Grasshopper New Media Presents...

Today, February 25, our Andrew turns 21. On this day 21 years ago, we didn’t know that we were having a son. That was before everything and everyone was tested.

I wasn’t sure I wanted a son, wasn’t sure I could do that. A daughter would have been fine (I thought then), but a son? I didn’t know how to do that.

It had taken awhile to get to this point. There was a small tumor on Nancy’s pituitary that drugs had to take care of before a child could start. My job was still new, my dissertation unwritten. Waiting much longer, however, wasn’t wise either.

I knew that I would have responsibility to shape values and perceptions and behaviors for this new life. If this was a son, I would have to show him how to be a man. I would have to teach all kinds of stuff that culture says a man is supposed to know. And there was such conflict about what that meant. I knew that I didn’t fit stereotypes (I cry, I don’t hunt, I can’t play sports, I don’t watch violence) and while figuring that out, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to shape someone else.

And then, suddenly, I had no choice. He was in the doctor’s hands and then in my hands. And, for the first time, I said, “Welcome Andrew Thomas Swanson.” Through tears and a smile. And now, according to the calendar, he’s a man.

How did Nancy and I do? I’m realizing that answering that question might be helpful to some other people. And so I’m going to spend some posts talking about parenting in the rearview mirror. How did we handle year-round soccer? How did he handle being cut from the varsity team as a senior? What difference did it make to lose a sister at two and get one at four? Was he ruined by my hours spend on dissertation writing (and avoidance) during his first two years? Were we right to take him with us in helping out drug users and embezzlers and other friends? Did we “ruin his life” by not having cable/not playing games/not having big vacations/not spending enough time with grandparents/not having enough chores/not building the treehouse we talked about/not being perfect parents/not expecting enough from him?

I’m looking forward to exploring some of these questions. I think. Maybe.

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Jon and Nancy have been married for 25 years and live with Andrew (21) and Hope (16) in Northern Indiana. After working in higher education for 15 years, Jon started working in a church in 2000. He writes at http://levite.wordpress.com and was part of the Great Big Small Business Show, another Grasshopper New Media project.

by Jon Swanson

[tags]parents, parenting, kids, children, older, perspective, long view, son, daughter[/tags]

Photo graciously provided by the author, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved