for making this top of mind for me. I think I’ll go give my little guy a hug right now! (OK. maybe in the morning when he’s awake)
AmyL // Feb 18, 2008 at 10:17 pm
@Martina: great one! Kids love being reminded of success. When I was reading your suggestion I also thought about how much my boys love stories about themselves. TechnoBoy gets tickled every time we remember his first act after birth: peeing across the OR and just about hitting Hubby.
@Amy: thanks! Hope your guy loved his hug. The best part about investing with hugs when they’re little is getting them back as they age.
Robert // Feb 18, 2008 at 11:51 pm
I try to find events like this:
http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/highlights/15357796.html
And then make a point to take the kids to see it. Even if it means missing bed time, that little rush of being bad is fun.
Another event fun for all ages and genders is geocaching. Visit http://www.geocaching.com. Find a couple of locations and then head on out. I like to let the kids figure out where it is hidden. LOTS - O - FUN. But this does assume you have some sort of GPS. But the time out as a group or one on one is great. Many times we do early morning hunts then stop and have breakfast after words. The kids like the hunt and eats.
Milander // Feb 19, 2008 at 4:30 am
I agree with all the above points you made but I’d take issue with point six as it’s a fine line between complimenting a child and ego boosting.
Listening to a child is not a problem and it shouldn’t be. Nothing is so important that it can’t be put on hold for your child.
What I would add is that regardless of your childs behaviour, no matter how naughty they’ve been you have to stick to the routine. In my case this means a regular bedtime story and a hug before bed. Someone said that no couple should go to bed still angry, the same applies to children, they should always be reasured of your love for them before they sleep.
Complimenting a child is important of course regardless of whether it is deserved or not but far more important is that the child knows he/she is loved no matter what has happened throughout the day.
Also I’ve learnt that it is better to ’schedule’ time with a child and build a routine. My two boys come back from kindergarten at about 11:30 am after lunch we always spend an hour or so playing, reading or just being together (I’m a work at home Dad). They now understand that I’ve given them attention and that afterwards I have my ‘play’ time. I’m still there for them but they know that I’m not available for total play.
Naturally it doesn’t work all the time and I’m often dragged into a ‘let’s build a castle Daddy’ situation (which I love btw) but it mostly holds true.
I guess eveyone has to find a middle ground.
I suppose the best way to compliment a child would be to just show an interest in what they want to show or tell you. As a parent you cannot be selfish with your time, you have no time anymore it all belongs to your child(ren). Get used to it because that is parenthood.
AmyL // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:41 am
Excellent points Milander.
When I said “brag” I meant something more in the sense of a one or two line story to someone else (in the child’s hearing) extolling a virtue. An example would be me talking to Hubby and saying, “Did you know that TechnoBoy was so sweet and patient with his little brothers today? He helped them figure out a problem without once complaining.” Or something like that. I definitely use the brag to reinforce behavior I want to see.
That is an ego boost, but it’s the kind of boost I’m looking for that lasts a lifetime and grows strong healthy adults.
Thanks for pointing that out and giving me the opportunity to clarify.
AmyL // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:44 am
@Robert: Oh fun!! I’ve got friends who geocache. I’m going to have to figure out how to do that. The reason I haven’t is I wasn’t sure the younger boys would totally get it. They probably could by now though…they’re 5. I’ll put it on my warmer weather list of things to do this year!
Milander // Feb 19, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Thank you Amyl for the reply, not many blogs do that and I really appreciate it, thanks.
I understand what you were saying now, kudos to you
AmyL // Feb 19, 2008 at 7:52 pm
@Milander:
You’re welcome. And thank you. 
I love to chat with new people via keyboard. Heck, I love to chat with most people online. I have so enjoyed being part of a great community since I started blogging!
monica // Mar 17, 2008 at 7:22 pm
That is great. I’m a single mom who often worries if I’m doing enough to make sure my kids grow up knowing they are loved enough (ie: as much as if there were 2 parents). Your list gave me goose-bumps because I think I’ve done/said everyone of your suggestions over the past 2 days. I guess I’m not doing so badly after all.
AmyL // Mar 17, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Wow, Monica! I’m thrilled to have been an encouragement to you. Keep up the great work with your kiddos.
troubled teen // Mar 20, 2008 at 2:39 am
telling someone that you are proud of your kids is the best
AmyL // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:07 am
troubled teen: nice to see you again.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I like comments.
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