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Everyone seems to be planning their new strategy for 2007- setting goals, writing mission statements, and generally trying to get organized. I thought this was a good time to put together a list of the best parenting advice for 2007. See what you think, and add your own!

1. You need not attend every battle to which you are invited.
Kids and even other parents will often drag you into a conflict, sometimes before you know what’s going on. My mom can start a fight with a well-timed comment such as, “Do those children every eat anything besides chicken fingers and hot dogs?” But I have the power to choose whether to see the comment as an opening salvo in the parenting wars, or to ignore it, or even change the subject. Every time someone says something inflammatory- wait a beat and consider whether this is the fight you want to have. This advice is a very close cousin to the famous “Pick your battles”, but I like this phrasing, since it shows you that you have a choice in whether to engage in these fights or not.

2. You can learn more about your child by looking at what they avoid sometimes, rather than what they love.
For example, if a child really doesn’t like to draw, use playdoh, paint, or do art projects, it could be a sign of a poor hand grasp on the brush or crayons. Kids want to do what they are good at, and very early on they begin to avoid what is hard for them. But sometimes, the things they avoid are things they need to learn, such as how to hold a pencil properly. If you look for the underlying reasons why your child is avoiding something, you might find some area that needs additional attention and support. (For older kids, if they hate math, for example, it’s a sign that it is hard for them- it’s challenging, and they need support to succeed.)

3. This said, you are better off providing kids with the opportunity to explore their strengths and talents rather than berate them for their shortcomings.
If a kid hates soccer, then this is probably not “their” sport (We’ll leave the questions about whether there’s other gross motor or social issues involved). You are better off cutting your losses and letting them try something else, than keep sending them to another season of soccer, because you loved it as a kid. Kids will get more out of activities they enjoy, than they will ever get out of stuff they hate, so keep this in mind when you are thinking, “Well, maybe they’ll learn to like it after another year.”

4. Long term change is driven by positive reinforcement, where negative reinforcement and punishment just stops bad behavior.
What this means is that when you give your child a punishment of some kind, ranging from yelling at them to restricting privileges, you are cutting off bad behavior in the moment, You are not, however, teaching that child the behavior they should use instead. In contrast, positive reinforcement, when used consistently, is the most powerful tool for affecting behavioral change in the long run. That means praising kids and thanking them for even the small things they do around the house will gradually encourage more help and cooperation than yelling at them to pick up their stuff ever will.

5. Gilbert & Sullivan were right- Let the punishment fit the crime.
So there are times when you do need to make an impression on a kid that their actions are unacceptable. The closer the association you can make between the punishment and the crime, the more of an impression it will make. So for young kids, immediately after they spill something (an accident, to be sure) you make them clean it up with help. If an older child is obsessed with their game boy, losing it or having the use restricted is associated with the “crime” and helps develop a sense of restraint. We have had kids write sentences about certain rule infractions, with additional sentence penalties for every time they refuse….After writing I will not…. or I will do my homework when asked, 15 or 20 times, they message is repeated, the punishment is over, and you aren’t put in the position of trying to remember that the child is grounded for 2 weeks, or let them cajole for time off for good behavior. Crime, immediate punishment, everyone moves on.

6. Almost every problem can have a creative solution- blame the problem,not the people.
We all have fights and disagreements in our homes, every day. Sometimes, there are hidden treasures in each of these conflicts. They present opportunities to solve problems creatively, and make everyone’s life a little better. Dr. Kathleen Nadeau told 2 stories that strike this chord for me on the LD Podcast. One was the mom who got her kids moving from one morning task to another by playing different music- when the music changed, it went from “getting dressed” to “teeth brushing” to “Come downstairs for breakfast”. The other was how she discovered that her house had a design flaw that kept leading everyone to dropping their possessions all over the family room, rather than hanging them up in a closet. By designing a family “Launch pad”, everything people needed to have on their way in or out of the house was located right near the door. Cubbies, caskets, hooks, and the like help contain the clutter. Notes to school and mail go in the same place. These tips transformed the daily “Pick up your coat please!” message into a simple solution that removed that particular thorn from everyone’s side.

7. If you have a creative parenting solution, pass it on!
I read parenting magazines for years, and still occasionally pick up a copy, even though they rarely cover kids beyond age 7. Not because the articles are so compelling, but because the little tips and tricks they sometimes have between the covers can solve those nagging problems in your home for good. Or they provide pearls to be saved for future reference. One of my personal favorite solutions we hit upon by accident, was to place kid’s clothes in big ziplocs as whole outfits- socks, underwear, pants and shirts. This is great when you are on vacation- each day’s clothes are already together, and even dirties can be stored in them after wear. We did this for about 2 years when the kids were little. They could go “get their bag” and get dressed on their own. The sad day was when they got too big to fit everything into the bags. For those arguing about the environment- you can reuse the bags so many times before you need to change them out, it’s worth it.

8. If your kids are driving you crazy, don’t be afraid to ask a parent you like, whose kids are the same age or a bit older than yours.
I am a strong believer in parental wisdom, and the best advice you’ll ever get tends to be from other parents who have been in your same situation before. We all have those crazy, sitcom moments in our lives, and I am totally willing to share all the craziness in our house for the benefit of others. And the moms I like best are those who are willing to say “You know, I’ve been there- have you tried this?” You can suffer in silence, or seek help- but I’m telling you- everyone has the same wacky stuff going on, and there are some great solutions out there if you’re willing to talk about what’s going on openly. And if the other parent is only going to look at you like you are a defective parent, it’s better to know this upfront too- I don’t need these people in my life- I need supportive friends.

9. Take your parental temperature from time to time- Ask your kids what they like best about what you do as a family, best as a mom, and what you do worst as well.
I got this piece of advice from Dr. Robert Brooks, who has written many wonderful books on resilience in children. Very few parents sit down and ask their kids to give them a job review, but this kind of openness will not only bring you closer together, it lets you see yourself through your child’s eyes. It sparks conversations about why certain rules are in place, and which ones may be up for re-negotiation. It also makes kids feel like a meaningful part of the family, instead of the ones always on the receiving end of all criticism. While I am in charge as the parent, I’d like to know that my “junior partners” respect me and think I am a good boss and not a tyrant.

And Lastly:
10. Know the difference between Fair and Equal and be willing to explain them as needed.
Kids always say “It’s not fair”, when perhaps they mean it’s not equal. Fair means everyone gets what they need, not what they want; equal means everyone gets the same share. You can share a pizza equally, but the rules, decisions, and division of assets in a family will rarely be equal, but will almost always be fair. You don’t put braces on all the kids when only one needs them, and likewise, each child needs different treatment, based on who they are, how old they are, etc. You can’t always have the same bedtime for all the kids, but they can each go to bed when it is appropriate for them, and this is fair, despite what the youngest says. Don’t get caught in the “No Fair!” debate.

[tags]parenting, resolutions, goals, self improvement for parents, fair vs. equal,Dr. Robert Brooks, Dr. Kathleen Nadeau, positive reinforcement, positive parenting, organization[/tags]

Thanks to Your Guide for use of his photo “Joy in Blue” via Flickr.